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I just need to vent-I am ashamed

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deena posted 4/21/2014 09:54 AM

It has been a hard couple of weeks.
I have told my WH I want a separation and that I am looking at houses to move to.
Then thru advice from SI I told my kids about the upcoming separation ALONG with why it was happening. 3 of the kids were not surprised and expected it and where very supportive. The youngest one(17) is coming around.
Then a few days ago I told WH that I told the kids and "why" if they asked.

The part I am ashamed about is that since all this happened he is more attentive, doing things around the house, getting home from work a little earlier, more respectful, etc
The part I am ashamed of is the touching........he has been giving me hugs, kisses on the head (sometimes in front of the kids and sometimes not) and now while I was peeling potatoes for Easter supper last night he came from behind and went under my shirt.....even lifted my shirt up (and no the kids weren't around for this). This is something he did in the past before D-Day(4 years ago).

It made me a tiny bit sad because this attention was welcomed a long time ago in happier times.
It confused me as to WHY he is doing it now. ( hoping I will change my mind about the S??)
AND it ashamed me because I didn't say anything to him to stop him.......I didn't respond(my feelings are truly dead for him), but I didn't say anything. I was trying to keep it peaceful and light so there wouldn't be any tension to make all the kids uncomfortable at supper , especially now that they know.

I feel used and ashamed because making things go smoothly (mainly for the kids) is more important to me than my pride. So I let him do these things instead of making a scene.

I am mad, at my self for this AND at WH for being more comfortable at groping me than talking to me!!!
I always have to be the bitch for bringing up "us". And I have brought up the S especially after one of his touchy times to remind him I am still serious about this.

Thanks for the vent........

TrustedHer posted 4/21/2014 10:54 AM


It sounds like he's cake-eating.

It sounds like you're uncertain.

If you were certain about D, you'd treat his touching like it was assault. Which it would be.

What is the purpose of your separation? What behaviors (oops, Canadian: Behaviours ) do you need to see from him to end the separation you haven't started yet?

In other words, what are your boundaries, and what are your terms for R?

Personally, I would have expected an elbow strike to his ribs as the appropriate response.

Sad in AZ posted 4/21/2014 11:05 AM

Sweety, the X did the same things to me, all the while still screwing the OW. It's part of the gaslighting, and as TH said, cake-eating.

Please don't feel guilty; start instituting the 180; read this:

Print it, shrink it and carry it with you to re-read until it starts to make sense.

You can do this.

GabyBaby posted 4/21/2014 11:11 AM

Oooh yes, this is straight out of the WS handbook.
They can almost sense when we're truly done and then they turn on the charm, trying to "sweet" their way back in.

Don't let him get close enough to touch you. If he does, give him the coldest dead-faced stare you can until he takes his hands off of you.
Going under your shirt? Really? He really respects you and your boundaries, huh?

Stop feeling guilty and START getting angry. He's treating you like a plaything he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like doing so.

deena posted 4/21/2014 11:13 AM

oops, Canadian: Behaviours

Loved this

I am not wavering in what I want. I want a separation. He knows this, but he also knows I don't like to make waves. I don't want the kids to see any fighting or too much tension, I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around the house.

I am looking for a new house. I am also partly waiting for his company getting sold (in progress) so the financials will be easier for the transition.

We sleep separate, but he has started to "be nice". I will take nice....just not personal.

I will mention this "too personal" incident to him and will have to state the boundaries again. I just didn't want to ruin the family supper.
I believe he knows all of this, and is taking advantage of it.

deena posted 4/21/2014 11:17 AM

Thanks Sad and Gaby.

I just figured that now that everything is out of the bag we can start acting like adults and just get on with life in a civilized way. To act like adults that are going their separate ways but without the anger and pettiness that can make it uncomfortable for others to be around.

Guess I was wrong.


betrayedidiot posted 4/21/2014 11:19 AM

They can almost sense when we're truly done and then they turn on the charm, trying to "sweet" their way back in.

Ooooh I can so relate to this one. I only gave R a week, and he was definitely playing this card. He was so helpful, so sweet, romantic even (something he NEVER was before). I felt like we were connecting. He was touching me and kissing me a lot.

Yes, he was cake-eating. It wasn't until he actually lured me back into bed with him that it hit me so hard that this is what was happening. And the gravity of what he had done to me.

WHY should he get to have his cake? No way. I kicked him out. I will not be manipulated any longer! Even when I see him due to our daughter, he still is trying to put the "sweet" moves on. It makes me feel bitchy and crazy sometimes, but I have to be strong. I don't need him, and I won't give him what he wants.

deena posted 4/21/2014 11:24 AM

I just keep in my mind all of the things I don't like about him anymore.

His controlling ways (which I see this as another one), his lies and just in general his a**hole attitude.
I truly don't like him very much anymore as a person at all.

But he is still the father of my kids and I want to make them comfortable.

I have also told a couple of friends about all of this. I have their support in most of it, but I am too ashamed to tell them how far I let him go this time to keep the peace. But family supper is I will correct it now.

I know the feeling about feeling bitchy and crazy at times How true

[This message edited by deena at 11:27 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

GabyBaby posted 4/21/2014 11:28 AM

But he is still the father of my kids and I want to make them comfortable
I would say that allowing him to treat you like this after having told the kids about the A and the upcoming separation is not doing the kids any good.
I think it would be pretty darned confusing for your kids to see their dad with his hands all over their mother who says that she wants out.
It doesn't look like they're done...what the...?!!

I'd be willing to bet that if you call him out on his touchy feely crap in front of the kids ONCE, he'd be less prone to keep trying (at least in front of them).

Nature_Girl posted 4/21/2014 11:42 AM

I want to encourage you to see this as a habit you're trying to break, rather than a moral failure on your part. When we're in the middle of a bad situation, one where we've never been before & haven't imagined ourselves being in, we do what we think we need to do to survive/get through it.

I have things I did during the marriage that I am terribly ashamed of. For you, your shame is coming after. You have to put it down & walk away from it. Let it motivate you to do better next time, then just walk away from it.

deena posted 4/21/2014 11:49 AM

It doesn't look like they're done...what the...?!!

Gaby, Yes this bothers me.

Nature...I have moments of shame during the marriage too. I do have to do better than I have been. I have to be more firm.

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