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rolling off my back

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ThisHell posted 4/21/2014 06:43 AM

Its getting easier and easier to do this. Let his stupid crap roll off my back. This year was my turn to have the boys for Easter. He had asked last week if his parents came to visit if they could see the boys a little over the weekend and I was fine with working some time out.

We had a lovely Easter morning and on the way home from church I get a text from him (his parents never came down btw)

Him: can I stop and see the kids at some point?
(why he even thinks he is entitled to is annoying and I don't want him just hanging here while I am straightening up for family dinner but I am a nice person and know my kids would enjoy time so...)

Me: we will be home getting cleaning done. Would you like to pick them up and take them to lunch or something for a bit?
(out of my house...)

Him: yeah, that'd be good. 1:15?

Me: yes, I need them to straighten their rooms so that gives them time to do so. Can you please have them back by 3? Company coming.
(he didn't need this info I know, but he tends to function on his own time and I needed him to know there was a reason I needed them home)

Him: yep

So he picks them up and waiting in the doorway with his slightly sad look says "family all coming over for dinner I guess?" and I am thinking... dude? You didn't think you'd miss any of this, why you so sad? Just nod instead...

Of course he is late... he texts me at quarter after 3 to let me know they are leaving the mall now. Um, LEAVING? So once again, no respect or appreciation that he even HAD time with them enough to have them home when they were supposed to be.

Me: so basically me saying have them back by 3 means have them back whenever you feel like...

Him: its fine, next time I won't tell you anything.
(what?!!)

Me: no, next time I will say no you can't have them on my day because clearly you can't manage to be respectful of the time period we agree to

Him: wow, and to think the other day I was just telling someone that you weren't being a bitch to me. Funny.
(he knows I hate the B word... but seriously? I'm the bitch... the one who didn't have to share the boys with him at all!)
Crickets would have been right here I know but...

Me: I'm not. Its my holiday with the boys this year and I was fine with you having time with them, but you can't seem to be respectful of that once again...I doubt I will have the same opportunities when YOU have them through the holidays since you tend to take them to jersey. I won't get to see them for a few hours, so the holidays I DO get are valuable to me.

Nothing more from him. Probably because he thinks he succeeded in ruining the rest of my day. Which in the past would have... but no. Water on my back. I have a hard time NOT defending myself to some degree. I don't know why. Its not like I care about his opinion of me and I know its just him annoyed that its Easter and he doesn't have them so he needs to do something to ruin mine, but I'm finally at a place where I can laugh at him knowing why he does this stuff. Still working on not defending myself or giving him ego kibbles though.
Its just amazing to me. I'm the bitch... for what? Allowing him time that I didn't HAVE to on my holiday? How about, don't be an asshole! Be thankful I was gracious to you and appreciate that and actually be a grown up and leave the mall in time to be back when you are supposed to. Not when you are already 15 minutes late!

Gemini71 posted 4/21/2014 07:36 AM

You've got it all figured out. Next holiday when he asks for time, either crickets or "No." You've tried being nice, it doesn't work. FTG.

devistatedmom posted 4/21/2014 07:56 AM

Don't worry about defending yourself. Yeah, NC, the 180 and crickets are great, but sometimes, especially early on I think it can be important to stand up for yourself and show them you won't be walked all over anymore. They realize you won't let them disrespect you anymore.

Good for you.

SBB posted 4/21/2014 08:40 AM

Dear Douchebag,

Perhaps you didn't get the memo - I don't have to put up with your crap anymore. That is not me being a bitch
- that is me not having to put up with your crap anymore.

How late was he? I'm fine with up to 15m - I'm not so good with times myself. Yes it is annoying because you didn't have to help him out but.... I prefer to choose my battles.

In my situation he's the time Nazi - I'm on time 99.99% of the time. He gets agro if I'm even 5 mins late and used to try to make an issue of it. He got crickets instead so that put an end to that source of ego kibbles for him. I don't have to sweat being 10 mins late just because it makes his anxiety peak. Not my job anymore. Yay.

ThisHell posted 4/21/2014 16:53 PM

He texted that he was LEAVING the mall 15 minutes after he was already supposed to have them home. We had cousins waiting on them for an Easter egg hunt at my house. He new I had company coming and needed them home by 3. They were about 30-35 minutes late.

He does this often. I have told him in the past when he has been late and I've had to cancel or reschedule hair appointments with clients that if he is more than 30 minutes I will take the children with me and he will be forfeiting his time. My time is valuable too and he just doesn't give a shit how it disrupts me. But I should always be willing to be flexible for him... and if I have to scramble to adjust and I even bring it up that its not cool, all of a sudden I am a bitch again.. whatever.

GabyBaby posted 4/21/2014 17:06 PM

He new I had company coming and needed them home by 3. They were about 30-35 minutes late.
This is the reason why I always tell XWH that I need the kids back at least an hour before I actually do.

He showed no respect for my time or plans and always brought them back late.
When I bumped the time back by an hour or two, it became a non-issue for me.

SBB posted 4/21/2014 17:46 PM

You're right - 30m is taking the piss. ^^I'd consider what she is suggesting or you could stop being flexible.

He doesn't get to call you a bitch anymore (not that he ever did but he certainly doesnt now) but you have to ignore it. Considering the source it isn't even worth reacting to.

My aim isn't to teach him any lessons - it is to limit how much his fuckery can impact my life.

FTG!!

GabyBaby posted 4/21/2014 18:00 PM

I'd consider what she is suggesting or you could stop being flexible.
My kids were a bit older when I kicked XWH out, so I stayed a little on the flexible side for my kids' sake.

I don't know the ages of ThisHell's kids, but I"m guessing if they're doing Easter Egg hunts, they're fairly young. You could consider remaining inflexible for now and stick to the agreement. When your kids get older and want to do random stuff with their father, you could consider the "early return time" trick so make sure you don't get jerked around.

ThisHell posted 4/21/2014 21:32 PM

Thanks guys. I have also thought to tell him an earlier time because he's always late and he does know it is a way to somehow ruin my day or stress me out. I will definitely tell him 30-60 minutes earlier than necessary in the future.

My kids are 12, 8 and almost 6, but we did have younger kids itching to put all those eggs they saw into their baskets lol,

It just really is crazy to me that he would turn around and have the gall to say "I just won't tell you anything next time...". Like really asshole? We get along fine when we don't have to see each other, lol, and then the occasional few moments of kid planning at soccer practice or something, but god, if we didn't divorce one of us would have probably driven the other literally crazy or killed the other, lol!

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