SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is Easter Sunday. I day of religious observation and family get togethers.

It was a disaster for me.

In church, I felt suffocated by all the people there. I lost track of why I was there and had to just bolt.

Next, I came to my sisters house where I was invited for dinner. They did everything right...made me feel at home. Good food etc.

I showed up alone...the loner middle age aunt who takes up space in the corner but never really has much to say. What can I say? My life still isn't on track. I have no husband, SO or kids to bring. Just me. And I felt pathetic...again...like I have done at EVERY SINGLE calendar holiday since my exh cheated in 2008. When does this stop? When do I break out of my warped life and be normal enough to feel it at holidays and other events?

On top of it, I am pissed at myself for feeling bad toward my niece. I am 46 and have a 23 year old niece. Everything she has done in her life has been perfection. EVERYTHING. She has smarts, friends and opportunities that come to people her age. She has seen more of the country in her short life than I have in mine. All I see is that my life is flat out embarrassment to the family where hers is the triumph. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she is so damn sweet...but I am so angry that MY life doesn't have ANYTHING successful in it. I am 46 and too young to retire but too old to get the kind of breaks that come easy to her. I HATE feeling this way toward her for she doesn't deserve it. I can't seem to start over properly and I am now comparing myself to her!

Why am I so mental today?

You're not mental - these occasions seem to bring a lot of our feelings out. I'm feeling a lot of what you are also. Only difference is I'm 65 and ready to retire - financially not - but if I wait for that I'll be working til I die.

Who ever thought this is where we'd be - so alone but there are people all around us. I worked hard all my life to make sure my daughter had a good education and happy life. I accomplished what I wanted - she's grown and has her own life - a very good one. BUT here I am at 65 - alone and feeling very sorry for myself today also. But we've earned to feel this way - tomorrow is a different day - and again these feelings will pass.

When I feel like this I watch "It's a Wonderful Life"

I am sorry you have to deal with these feelings. You are not a failure! You do not take up space. They did everything right because they love you and wanted you to know that.

Nobody has a perfect life by the way.

((((Guinness))))

You do not need a SO or spouse to be successful. You do not need to bring anything but yourself to bring more than enough.

Maybe you and your niece could take a trip together sometime since she does a lot of travel? A place you haven't been?

Don't forget too that you can have opportunities to have friends at any age! Volunteering, meetup are great ways to meet others.

I would not go back to 23, there is so much pain ahead, you know? I have had a good life, many opportunities, and still there was a lot of pain in those mid/late twenties.

I'm sorry today was so hard. Try and have some self-compassion. Don't judge yourself so harshly. I am sure you have much worth just as you are and that you are capable of feeling like you belong and are not a source of shame to others.

Yep, I'm the46 year old divorced aunt in my family also. I get where you're coming from.

Hang in there.

Thank you, people. Truly

Maybe you and your niece could take a trip together sometime since she does a lot of travel?

I feel SO inadequate for such a thing! This girl is so cool, successful and empowered. I am just her boring aunt. Why ever would she want to go on vacation with me??

This girl was my flower girl at my wedding to my Exh in 1994 at age 4. She was sweet then and super sweet now. I'm just her loser aunt who can't seem to surface after her beloved uncle left. I am all washed up while she is going big places

I can't compete with her. My life is over. I am a failure. A screw up. Substandard. My niece is the one to bring esteem to the family

Guinness, you are 46.

I'm going to channel your 87 year old self and I'm going to kick your arse. You are 46. Your life isn't over - not by a long shot.

You couldn't PAY me to be 23 again. No way. I got my youth right the first time so I don't need to re-live it. I'm glad that stuff is behind me.

Are you still drinking? Your life will continue to be unfulfilling whilst you continue to only half live it. It is no way to live. Don't let it suck away any more of your life.

If your niece started heading down the road of alcoholism you would see her pissing away all of the opportunities and promise she has. Just as you are doing now.

Get this illness under control and your life will be infinitely better. Nothing will get better whilst you continue to not treat your illness. Nothing.

Honey, your life isn't over. You're not a failure. Whether you're in a relationship or not, that status has zero bearing on your worth.

It sounds to me like you need a break from the herd. The suffocation is likely coming from your perceived judgement from the group, and that stuff is usually projected rather than real. If people ARE judging you based on who is on your arm, then your stock should have risen after you cut the dead weight of an unfaithful partner.

Holidays can be crazymaking. So can family gatherings. You're saying you've attended every single one of these functions lately?? You need a vacation. You need to be alone on a beautiful mountain somewhere, with no noise but the whistling wind and the beating of your heart. You have just as much worth sitting there as in a crowded room full of who's whos.

They have nothing to do with you in the long run, and from what I can see you are articulate and compassionate and have a good sense of humor. Spend some time with YOU and take a break from worrying about the rest of the world.

(((Guinness23)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:49 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

seriously?

You are comparing yourself to a 23 year old? Why would you do that to your self? That is the same as looking wistfully at a supermodel and wanting the same figure.

Stop

Stop now

You said you haven't traveled as much as you would like. So fix that!

Go get a pencil.

I'll wait....

Now, make a list.

start with your fantasy location (e.g., Scuba diving off the great barrier reef)

Then include more realistic places (you're in Indiana right? So how about Chicago?)

Then include local weekend get-a-way places... I just found a ton by Googling quaint towns in Indiana.

Summer is coming up plan your first trip, even if it's a one night bed-n-breakfast 3 hours from your house.

I do things like that ALL the time... yes alone. and yes I'm about your age. AND last year I had a 22 year old hear about one trip I'd recently took and say wistfully... "I want your life"

How awesome would it be for you to blog about your trips? There are SO MANY women in your situation looking for ideas and inspiration - YOU could be that inspiration. Go out and explore have an adventure.

Oh sweetheart, I could have written your post. I'm 47, the family screw up, starting my 4th career. No children. No nothing. No talents. Just nothing. All my cousins have 3 children each. My brother and his partner own a gorgeous home overlooking an arroyo in Pasadena CA. And I have ... a dog. Somedays no matter who I go around, I feel less than.

The laundry list of stuff to do to improve your life? You already know what that is. That 46 isn't old, you know that. (Although the reminders by kind SI-er's is always good). These are definitely self rescue things to pursue.

But there's more. One thing I've been exploring lately is recognizing that there are people who make me feel good about myself and people who make me beat up on myself. The latter are not bad people (usually), they just ... for whatever reason, send me into that negative tailspin of self loathing.

So, you walk into church, oops it's overwhelming. Leave without guilt. Be proud you recognized a situation where it was hurting you. Your niece? Go, have a soda, say hello to everyone, then apologize because .... whatever excuse you want to use ... and leave after an hour. You didn't ignore the event, but you didn't hang out and spend all day in a situation that sends you into a negative tailspin.

It's important to truly honor how you feel right now. Not be ashamed of it. As you pay attention to this you'll start to tease out situations that are safe, and those that aren't. As you spend more time in situations that are safe, you'll start to feel better and stronger and that will build.

I can't promise you that you'll one day be teflon to the bad situations but rather that you'll recognize them asap and feel strong enough to leave immediately and protect yourself.

(((guinness23)))

Guinness,

You have company, lots of it. The end of my marriage goes back to '08 as well. And this weekend was awful.

Maybe it's the holiday - a marker of things, time passing, being among friends and family and feeling stuck. A past re-written, a future uncertain, a present stultified. These things add up.

Sometimes the anguish just comes and stays for too long.

You people ROCK.

As I read all of your comments and advise, I am simply blown away how strangers I don't even know "get" me more than my own family. I am from the Midwest. To have an Aussie care enough kick my "arse" when I need it is beyond priceless.

I need to re-read what you wrote and then I will comment on each. I am so grateful you all took time out of your lives to try to knock some sense into me and help a fellow sister in pain.

A heartfelt THANK YOU

I can't compete with her. My life is over. I am a failure. A screw up. Substandard. My niece is the one to bring esteem to the family

I get that this narrative runs through your head and feels overwhelming. But it's self-fulfilling. Feel like a failure and you can't see yourself any other way.

When you have negative thoughts, talk back to them.

"I can't compete with her." - self 2x4, thwack, life is not about competition. Love and family is not about competition, especially! double thwack.

"My life is over." Thwack. Where there's breathe there's life, where there's life there's hope. Be GRATEFUL for how much life you have ahead of you. Seriously, decades of life!

"I am a failure, screw up, substandard." Thwack. Would you judge someone else in this way? No. Then don't judge yourself.

People admire someone who picks themselves up, dusts off the debris, and aims for happier things to fulfill their meaning in life. NO matter if that happens at 26 or 46. Do not judge yourself by where anyone else is in life. It is not a race.

[This message edited by norabird at 9:40 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

This post resonated with me.

Your feelings are very familiar to me, Guinness23.

I have been in the "hole" you're describing for awhile now. This weekend, it was exasperated.

My brother's wife & son came through town. My brother is the only sibling who has kids. My sister & I do not have kids. I don't really even like kids. I'm not "fun" around them, really. I don't know what to say, how to act, etc. It's just awkward for me. I know my nephew doesn't care about visiting with me. He wants to go to his mother's brother's house where it's "fun". I hate the "obligatory" visit they make. He's 11, so he doesn't have much of a filter & will make comments about how he can't wait to get there...how he's so bored..."Aren't we having pizza at Uncle ___'s?"

My niece is in college & living her own life. She met up with them on Saturday---completely left me & my mother out of it. I know. We're no "fun" to be around. We're boring.

Yea...I feel the way you do often. At work, among the very few people who I call "friends"...everywhere I go, I'm the weird one...the one with no husband, no children, no SO. Yep. The loner middle age family member who takes up space in the corner.

I know the feeling. I'm sorry you're also feeling this way.

Guiness23,

I would like to give some information that has helped me. My IC told it to me and it has helped me tremendously. This is all paraphrased and all, she said it much better than I can. You need to be comfortable with who you are. You can't judge yourself against others. You don't know what things are going wrong/not so good with their lives even if their life looks perfect. Ultimately you need to remember this, that you will probably never be the best at anything. Yeah it sounds depressing to think like that, but when you are down in the dumps you have to remember that there is an opposite corollary you will also probably never be the worst at anything. All through our lives we have strengths and we have weaknesses. We have to understand that this does not make us worse of a person or cause others to judge us. We need to be happy with who we are.

I look at my life and I don't have a ton of friends, literally maybe one or two really good friends. Sure it's not as much as anyone else, but I'm happy with it. Self-Acceptance is a wonderful thing.

Hello Fellow Hoosier! I don't like lots of people either, and tend to bail early when there are too many people around.

I'm 29. I have a lot of friends about your age. My aunt is one of my best friends.

You specifically mentioned traveling. So, travel. Even if by yourself. I do it all the time now. And, Indiana is oddly central to a LOT of places. If you don't mind driving, Chicago and St Louis are fairly close. As is Nashville. (obviously this depends on what part of the state you live in. i'm NE) There is beautiful scenery in WV and Virgina. If you are up for something longer, but still doable in a day, Atlanta, NYC, and Niagara falls, and Washington D.C. You can get to a beach in less than a day as well, if you really push it. Pic a city, look it up online and go enjoy whatever they have to offer. People will wonder why you are so lucky and get to have so much fun. Memorial day weekend is coming up, do you have a long weekend? Make a plan to be out of town, and you will have a built in excuse not to go to a family thing AND you will have something to talk about next time.

And, (((((hugs)))))

I can't compete with her.

Don't! Why do we do this to ourselves? Compare ourselves to other people and decide we don't measure up? Her life is completely different from yours, same as all of ours are from each other. We can't say what we'd do in each other's shoes. Check out your life from your perspective, decide what you're truly not happy with and what you can realistically change and go for it! Because this...

My life is over.

Simply isn't true. I know you know that and were just venting. You have the right to vent as much as you like, but we can get swallowed up by those feelings and start to believe them. Wouldn't you rather get swallowed up by feelings of pure bliss, joy, admiration for yourself and what you survived, etc.? Anytime you have thoughts about her or someone else just say to yourself awesome for them and then busy yourself finding awesome things about you too! There's not a finite amount of awesomeness in the world, we can all have plenty.

I am a failure. A screw up. Substandard.

To who? In who's eyes? If someone judged you that way then their opinion is worthless, honestly, because that's cruel. I know so easy for me to say from the outside looking in, but ouch! Haven't you been through enough? Why continue to beat yourself up like that or care about the opinions of others who do?

My niece is the one to bring esteem to the family

Again, says who? To who? Who defines esteem and...truthfully, who cares? I'm not trying to be flip, I know you're hurting and I respect that, I'm just wanting to really get down to the heart of this. It feels so much to me like you've made up your mind about yourself as a certain way against very specific and limited standards and I just wonder if you can re-define what esteem means to you. What good qualities do you have? Would you be your own friend? Would you be glad to have yourself over for dinner? Isn't that really what esteem is? Being an honorable person?

Again...you people ROCK

I am having a melt down like I haven't had in a long time. Thank you for taking time out of your lives to knock some sense into me. It is not unheard.

I was going to reply to everyone but there are too many good comments and I am so overwhelmed.

A heartfelt thank you to all.

Guinness

Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to ANYONE! At some point your niece most likely will have to deal with a tragedy or a hard time in her life... Who has been there, gotten through and is an awesome person? Hmmm... Aunt Guinness! Do not discount your worth as a person nor what you can offer someone else. Your niece sounds like a great person to be around. So do you. Don't put yourself in the bargain bin.

The great thing about family is the stories... Someone lost a leg in the war and went on to have a full life, someone was a coal miner and busted his ass to put a kid through college, someone is a nurse in an ER with amazing stories to tell... You are a person with a story too... A story still being written. By you.

[This message edited by coldshot at 7:36 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]