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Newest Member: whodathunkit (51712)

User Topic: A comment from somebody
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was talking to somebody I hadn't seen in quite a long time and she asked me about my exWW. I gave her the quick low down and she asked me why we divorced. I said mainly because of my ExWw's infidelity and self esteem issues she didn't want to work on.

The instant response from her..."Why did she cheat? Were you ignoring her for your job and not satisfying her needs?"

You cannot imagine the anger I held back. I said..."No the complete opposite in fact...she spent so much time with her job and grew quite the ego."

Her reaction was almost disbelief. Why are men so stereotyped when infidelity arrives in a marriage that regardless of whomever participates in it, it is always somehow the man's fault it occured? It's either the man is a cheating dirtbag or it's his actions somehow that drove her to cheat...really?

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:13 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

BS(me) 49
WW 48
1 son 16 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of my fears. There is a stigma about the ending of relationships being a man's fault. Of course this is not an all or nothing situation and people know that women can be at fault too, but it is an assumption that a lot of people hold.

Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's OK. People are stupid if it hasn't happened to them.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard "if you don't feed a dog at home, he's going to stray".

Trust me, my dog was getting fed at home.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 8668 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 25624
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh..they assume the same about BW

If there wasn't butterflies and blow jobs every night year after year we weren't taking care of them

remarried 11-15-15

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sean: Heck my wife already believes this is all my fault. She was justified because I couldn't fill the frickin hole in her self esteem bucket.

I find myself saying less and less because it just doesn't matter what they think. You know the truth.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many people who have never experienced infidelity think that the BS must have done or not done something to "cause" the cheating. I think it is a defense mechanism so they can convince themselves it will never happen in their relationship. Of course, a lot of things we believed before about infidelity are different once we actually go through it.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ 27088
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. People assume that the BS wasn't handling "business" at home if their WS decided to cheat.

In most cases that is completely untrue, the WS are broken people that had options and they went with the most selfish and destructive one.

I refuse to be blamed for his choice to cheat. I'm not perfect and will own my issues, but not his.

BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Sean. You did an admirable job of not blowing up at such rude and out-of-line statements.

I am blown away that grown up people think it's ok to pry into someone's personal business to such an extent, let alone accuse them of causing the problem.

I fully support the right to call people out on these kinds of questions.

"Wow, Jane. That was really rude and offensive."

You can call me NIK

"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown

Posts: 34442 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Because good people cheat when their 'needs' are not being met.

IMO this reaction says more about them than their view of your situation. Clearly she a) thinks it's OK to cheat as long as X, Y, Z does or doesn't happen or b) she lives in that bubble where she thinks she has any influence or control over whether or not her husband cheats on her.

Both are fatally flawed.

Try not to let this stuff get to you. It is a view borne of deliberate ignorance or shady character.

My own view used to be that wayward women were vilified as whores and demons yet wayward men just victims of their primal urges, naughty boys.

I've been schooled here that in infidelity a large part of society blames the BS in some way for the reasons I set out in a) and b) above.

Ignorance is bliss, right. Until that ignorance kicks you hard in the arse.

BTW - nobody likes to hear me say "He used me to have kids." It is absolutely true but it makes them enormously uncomfortable. Surely there can't be monsters like this walking among us? No. No - I'll assume she wasn't meeting his needs instead.

I had the shittest husband on the planet. He had not met my needs for years. I did not cheat. I would have divorced him with or without a DD had it continued as it had been going for those last 2 awful years.

[This message edited by SBB at 8:29 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5953 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♂ 36726
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sean -

This is it for sure:

That's OK. People are stupid if it hasn't happened to them.

I would probably say any one of us probably didn't understand either until it happened to us.

Bottom line you know what happened. I'm coming up on my 2 year D-day anniversary. She still blames me for her infidelity. I wasn't home enough, I didn't take her away, the flame had gone out for her, etc. etc. etc. Just a reminder of the type of person she became. Blame shift all the way. People don't ask me much any more, most people I know have heard through the grape vine. Now they just see me with my kids trying to be a good dad to them. That's the only thing I want people to see. They see her with her new husband, driving expensive car, showboating around, acting as if she is happier than she has ever been.

You can put lipstick on a pig my friend.

BH me 47
WW her 39
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (13, 10)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many try to turn back the 'reason(s)' for infidelity back onto the one that was cheated on.

It's not a gender thing at all.

Just people without a clue.

Make it a teaching moment if you want. Otherwise, attend to your own business.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Sean. This person had a chip on their shoulder and unfairly inflicted it on you. I don't want to wish this hell upon anyone...but, I kind of do wish it on people who are so ignorant.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am lucky in that those people who really know me and knew us as a couple do NOT blame me at all for her infidelity. One of my fears, however, is whether or not someone says to me what was said to you, that it'll be assumed by some that I wasn't holding up my end and somehow deserved this. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. Eventually though, I am convinced that the opinion of others has no bearing on who I am and I will be able to hold my head high no matter what others may think.

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
♂ 32317
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did well. But I'm certain you understand that there are likely many people in your life - outside of close friends and family who may know the details - who think this way, who assume these things you find offensive, and over whom you have no control. They're going to think what they're going to think.

Like many of us here, I was one of those people: while I maybe didn't actively ascribe blame to a particular party, I almost always quietly assumed some of these same things. Many of us did, before it happened to us.

(Ironically, it was seeing the lasting effects of a serial-cheating XMiL that changed my view, during my M. XWW openly talked about how she saw her mother as a selfish, broken person who cheated on men who were devoted to her. Crazy, right? I think ultimately, XWW reconciled her own A's with the same bottom line: good people cheat when they're "unhappy"...but I digress).

I agree that there's stigma for both a BW and BH, as others have mentioned here. I am perhaps more attuned to the culture of forgiveness for the "modern" WW, however, as I've said sells more books and makes for better daytime talk show ratings for an audience of women who can convince themselves that they're neglected or unfulfilled, and need to "find themselves"...and if infidelity is part of that process, then the damage and fallout is all part of their growth/rebirth/discovery process, too.

I've yet to encounter anyone as blunt as your friend, however, and it mostly doesn't come up with anyone anymore. Too bad - I would almost welcome that opportunity to say "Yeah, I know, right? I used to think those same things. Until it happens to you, it all seems pretty cut-and-dried...hope it never does".

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's alientating, isn't it, to realize that so many people think like this?

ME: BH, 30
Her: WW, 29
DD: 6
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013

Posts: 352 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was incredibly unhappy in the months leading up to my ex's cheating. Something had shifted in our relationship dynamic and things were not right. I believe we were both very unhappy and neither one of us knew how to fix it. I like to think it was something fixable, but experience now tells me it might not have been... Regardless - I was likely just as unhappy as he was and I never cheated. It never even crossed my mind. I thought about ending the relationship, definitely. But continuing toblive in misery with him while sneaking around behind his back with someone else? Never even considered it.

The fact that that was an acceptable solution to him just goes to show up what a fucked up thinking broken people have.

Me: BGF - 34

And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"

Posts: 2914 | Registered: Feb 2010
♂ 42231
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good points there Whalers11. I knew something was wrong in my relationship too. I think I tried to rationalize it away or just didn't face it head-on like maybe I should have, but I too never considered cheating. It's easy to get caught up in self-blame and wonder "what if I had done X, Y or Z," but ultimately, the decision to cheat is their's alone.

One thing my stbxww cited was intimacy issues. I will admit that after everything that happened with our son and all, our sex life never fully recovered. Point is, she made it clear she wanted more, so I kind of "snapped out of it" and actively worked to be more intimate with her, and not just sex. It seemed to be working and we were connecting like we had before, or so I thought. Then there was the night of "meltdown" where she cried about how we were never intimate - within 5 minutes of us just having been intimate. Then there was proclaiming with certainty later that we hadn't had sex "in months" when it had been a few times that week alone. I guess when you're screwing multiple people its hard to keep things straight. Then there was the hint of blaming me for her infidelity all over intimacy issues. This was also after saying "I know I asked for more intimacy, but you're being clingy."

My long winded point here is that while it's still difficult for me to not wonder "what if," her actions make it pretty clear it was a lose-lose situation for me. Nothing I could have done would've stopped her infidelity. She made that decision on her own, and her own account of things that don't line up with reality bear that out. I'm either "clingy" or absent altogether. She was past the point of talking rationally or really wanting to work on us. That's on her, not me, and anyone who would say otherwise has their head up their ass.


"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
♀ 1224
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This happens to BW's too. It is assumed we did "something' to make them cheat.

The only people who say things like this person did to you are . . in my mind . . cheaters or former cheaters. I have never thought that about the BS, even before infidelity happened to me.

I just "knew" there is never an excuse for someone to cheat.

That is why it is called cheating and not "forced to stray"

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 56 Dday 03/2011
Cheater -56 Married 26 yrs
DD - 23 DD -21 DS-19
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA- another married ho-worker- D

Posts: 959 | Registered: Mar 2003
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's OK. People are stupid if it hasn't happened to them.
^^^This. I had something similar happen to me a few weeks ago in a discussion with my neighbor. I told her my stbxww had an LTA and she still asked me what I did wrong because I had to have done something. That conversation started with her asking if there were any job openings in my area of the company. Guess who I will NOT be calling if anything does come up.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2075 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is it for sure:

That's OK. People are stupid if it hasn't happened to them.

I would probably say any one of us probably didn't understand either until it happened to us.

And on top of that, most of us first blamed ourselves for the A after Dday and thought "What did WE do to deserve this!?!?"

At first, we are our own worst enemy.

I'll counter Sean's bad experience with that of my first experience having to explain to anyone that asked, with a single mom who asked me what happened with my D. She knows my STBXW. After I gave her a summarized version, her immediate response was disbelief because she never pegged STBXW to be this "naughty". Then she asks me if this was when STBXW started "working out" at the gym. I said "Yup! Also, she's practically married to her iPhone, started shopping at Victoria Secrets, doing girl's night outs, etc. etc."

The single mom then tells me "I'm a beautician and I here all the time how my clients do exactly what your STBXW is doing and then brag about how they f&cked their trainer, or got a new boyfriend or two behind their husbands' backs...I mean, what the hell is wrong with these women!?!? It's like they have midlife crisis or something is in the water!" In conclusion, she was disgusted with STBXW and told me "I knew there is always two sides of the story." Implying STBXW was already badmouthing me in our social circles.

Divorced - 5/23/14
In my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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