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Easter/holidays: never again

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nekorb posted 4/20/2014 20:08 PM

Short version: We went to my STBX BIL/SIL's house for Easter today. I'm sure my invite came from SIL. We drove separately, kids traveled with me.

This was the first holiday since we told the kids about the A/D. We are still living together, nothing has been agreed upon or filed, etc, etc.

I can never do it again. It was SO awkward. I arrived after WH/MIL and I was greeting everyone with hugs and kisses I got to WH and it was like...I don't know what to do...he said Hapoy Easter and grabbed me in a big hug. I started to cry and had to stay outside for a minute and get myself together.

I just felt completely out of place. BIL/SIL were welcoming and kind like always. But...it was the constant need to avoid WH, constant reminders of how things used to be, me fighting off tears the majority of the time. My BFF stopped by to pick something up....I met her on the sidewalk and burst into tears!

Then when the kids and I left and I was saying good bye, hugs and kisses, etc...same deal with WH, but this time I just gave him a quick side hug, no eye contact, and it was still really hard to hold it together.

I can't do it.

Ever again.

I had told WH from the beginning not to EVER expect to share holidays or special events with me ever again after the D. Now I know I can't share them during this transition time either.

It hurts too much.

[This message edited by nekorb at 8:08 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]

norabird posted 4/20/2014 20:31 PM

(((((Nekorb))))

I'm so sorry today was so hard and painful. Sending you a little bit of peace and strength. It won't always be like this.

deena posted 4/21/2014 00:52 AM

((((((Nekorb)))))))

That is so sad to hear you go thru that.

I am so sorry for you. Your BIL and SIL being so good would just make it harder

It's is sad for me thinking it may be the last "full family" supper for me, but I had no emotion. Maybe a bit when WH hugged me (????) but only out of sadness of what could have been.

At least there are no holidays coming up for awhile.

crazynot posted 4/21/2014 01:08 AM

That's so hard. Hoping you feel a little stronger this morning.

determinata posted 4/21/2014 01:40 AM

((((((Nekorb)))))))
I am so sorry that this day way hard for you.
I have a 5 mo/old DS and after holding together the facade for his 1st Christmas I told myself never again.It hurts terribly but I am getting excited about building new traditions with him. So for example, today, he went to church with me and spent the afternoon with his father. It's not the family day I would have wanted but it was special. Hang in there.

SBB posted 4/21/2014 02:33 AM

I KNEW I wasn't capable of playing happy families - even during False R I largely refused to so what we used to do. I didn't attend parties with him, I refused to attend his work events (nice that he invited me whilst vehemently maintaining DDOW was the only one and oh, did I mention OWUmpteen was at all of these work events too? Made me feel like shit - I had already attended a wedding with her whilst 8m pregnant - wasn't that ENOUGH? I was none the wiser - I knew he wa lying jus just not exactly WHO he was fucking. He berated me relentlessly over it. What a fuckwit, seriously).

Knowing what you don't want is as important as knowing what you do want. You've done it now - you know you won't be doing it again anytime soon.

Amazing how awful the 'norm' feels when you're in the twilight zone, eh?

RedWheelBarrow posted 4/21/2014 02:49 AM

So sorry it was painful.
At least your BIL and SIl are treating you well still. My Ils have all written me off completely, and are being programmed by Rockstar - because the affair was all my fault, you know. Now they all party with OW - including her in every holiday and special event, even group family photos.

It's hard to lose people you've been close to for so long, shared memories. Continuity/history.

((hugs))

nekorb posted 4/21/2014 20:49 PM

Thanks everyone.

I agree it is important to know what I don't want.

My IL's are great. While they are being supportive of WH the best they can, they all think he is making a mistake, know he's lied to them, know about the affair etcetera.

I don't expect them to pick me over him by any stretch, but it's nice to know I'm not hated and I will probably be able to see them without WH present.

I actually live next door to MIL. We've always been really close. She is so hurt and disappointed by WH's affair and his lack of commitment to the marriage/family.

I figure things will settle into a new normal over time.

Not sure WH even noticed I was upset on Sunday.

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