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How is this my life?

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maybethistime posted 4/21/2014 02:42 AM

I have been a member here for a long time but never posted my story. I came here daily for support and encouragement through others, but with this latest (and final) chapter in this nightmare I need to talk to someone who understands.
I have been married to a serial cheater for 17 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters. From the outside everything is picture perfect. The reality is that I have no clue who I am married to. I catch him in cyber affairs (will never admit to what I don't find and he is good at covering his tracks).
Tonight I found proof that he has been seeking unprotected sex from transsexuals. WTF?! He admits to seeking oral sex from them and storms out of the house. I get a phone call 3 hours later from his command (he's military) letting me know he is being admitted to the psych unit because he tried to kill himself. I can't do this anymore. I have loved him forever but he is slowly destroying me. I KNOW for everyone I know about there are probably 20 I haven't caught on to. I KNOW I have to let go of this illusion of a life to save myself and my daughters. How do I let go?
I have no idea where to go, who to turn to. We just moved across country again for his job. Why move us if he was going to cheat again? Why drag me through all the counseling, retreat, books, trust rebuilding exercises if none of it was real? I am so lost...
Thank you for reading this long story. I'm sorry we are all here.

Credence posted 4/21/2014 03:23 AM

maybethistime, I am so glad you've posted your story, you will get loads of help and support specific to your situation. It's heart-breaking knowing that your WS is not who you thought he was and you really need to take action to deal with the heart-ache.

Your WS is clearly TT'ing and unremorseful. I think you need to tell him that you will not share him and he needs to be completely committed to your marriage or not at all. You need the truth and you need him to show you by his actions that he is committed to building a new relationship with you.

If he refuses to do this and give you total transparency then you need to start the 180, see a divorce lawyer and show him that you are not his doormat.

If he threatens suicide, call the police immediately!

Dig deep, you'll need all of the strength that you can muster to be able to take control of your situation. Post here often, we're here for you.

maybethistime posted 4/21/2014 03:36 AM

Thank you so much for responding. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. The therapist in the ER stated that he is being transferred to the psych ward and he will probably be there for 5-7 days.

I know he is withholding the truth and to be honest I doubt he will ever fess up. It's so hard because I am so angry but I can't even talk to him! His therapist said he is unable to answer any questions and that he may not be stable enough to answer any for awhile. I know this sounds horrible but I just don't think I can hold his hand through this mess again. I want to cut and run so badly. I feel like this whole suicide attempt is just a manipulation tactic so I will sweep this mess under the rug to he can say "well I was sick when I did those things and that's not me anymore".

I'm so angry and hurt that once again I am left picking up the mess while he escapes the damage. I'm the one comforting the kids who overheard everything. My 16 yr old wants nothing to do with him and my 12 yr old wants to move away.

littleflower posted 4/21/2014 03:45 AM


Lots of hugs

bigskyblues posted 4/21/2014 04:16 AM

Maybe, first and foremost put all of your energy towards taking care of yourself and your children. Realize that waywards are broken inside and there is nothing you can do to fix them, they have to be willing to fix themselves.The military medical system may be able to help him but you can't. This cheating cycle is not about you it is totally about him.

Hopefully some military spouses will offer you more specific guidance to on base assistance. I would suggest getting in to see about legal assistance to see what your rights and benefits are (remember protect yourself and the children).

You will get advice about the 180 etc. in its simplest form it means detaching from your wh, and taking care of your needs. During that detach time he will have the space to choose to work on himself or not, but those are his choices to make.

I wish you the best and I am so sorry you are here with us. SI people are some of the best people in the world to help you through this painful experience.


OakStreet posted 4/21/2014 04:22 AM


So sorry you are here and for the anquish you and your DDs are going through.

I have no specific advice, since I'm going through DDay #2 recently, but hopefully others will chime in today.

Counseling for you too! This is very traumatic.

Best wishes to you & family.

maybethistime posted 4/21/2014 06:36 AM

Thank you all for the support and hugs to you all. This situation is such a screwed up place to be in. I just can't believe this is my life! I don't even know what the emotion I am feeling right now is.

norabird posted 4/21/2014 09:22 AM


Wow, you really did join a long time ago. This seems to be the straw that breaks the camels back. I don't think it's at all wrong of you to feel you can't stand by him through this. And I too think his suicide attempt is manipulation. He probably believes he meant it--but, really, he's just too selfish to know how to handle things with maturity. He needs this to be about his pain and struggle. While what you have endured in his mind pales to his 'crisis'. It's deeply unfair to you, especially since you have been undoubtedly put at risk through his behavior.

Please give yourself permission to drop the outward appearance of a good marriage and free yourself to actually find one later with a more truthful husband.

iamsoblind42 posted 4/21/2014 09:33 AM

The psych ward sounds like the best place for your WH right now. He will get great help in the psych ward and lots of therapy. If his is truly suicidal they will keep him there.

Can you get away for a few days? I don't suggest running away but a change of scenery did wonders for me and my kids after DDay. We went to Disney World. It was a trip that had already been planned but I have to say it really is the Happiest Place on Earth.

1) Go to IC as soon as possible for you and your girls
2) Go meet with an attorney just so you know your options.
3) Get STD Tested
4) Run his credit report so you know what you are financially up against
5) If you KNOW it's over tell whomever you want otherwise I would limit who you tell to your IC.
6) Drink plenty of water, try your best to sleep (sleeping pills if you have to)

I am so sorry you are going through this. In 1.5 hours I am headed to court for my final divorce proceeding.


krispy47 posted 4/21/2014 10:08 AM

MTT, I am so sorry for your pain. I too am maried to a serial cheater and SA. I have only known for a few weeks, but I share your sense of disbelief: WHO are you?! And WHAT have you done to me?!

You are in NO WAY obligated to care for your WS, no matter what his current state of mind. He has clearly NOT been caring for you. This man has exposed you and your kids to AIDS and other STDs without any remorse. When you ask, "How do I let go?", try focusing on this one fact. He could literally have killed you and your family and did not care enough about that to stop. Focus on that white hot feeling of righteous rage, and let the energy of it carry you through when you feel weak. It really works!

Find a counselor and a lawyer right away, preferably ones who have some expertise with military spouses. You need to protect yourself and your daughters.

And keep posting. Reading is helpful, but I speak from experience when I say that having SI members respond directly to you and your specific concerns lifts you up like nothing else. We're here for you.

[This message edited by krispy47 at 10:09 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

nekonamida posted 4/21/2014 11:27 AM

Why move us if he was going to cheat again? Why drag me through all the counseling, retreat, books, trust rebuilding exercises if none of it was real? I am so lost...

Cake eating. Pure and simple selfishness. He wanted to keep you married to him without having to do any of the real work of staying faithful and honoring you and your marriage.

I agree with you about the suicide attempt being a manipulation tactic. If you had been attempting to R , he probably realized this might be the last straw for him and wanted to put the spot light of pain on himself as a way to distract you from wisening up and leaving. You know him best so how much do you want to bet if you tried to talk to him about the As with transsexuals and the STD/AIDs risk he placed on you that he'd shut you down because he's too emotionally fragile right now or in too much pain? How much do you want to bet he'd blame you for bringing it up at all at a time like this? It seems like a convenient veil for him to hide behind for the next few weeks to months as an excuse for why he shouldn't have to talk about the hard stuff, get an STD test, or do any more work on R. If you cut your losses and run like your gut is telling you (always listen to your gut!), NO ONE would fault you. This is too much for many to deal with and if you KNOW you will not hear the end about how you tried to talk about your pain from the As while he's suicidal, it would be in your best interest to look in to your legal options immediately and play those cards when you feel it's right. If you're not quite ready to make that decision, I would suggest looking in to those options but ultimately waiting until he's out of the psych ward and seeing how he responds. Will they require him to have mandatory IC? That would certainly help but honestly you don't really know what their counseling is like. Who he's seeing right now could be patting him on the back and holding his hand instead of pointing out that his actions brought on a lot of the pain he's in and helping him work that out. (Note: I don't say this because I think their counselors are inept. I say this because liars are VERY good at making counselors side with them in situations like this and tell them what they want to hear while being ignorant to the full story. I doubt he's telling them the full story and likely using the suicide attempt to his full advantage.)

How to detach - fully committing to the 180. Take the time you can't contact him as time to fully work on yourself WITHOUT him around distracting you with his pain. I agree with krisy47 so much! Remind yourself that he has exposed you to life threatening disease without a care! He could have exposed you to AIDs or the very common HPV which causes cervical cancer! Getting both leads to faster accumulation of cancerous lesions. You could lose your fertility or your life. Your life is at stake here when your H decides to sleep around with multiple people with questionable sexual histories, whether or not he uses condoms, and come home to sleep with you without your knowledge.

maybethistime posted 4/21/2014 11:33 AM

Thank you again for all the support! My family is trying to help but I feel more like they are directing me what to do instead of listening and hearing me. I spent the morning getting std tests and with the clinic psychiatrist. He referred me to an outside agency for emergency counseling for the girls and I.

I wish I could escape! I want to run away or bury my head in the sand. I have to be the one to once again pick up all the pieces (house, kids, dogs) while he escapes the consequences. I want so much to stomp my feet and yelling it's not fair.

I have had moments where I wish I never picked up his phone and looked. But I know ultimately that this is for the best. My sister keeps telling me that losing the blinders will free me to experience the life I was meant to. I am praying she is right.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/21/2014 12:49 PM

Your sister is 100% right. It's time for the blinders to come off before you end up with HIV or some other awful disease that compromises or threatens your life.

For 17 years you've been disrespected, demoralized, devalued and emotionally abused. Your sexual health has been at constant risk for 17 straight years and somehow, by the grace of all that's good and holy, you seem to have escaped getting anything life-altering or life-threatening. You've been fortunate.

But how many times do you want to spin the wheel and chance your health just to be with someone who doesn't give a rat's ass WHAT he brings home to you? I'm being completely candid here, but do you want to suffer painful herpes outbreaks for the rest of your life just because your husband wanted to get his jollies in some bus station bathroom with a tranny wearing a dress??? Do you want to be tested positive for HIV and have a death sentence hanging above your head for as long as you live because your husband wanted to play with transgenders/transsexuals/transvestites from Craigslist or AdultFriendFinder? Why should that life sentence be YOUR cross to bear?

I truly hope you DO get out of there - and soon. If you can't do it for yourself, then think about doing it for your daughters so they don't lose their mother at a young age because their father thought getting his freak on was more important than honoring the woman he married.

You know it's time.

Merlin posted 4/21/2014 12:54 PM

We don't get to choose. 'Others' did that for us.

We just get the consequences.

Yes, it sucks.

But it's real, it's now and for now all there is.

He has shown you (repeatedly) who he is. Believe him this time.

Then begin the awful ( yet ultimately rewarding) task of building a life for you and your children without him.

maybethistime posted 4/21/2014 13:02 PM

Neko and Neveragain, you are absolutely right. He is manipulating me and endangering me. I KNOW that he is. I KNOW if I give him any more time or energy I will be right back here again and again. Only this time I will hear that it is not his fault because he's "ill". I have no doubt that something is seriously wrong with him. But I feel like he is drowning and taking me down with him. I know I have to save myself but it is so hard to see the man that I have devoted my life to and loved for 18 years flailing about. I know I can't save him, he has to do that for himself.

maybethistime posted 4/21/2014 16:37 PM

Can anyone recommend a good book about helping myself survive this mess? Last time our counselor had us read (mostly me read) books designed at helping the marriage. This time I need to figure out how I heal myself.

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