I'm sitting here staring at my laptop. I have so much I want to say, but can't seem to find the words...
Except to say I miss my old life. I feel like I'm mourning a death. Is that normal? I miss the days when I could look at WBF from across the room and just the site of him would make me smile.
Now I stare at him and wonder what happened to the man I thought I knew? Did he ever really exist?
We are currently in R, and things are going really well. So I don't know why I am feeling this way, but some days I wonder if it is worth it to stay with someone when I'm not sure I'll ever feel the same way about them again.
It's not that I don't love him, because I do. It's not even about love. It's about the way I felt about him before his A. You can never get that feeling back...can you? I guess I'm just not sure if you can recover from this. Am I suppose to spend my 30's figuring out that I can't do this? And then I'll be too old to have kids...get married? Have a life?
I'm just utterly sad...depressed right now. I don't understand why life is so cruel sometimes.
[This message edited by 4everfaithful83 at 8:56 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
It's different. That's all I can say. It's different now. It's mostly good, but there are times when it isn't. Before, there were times that it wasn't either, but there was this sorta blind faith that it would all straighten out and that there would always be time for everything to straighten up.
I, nor FWH believe that anymore. That things will just "straighten up." Now we know, there's work to do every day, connecting, checking in with each other, examining ourselves and communicating that to each other. There is no longer that blind faith that things will just magically straighten themselves out. That we can just ignore the things that irritate us, that worry us, that take us away from each other, because we have the time to reconnect later. Later, that faith in later, has been taken from us. And neither of us will take that for granted again.
We're two different people now. There are similarities, a lot of them, but fundamentally, at our core level, we are two different people now. More realistic people, I think.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
With that said, can you have the "old" feelings back? I don't think so. But that doesn't mean that you cannot have new feelings. The reality is neither of you are the same people as you were before his A. You are each different now. With the difference comes different feelings. I do love my husband very much now, but the old feelings belong to an old marriage. My new feelings are part of my new marriage. I am afraid to trust at the same level as I did before, so I cannot totally release my heart. I don't know if I could do that ever again.
Grieving for the old marriage is very normal. Wondering who the person is that you are marriage to is normal. It takes time, patience and lots of work.
Because before the A it didn't really matter what happened between us. We had bad days and good days. But even on bad days I was thinking "We are a team, we love each other, nothing can change that!"
But it's been stolen from me. And I'm not sure I can live without that feeling...
While I would never say the As were a good thing, I have learned a lot about myself from this situation and I do believe that if nothing else these types of scenarios do force us to examine old behaviors and traits and learn and grow from them. I don't know what to suggest about M and children because I'm not in your shoes - I don't feel I stayed for R because of the children or the marriage, I feel I stayed because it was what I wanted and was best for me in the moment. I can see how it's different when the As happen before the marriage because you are still considering a sense of a life and children together, whereas that had already happened for me and he didn't cheat until we were 12yrs in.
Sunvalley - My WBF actually thinks that his A was a good thing. He said obviously this sounds wrong, but to him, he says it opened his eye's to his what he was taking for granted and his bad choices. He said he feels we are closer now, more than ever. I'm glad he feels that we are closer, but its at my expense. I feel like he didn't lose anything...
Yes, my bubble has been burst! I guess its wrong to feel like I wish it never had, because who wants to live in a dream state? The bubble isn't reality. Maybe I'm jaded now, but I feel like everyone's just waiting for their bubble to be burst...