SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't stop wondering where he is and what he's doing ever since he moved out last weekend. I'm not sleeping, eating, or functioning. He is just going out partying and getting stuff for his new apartment as if nothing major has just occurred.

I want things to be fair. I want him to admit to the affair first and foremost. I want an apology, a sincere one with feelings. I want him to suffer because I've done noting wrong but I'm the one that's life is turned upside down. I want to not care what he's up to. I want justice for his actions and I want him to feel the way I do.

I can't stop texting him mean things. I can't stop answering the phone when he calls me and acts like nothing is wrong. I hate him but I'm madly in love with him. Please help, I'm driving myself crazy!

Oh my god, I wish I had good advice, but I'm going through those swirling emotions as well! Although I'm maintaining No Contact finally because I realised he just made me 100 times worse

I want justice. I want remorse. I want him to CARE in the slightest that I'm on my own in HIS city with no friends or family and that he has just washed me out of his life for now. But I'll never get that. Ever. Because I can't control him.

Pick up either "Women Who Love Too Much" or "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" or both. Or variations. Read about codependency in some way. Figure out how to turn your actions inward.

I'm still reading, so I don't know how to do it yet. But I do know one things for sure is I've spent the past couple months OBSESSED with forcing him to see what he did and to take responsibility for his actions. I was OBSESSED ENTIRELY with everything HE'S going through and putting me through. And instead of asking myself how I'm doing or what *I* need to do for myself to get through this, I was only asking what I could do for him, or what he could do for me...

Stop. Breathe. REalise we can't control them. Think about yourself and what you can do for yourself only. Not what he can do for you, because I guarantee he won't do it any time soon.

We'll get there. I still don't know what to do! But I need to get myself under control immediately!

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 12:35 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

You want a lot of things you are not going to get.

You can stop. And you will.

When you're ready.

As fast as you can, as best you are able, go 180 degrees away from him and keep going.

You cannot control him and make him see the hurt. There is no chance of reconciling with someone who has no remorse and is in denial, or the "fog" as it is referred to on this website. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't get it. You can't put your life on hold waiting for that to happen. It is painful and it sucks. I hope you start taking care of yourself and letting go. It does get easier with time.

You CAN stop contacting him. You do have the choice. Find a healthy distraction when you have the urge to text. Don't jump on the phone when he calls. MAYBE, a very big MAYBE if you back off and detach, he will start to "get it" and make steps towards righting his wrong. MAYBE. But don't count on it.

(((Desirelily))) Please take care of YOU! You are worth it. Much love and luck to you.

You could not make him faithful to you. You don't have that power. You cannot make him see, feel, or acknowledge your pain. You don't have the power. You cannot make things fair. Life isn't fair or unfair, it just is, and you cannot make him be fair. There is a horribly crude saying that my family has the clean version is want in one hand and spit in the other, and see which hand fills up first.

The only power you have, is over yourself. What you do and what you do not do. You need to make a decision, every time the phone rings, to not answer it. You need to make a choice every time that you're tempted to contact him, that you will not. You need to choose to detach yourself from him, for your sake. Hard choices, but those are the only choices that you can control. (((hugs)))

You need to 180 for YOU. Here's how that works:

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

And here's a post on understanding the 180:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

And a collection of helpful posts for people new to all of this:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

You WILL survive this, even though I know it doesn't feel like that, right now. Hugs.

I know exactly what you are feeling. Trust me, I do.

I used to feel exactly like that, I used to pace back and forth in absolute turmoil.

I didn't listen to what anyone was telling me, "to focus on me" "that you can't control him, what he does, what he says or how he should feel" I didn't understand what those people were telling me. I always had an excuse. "but he.. But he"

It wasn't until I found SI after 1 year of LIMBO, that I really started to heal. I hate to say it, but you are soo lucky to have found this site so early on in your journey. Stick around, post often, read lots of posts here, you'll identify with lots of them, you'll read great advice.

But you CAN stop contacting him, you CAN not answer his calls. (I used to put the phone on silent in another room).

He moved out, so now it's a good time to start changing your bedroom, get new linens, new decorations, change the living room furniture around. Change anything you can, it will keep you busy, focused on something else.

You will get through this, you are stronger than you think. We are for you.

(((Desirelily)))

You can and must stop this.

Go NC.

turn off your phone. Delete his number. Focus your energy on you. Call a friend instead. Go for a run. Read on www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. Just do not fall into this cycle.

He has gone, and you are better off without him, so let him go. You can't control him, you can only control you.

You've gotten great advice here. I went through that too. I even had to teach myself to stop repeating his phone number in my head every time I was tired, sad or had one too many drinks. It's hard, but the longer you stay completely away from him the easier and easier it will get to not answer the phone or not call him. Just keep repeating your admission that you convinced yourself the relationship wasn't that bad. If you were doing all those wonderful things for him and he just walked away without a second thought, it was that bad.

My counselor told me to think of a boomerang. Every time I lashed out with mean texts or calls, it would come back to bite ME in the ass.

I would just end up feeling MORE hurt and angry and betrayed that he wasn't thinking about ME.

Damn right he wasn't thinking about me. It just took me awhile to realize this affair was all about HIM.

Try to think of the boomerang....it's not worth it to keep getting hit upside the heart and head for the temporary relief you feel when you do lash out.

It will get better with time. You sound like me, how I was just after my D day March 10th. Now that I am over 40 days out it does get better. My WH lives in a foreign country so I have little or no control over if he sees his HO worker. I only know that time has made it better. Just try to get busy with something, anything, keep yourself busy with friends as much as possible and it will help. Being busy (even though it has not solved the problem) has helped me cope with the initial shock of the situation.

I found it very helpful to put my phone on silent and leave it in the bedroom. You'll find you won't look at it for a few hours... Then half a day. It gets better.when you want to contact.. Try to do something else instead. Jump on here.. Post... Read... Do the 180

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and advise. It makes me feel so much better just knowing that most of you have felt the exact same way I do now. I am going to give myself small goals of time for NC until they turn into big goals of time. The idea of never speaking to him again is a little too overwhelming for me to handle right now.

I of course answered his call this morning as he joked about some painting that we were going to buy for "our house" and now he is considering it for his new apartment. Why he says these things to me is baffling. It's like he wants me to be happy for him of something. I lost it on him. I said he was a heartless, deceitful piece of shit that will never change and has no soul. I told him to stop calling me and tormenting me because it just ruins my day and more importantly my life. I later felt bad about the things I said because that's not the kind of person I am. I hate this back and forth emotional roller coast I'm on.

I need a break from him, from this situation, and my own thoughts.

Thank you all again for all the love and support.

When I JFO I clung to my WH like he was my oxygen. Hen I'd send him awful text messages. Then I'd beg him to hold me :/

It really is a crazy making time. I imagine the pain is so much worse with an u remorseful WH. It sounds to me like he is an all around jerk. It's sickening that he plays with your feelings that way.

((Hugs))

I am going to give myself small goals of time for NC until they turn into big goals of time.

This is a great place to start. You learn that being in touch only makes it worse, often through harsh lessons.

The trick is, it's okay to fall off the NC horse. Just make sure to get back on.

You'll get through this. He doesn't have control over you, nor will he ever. That unfortunately means that you have no control over him. You've got some really good input here on SI. My WW and I attempted R and it did not work. Now we are getting a D. I thought I was going to die and sometimes I still do, but I've begun to empower myself to not let her have that control over me. She is not vindictive or mean to me, but the harm that I was being inflicted with through her A and fog was painful.

I wanted to change her so badly. My IC used the metaphor of doing CPR on a dead body. It doesn't work, no matter how hard we try. Only the body can decide if it wants to come back to life. He has to make that choice now. That is NOT a reflection of you. It is a reflection of his own selfishness.

Just take care of yourself and find ways to relieve some of your stress.

Overall though...you are important...you are worth more...you deserve more. Begin trying to do the 180. It is hard as hell, but the more you do for yourself, the better you feel about yourself. Don't try and win him back. If he wants to come back, he will, but you have to be strong for yourself.