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Unagie posted 4/21/2014 11:05 AM

Ok so I need opinions once more. I have asked this before but its in my head again. One of my best friends used to go out with this guy. The reason I met her was through this guy who was my friend originally. I flashed this guy a few times years ago, I already confessed this to xSO and BFF over a year ago when all my other confessions came out and bff didn't care. This guy and I have not been friends for years because he was a liar and said a lot of things for attention or sympathy. Now at the time we were friends all three of us had a mutual friend, lets call her Alice. Alice and the guy would go on trips without bff. Bff couldn't make it sometimes and other times the guy would tell bff too late for her to buy tickets and then lie to Alice and say she couldn't afford to go. Now after a couple of these trips guy would end up saying he performed oral sex on Alice. I was shocked because Alice was not that type of girl. I remained silent about it, unsure if it was the truth or if he thought by saying it I would do it too. This is when I began distancing myself. I havent seen Alice in years or the guy. I am however still so close to bff. When they broke up I found out bff knew he was cheating and that she had cheated too. He knows nothing of her cheating and she knows no details of his. She has said to me if anyone knows any details she doesn't want to know so I have remained quiet. She still speaks to Alice occasionally and Alice has confessed to kissing him once after bff and guy broke up.

I was very ashamed and tried breaking our friendship because of the flashing and she told me to not be stupid. My shame and remorse was enough for her and it happened 7-8 years ago so she forgave me and she thinks worse of him and still loves me. I am humbled by her gift every day. I am respecting her wishes and not telling her about Alice but there are times I wonder if the story is true or if he said it to see if it would convince me to do more. If anything it disgusted me and caused me to look at myself and my actions. Its strange to me that Alice was also so torn up about telling her about a kiss after they were broken up...wouldn't she have said then if more had happened? I know she could be minimizing yet the story was so unbelievable in the first place. So do I keep this information to myself as my bff has asked? She has grown so much since then and would rather just move on.

Jrazz posted 4/21/2014 11:43 AM

wouldn't she have said then if more had happened?

Um, no? People minimize like they're getting PAID to do it.

I had a bff in college whose boyfriend was cheating on her. How did I know? I was dating her boyfriend's brother. (Who was cheating on ME. That's a whole other thing.) I had actually witnessed her boyfriend leaving another woman's house one morning because we had to go pick him up!

My boyfriend had convinced me that he would talk his brother out of this crap and begged me not to tell my friend and "ruin" our 4-plex. I decided I couldn't hold onto the info and went to my friend, starting the conversation with, "I need to tell you something about 'J'..." and she cut me off and said that if he had anything going on she wanted to hear it from him and it was none of my business. I was shocked but scared to lose our friendship (of 5 years) so I just left it alone.

This, plus other little flags, pushed me and pushed me until I had to get out of everything. Broke up with BF and pretty much went NC with bff.

Years later, she married the guy and they have two sons, and I can see that they are both FB friends with the OW. Having distance from these relationships, I've realized that I can't be around people like that... the rugsweeping is almost more for me to bear than the cheaters. I like my reality REAL.

If your bff is no longer with this guy, it's pretty much a moot point. You had info, she declined it. If this dude were still in the picture I'd say that there's call for exorcising this, but it sounds like the rehashing is more for some guilt you're hanging onto than to fix something... if that makes sense. What I'm saying is, if the information you are holding is part of active deciet (pretending you don't know anything) then you need to come clean. If you have offered all you have at her convenince, it's up to her to take you up on it or move on. If she's learned to be healthier in her relationships, I would agree that she's growing up and moving on.

Unagie posted 4/21/2014 11:49 AM

JRazz its part guilt that I hung on to it and she knows I have info. She doesn't want it. I remember being in the car with her talking about it and I said her name and she said and if anyone knows anything g else I dont need or want to know it. So I stayed silent. She I'd growing and it took her so long to get to a good place. I think I need to just work through my guilt solo an let it go.

Jrazz posted 4/21/2014 12:29 PM

So is this guy permanently out of the picture? That is the ONE case scenario I can imagine where the info isn't going to do her any good. If someone had info on my exBF cheating on me I wouldn't want it at this point.

You know me, I'm all about shining the glaring, blinding light of truth on every damn thing. I just think that if he is gone-gone, then this isn't your burden to bear. As you mentioned, you don't even know if you have the whole truth or not. This is Alice & that's guy's garbage, not yours. You are prepared to tell her what you know. She's asked that you don't. It's an uncomfortable impasse but only you can decide what the right thing to do here is.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:35 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

Unagie posted 4/21/2014 13:26 PM

Yes he's gone they ended their friendship awhile ago. So I just have to learn to let it go.

Jrazz posted 4/21/2014 13:27 PM

That's rough. I would have trouble letting it go as well. That was a major factor that ultimately resulted in the end of my friendship.

Unagie posted 4/21/2014 13:50 PM

Yea usually im okay and then it rears its ugly head when I think of my own actions. I dont know more then the info he gave me the two times he spoke to me about it. I remember being disgusted (hypocrite I know) and thinking does he think if he says this it meanz were going to do that too? In my twisted wayward thinking I thought he must be nuts I would never do that!! I remember eventually coming to dread being around him solo. Found out after that he tried doing something with more then one of her friends. I truly hope he was lying again because Alice just really didn't respect cheaters as she had it happen to her.

Ok time to process and let it go. I need to, guy is not in my life or her life or even Alice's life anymore. I dont know anything past what he told me and im not positive he wasn't lying or exaggerating. She is finally at peace with his lies and bullshit and at peace with her cheating. I need to do the same....

Jrazz posted 4/22/2014 14:00 PM


Sorry if I took over your thread. We can pretend we're drinking coffee in a cafe and chatting...

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