Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: Love Language Experiment - week 2 - Words of Affirmation
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Words of affirmation this week.

I'm glad to start a new week. I could have done much better on last weeks assignment so I plan to continue finding ways to fit in Acts of Service. I think acts are significant to Knight so I'm going to tack on an extra week at the end for me to test it out again.

I'm mulling over a letter to start this week off. Someone (can't remember who) posted on last weeks thread a tip about words of affirmation. That a compliment carries more weight if you compliment the character rather than only the action being appreciated. I love that idea so thank you!

Can't wait to hear how everyone is doing with this one.

ETA:
20WrongsVs1 said

when we read the book together, he suggested I praise his character instead of his actions. For example,

"It's so great when you unload the dishwasher," is nice, but...

"You're so considerate to unload the dishwasher," deposits a Words of Affirmation coin into the love bank.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 11:26 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1511 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
SecondHelping
♂ 36796
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want so much for my wife to read this book and understand me. Good luck with your experiments. I'm jeolous.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 496 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tough A-season day today. . It is the first anniversary of the day he admitted "feelings" for AP. . .so, I will do my best with words of affirmation, but may have to double up tomorrow. . .ha! I don't think, "honey, you do a great job of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide" is probably good enough, and it may be all i can muster today.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Ok, I am in this week!

t/j: SecondHealping, have you read the book? Perhaps buy it and take turns reading a chapter every day. Or just visit the 5lovelanguages web site and you can both do the questionnaire on there.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SecondHelping
♂ 36796
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44, yes I read it and bought it for her. We both did the online survey, but it came out a bit different than when I read the book and did a retake. She hasn't started it yet. I bought it for her over 6 months ago.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 496 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
SpotlessMind
♀ 41775
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh, I like this! I missed the first week but maybe I can start here!


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks knight. I am excited for this week.
BG.... thinking about you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SadFlower
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have jumped on the bandwagon late, just in time for Acts of Service.

Yesterday afternoon, FWH was looking depressed. Work is overwhelming at the moment. On top of that, he has plantar fascitis, and his feet were hurting. He sings in the church choir and had been on his feet seemingly for days at the marathon of Holy Week and Easter services. So I offered to massage his feet and legs. He looked at me with tears in his eyes! Yes, he said! He was just so very grateful, and he oohed and aahed the whole time (which made me feel good). We laughed and joked while I was massaging him, and by the end, he seemed to have come out of his funk.

Words of Affirmation should be easy! I'm looking forward to it.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad Flower,

Thanks for sharing that sweet story!


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1511 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Pentup
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my h's love language and I suck at it. I guess I could try a little harder this week on it.

Bionic Gal that is more likely what I might say most days.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6682 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a great start on this week! My FWH was in a really euphoric mood on Friday/Saturday/Sun morning due to a deliverable at work that he knocked out of the ball park. Which I gave him plenty of strokes for, for the hard work he did. Last night, we cuddled in bed a bit while I fell asleep, then he got up to play Civilization on his computer for a while and to read until he was sleepy, which we had discussed. This morning, while we were having coffee, he brought up that he had started to feel a bit grouchy during the night, possibly coming down from the high that he had had, we had had a couple of glasses of wine, so he was feeling a bit relaxed, and he started thinking about how he wanted to go look for some porn on the computer, why couldn't he do that? All men did it, it wasn't so bad ... and then snapped out of it and went straight to bed. He said that he thought that it was a combo of being tired, having a couple of drinks, not feeling as great as he had the day before, and all of those coupled with his computer sent his mind back into old habits and old patterns.

I thanked him for telling me, told him that I was so proud of him being able to recognize those patterns and snap himself out of them, and that I loved the growth and strength that he showed to me every day by talking honestly about his struggles and his triumphs. That I knew he was working hard to overcome old habits and that I could clearly see the results of his hard work. And now we have a date tomorrow! I'm driving him to and from work so we only have one car and I have NO idea what's on his mind!

I think that a letter sometime this week is in the cards, as it were, too!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5102 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, you are a kind and generous woman, thanks for modeling how to praise the positives, instead of deride the negatives. I so need improvement in that area.

WoA is BH's LL. Reading the LL book and discussing it with BH taught me (at least for BH) the difference between a compliment and Words of Affirmation. Even though it may feel contrived, especially initially...I view it as converting my sincere, spontaneous good feelings into deliberate WoA.

This evening BH was outside coaching the kids, and I felt so happy and proud watching them play together. During supper I asked the kids if, now that they understand the huge time commitment, they were glad they started this sport, and they quickly agreed. So I said, "Daddy is such a positive influence on our family, WRT athletics. I never would've thought to get you started in this, and you're lucky to have a great coach in Daddy." Of course he reciprocated by mentioning an activity I got him into and it became a nice chat about how complementary we are as a couple. (Cue wave of shame and regret, but that's for another thread.)

A few minutes ago he said I make him feel so good when I talk him up to the kids.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this week. Missed last week.

Yesterday I praised my husband for working a lot of overtime lately, dealing with a difficult situation at work, and for fixing our Dyson, lol. Just positive affirmation.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
SadFlower
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought WofA would be easy, but yesterday almost got away from me. Daughter and grandson (age 4, energetic!) are visiting, so it's been kind of a whirlwind around here. And FWH got home from work a little late (lots of irritating meetings). By the end of dinner, I was exhausted and a little zombie-like. I had forgotten all about the LL experiment.

Finally, after we went to bed and were snuggling, I realized I had not given any WofA, so I said, "You have the best cuddling body!" Well, at least it was something! And it did result in a tighter squeeze! I'll try to do better today.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im opting out this week.

On Sunday I was told new information(unsolicited) ...via my adult son. Years old shit..but pretty upsetting.

So..I just can't tell him how wonderful he is this week.

I am here. That is enough.

He is sorry. But I had to find this out from someone else..not him...and it was my child.

So...no.

And...I feel bad. Because I committed to this. It makes me feel weak. I feel weak.

Good luck to all of you. I will read this thread..and pick myself up and come back next week.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:15 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SadFlower
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((confused615))))) I'm so sorry.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Confused)))))

You are so very strong. Take the time to get through thIs. Your feelings are much more important right now.

I am sorry for your pain.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, you do what you can and don't feel sorry for what you can't. You take care of YOU this week that's far more important at this point. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5102 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry, confused.
(((Confused)))


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I think I've done well the past two days. . .praised how is now with our son, how different he is. (That is almost a negative, but he has changed a lot.)

I said some really nice things about him in therapy yesterday, praised some physical things about him, and thanked him for working so hard and being so considerate.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.