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Am I being unreasonable?

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rn_6609 posted 4/21/2014 10:17 AM

My SO has a large group of friends. A couple recently befriended a couple we spend a lot of time with. The "new" couple are swingers. She speaks about her conquests and says you can't be married 25 years without playing around and keeping things interesting. I find her to be REVOLTING!!!!! My SO thinks I am judging. He believes as long as they are nice to us and don't try to involve us we should just have fun with our group even when they are there.
Am I taking this too personal because I was cheated on? I don't care to be around either of them. I think if a person in your group of friends glorifies infidelity it becomes an accepted behavior. This will cause trouble between SO and I as they are around the group often.

little turtle posted 4/21/2014 10:25 AM

Why do you say that the couple glorifies infidelity? Because they are swingers? I don't think being a swinger makes you a cheater.

How will hanging out with them as part of your group cause trouble between your SO and yourself? You said your SO doesn't want to be involved with them.

norabird posted 4/21/2014 10:31 AM

I think infidelity and swinging aren't quite the same thing as the partners involved have agreed to the latter agreement though I understand how it's triggering you. However, try and work through your trigger here. Or offer your perspective in the group if you can do so without going on the attack. It doesn't have to be a decision you condone, but it is the decision of this couple to make, and at some level you have to be able to accept that other people aren't always going to share your attitudes, KWIM? Though I do think her discussing her conquests sounds childish and immature. Discretion, geez!

ButterflyGirl posted 4/21/2014 11:07 AM

I agree swinging is different than infidelity, purely for the lying and manipulation factor.

I personally find it pretty revolting, and I'd be one of the ones who would let the jealousy get the best of me..

But I think I just look at sex differently than swingers.. Where they are looking for and enjoy casual sex with multiple partners, perhaps I am looking for sex that's more intimate, emotional, and monogamous..

I wouldn't judge their lifestyle, but I can totally see you not wanting your man hanging around them. You want him to feel as you do and to not be interested in emotionless, relationship-free sex.. I think staying away from the temptation is probably best.. I don't know that I could have a close friend who swings a lot.. Certainly wouldn't want her around my man..

TrulySad posted 4/21/2014 11:28 AM

I think you're being completely reasonable. You have every right to surround yourself with people who share the same values and boundaries you and your SO do. This isn't judging. It's protecting your relationship, using the information you have.

I look at swingers as open cheaters. It's my opinion, and I'm sure there are people who disagree. And that's okay. I chose to stay away from them for the simple fact that while I respect the very firm boundaries within my relationship, I don't think they have respect for those boundaries.

And the woman you are referring to...she clearly believes it takes playing around to make things interesting. That's NOT a friend of your relationship.

If you ever run into them again, and she feels the need to express her beliefs out loud, you could always follow it up with your beliefs and how you view it is infidelity. That while you're sorry she and her husband aren't interesting enough to solely be with just each other...that you and your SO are completely into each other, and that it gets better and better with every passing year.

[This message edited by TrulySad at 5:50 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

FaithFool posted 4/21/2014 11:44 AM

I think her remarking specifically about needing to have sex outside the marriage "to keep things interesting" lets you know

a) she is either clueless about how that might be inappropriate to express in mixed company or

b) she really doesn't give a damn what "straight" people think, and is advertising her availability to the men in the group should anyone be bored with their current partner and need a little excitement to spice things up.

I'm thinking b).

And no, I wouldn't want anything to do with a guy who thought that was OK. It speaks volumes about his values.

He hasn't been through the fire of infidelity obviously so he has no frame of reference in that department. You have every right to express your desire NOT to hang out with those folks.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:46 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 4/21/2014 12:09 PM

I think the new woman's attitude is horrendous. Further, the fact that she had to announce it to everyone tells me she & her husband have moved to your group because it's a fresh feeding ground. Yuck.

NaiveAgain posted 4/21/2014 12:51 PM

I personally won't hang around with people that don't have the same relationship values I have. I've seen studies done where your peer group does actually have an influence on your own behavior, so even if you don't condone swinging, if you hang around others that do, at some point, you may start feeling that since everyone else is doing it....hey!

So, no...I don't think you are being unreasonable. I don't judge those that feel swinging is a valid lifestyle for them, and if it works for them, fine. But that doesn't mean I want to hang with them on a consistent basis. Now, if they are a small part of a larger group that gets together for other things, I don't think it would bother me much. To each his own..... But here is what disturbs me most about this one....

Though I do think her discussing her conquests sounds childish and immature.
That, and...

She speaks about her conquests and says you can't be married 25 years without playing around and keeping things interesting.
That is just rude. I don't make other people listen to stories about my sex life.

she really doesn't give a damn what "straight" people think, and is advertising her availability to the men in the group should anyone be bored with their current partner and need a little excitement to spice things up.
Yeaaahhhh......I kind of get that vibe also.....

I could be a casual acquaintance of someone that swings as long as I don't have to hear about how great it is, but those last 3 that I quote would keep me far, far away from this one.....

rn_6609 posted 4/21/2014 12:54 PM

I would like to add a little more clarity. We went to a play with a group of friends and they were along. After the theatre, we went for drinks. She openly "picked up" a man and just hung on him all night and then took him back to their hotel room. We all stayed in the same hotel...different rooms obviously. I was truly turned off by this behavior.
My SO is ok around them. I am not...I think inviting this lifestyle in to our group who spend at least two times a week together is asking for trouble.
Maybe I'm a little self conscious because my SO (I'm going to give TMI here) is very well endowed and she talks incessantly about picking up men of a different race for the size of the penis. I find it stereotypical and disgusting.
Although I agree people are allowed their own opinions about lifestyle choices...I personally don't want to hang around them. My SO says this is judgemental because they are nice to us. They are nice...I just don't want any part of them.
I think watching her in action put me over the top. I was mortified to see this happen before my eyes. Maybe I am a little prudish this way. IDK. I do know...I don't want to go anywhere they are invited and I don't think my SO should be at happy hour with them if I am at work. I just see trouble, trouble, trouble!!!

fireproof posted 4/21/2014 17:53 PM

I am not judging but people if the person is very open may not understand proper boundaries.

I would be more concerned about that and your SOs positive feelings towards being with them.

That being said I would trust your instinct. It is ok to say this isn't for me - possibly a deal breaker. My concern would be his unwillingness to see your discomfort.

Let it be your choice.

absolut posted 4/22/2014 01:59 AM

How long have you been with SO?

I think this speaks volumes about him. He is focused on telling you to "not judge" (and in the process judging you) but not on making you feel cared for comfortable or safe when you're with him. Not on making you feel respected or heard.

cmego posted 4/22/2014 06:49 AM

I don't think you are necessarily "judging" this couple…but your lifestyles don't "mesh".

I have a good friend who is an open swinger, but I don't hang out with her in a "party" situation. We met at school and we are school friends. I know she is a swinger, she knows I'm not, therefore we just don't cross that line.

We go to lunch together and talk school stuff.

If you are uncomfortable, for whatever reasons, shouldn't your SO put your needs first? You can still hang out with them, but maybe draw a boundary of "meet at the movies then part ways" or "just meet for lunch" or "go to festivals together", but as soon as you get uncomfortable, then you should part ways.

NaiveAgain posted 4/22/2014 07:29 AM

I don't think my SO should be at happy hour with them if I am at work. I just see trouble, trouble, trouble!!!
Yeah, that is a big no, but honestly, my SO don't go to happy hour with anyone without me. It makes me uncomfortable (my issue, but who cares? We all have issues and the right partner will respect those individual issues.)

Bottom line. You are not comfortable hanging around them. Your SO should respect YOUR feelings on this.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/23/2014 22:31 PM

My stbx always used the mystery-person who did this or that and whose spouse was *fine* with it or *got over it* as a way to make me feel as if there was something *wrong* with me, so I would not be able to be in the situation you described. Because of 1) the *openness* of the swinging; 2) her sweeping, generalized statement about *having* to play around; and 3) the fact that SO was making me feel as if having my own negative opinion about the behavior of the new couple was wrong. It wouldn't even matter to me if it was unreasonable or not -- I wouldn't be able to do it.

I think a discussion about boundaries is in order.
Bring it up with the *group* and see if others were also uncomfortable. If so, then the boundary can be set that the *new* couple cannot engage in the swinging stuff while they are out with you guys.

I *get* curtailing your involvement with them and high-tailing it out of there if/when you get uncomfortable, but I have 2 problems with that:
1) I think that would cause an issue between you and your SO since he doesn't seem to be on the same page as you; and
2) the group were *your* friends first. You shouldn't have to 'bail-out' on activities because of the new couple (on principle anyway.....).

Ashland13 posted 4/25/2014 20:51 PM

From your post it seems to me that the subject itself is a trigger for you, IDK but maybe that's what you were trying to convey?

Polygamy is not something I'm familiar with and would likely have a similar reaction. X in my case happily announced to some people that he and OW are joining this universe. She will be the living situation he needs -a house with a spouse to own-his possession-and she thinks she will keep him "happy and interested" in her by "letting him" do such things.

I share that because they remind me of the lady in your story, rn. I notice since I learned of x's behavior that I am oversensitive to the same stuff you brought up in your post. I try to read about it and want to understand, if I could, someday. And I've heard and read that people still cheat when they swing and can get just as hurt. Apparently there are rules people make up to do it.

And yes. The other posts about your So's reaction to the other couples and to you is a concern.

Sorry for long message.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:53 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

sparkysable posted 4/26/2014 07:31 AM

I wouldn't want anything to do with a guy who thought that was OK. It speaks volumes about his values
I totally agree. I would not be able to be with someone who was OK with the whole thing.

hurtbs posted 4/26/2014 08:14 AM

IMO - there is a *huge* difference between adultery and having an open marriage. What consenting adults choose to do is their own business. It sounds like they are both open and honest with one another.
Is this what I want for me? No, absolutely not. However, I also know that what is good for me is not good for others and vice versa. I do think that you are personalizing their behavior based on your own experiences. Try to distance yourself on this. Are you in IC? This can be a good place to discuss it.

jjct posted 4/26/2014 09:00 AM

I judge actions, not people.
There's a difference.
Being hung on the false hook of (not) being judge-y is a shallow ploy to get you to silence your discomfort, stuff your feelings.
It's moral relativism, slippery-slope stuff.

It's false. Don't accept false premises.

The other part of publicly 'announcing' sexual proclivities? I'm trying to recall the last time I, or any group of friends or associates did that...
I'm having trouble...maybe high school? "I like big boobs"-stuff, I don't know...
I don't know anyone that does that...and maybe that's 'just me', 'jj's world', yaknow?
I say she's hunting.

PurpleRose posted 4/26/2014 16:44 PM

The other part of publicly 'announcing' sexual proclivities? I'm trying to recall the last time I, or any group of friends or associates did that...
I'm having trouble...maybe high school? "I like big boobs"-stuff, I don't know...
I don't know anyone that does that...and maybe that's 'just me', 'jj's world', yaknow?

Well then I must live in 'jj's world' too because no one in my circle publicly announces that sort of oddity either....

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