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User Topic: Am I crazy or is he not doing his part?
jadedheart
♀ 32046
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sorry for the long rambling post. I rarely post because I am a rambler and can't seem to cut it short, but I am in need of other opinions so here goes...

My husband is slipping into that angry and tired of discussing the A and any trouble I feel our M has state of mind. I told him I felt we had no intimacy or emotional connection on Saturday night.

**He said the same thing to me a couple of weeks before DDay. My response was "what can I do to help you feel more connected? How can we make our M better." then I proceeded to work my ass off to make things better, be a better wife, and still was working 60 hours a week on the night shift. He did nothing except continue the A and criticize my wife and mother skills.** I tell you this to help explain my frustration with what happened.

Back to my story, on Saturday night, he just got angry and defensive and said I was unreasonable. Then 10 minutes later denied ever saying that. He went on to say I was paranoid and too much on edge lately.
I tried to tell him how I felt, but he just sat there chewing on his lip and then HE STARTED DOZING OFF!! He did not reach out to me either physically or emotionally. He woke up enough to put his hands on his chest like he was having chest pain, went to take some meds, came back, put on his earphones and watched Billy Connelly on YouTube. How hurtful! He then got up and followed me to bed. I ignored him. He turned over to face my side of the bed where I was reading on my Kindle. He fell asleep in less than 2 minutes and began snoring loudly while blowing his breath directly across my face as I was trying to read. Then on Sunday he acts like everything is all hunky dory and there was never any discussion. When I am distant and doing a version of the 180, he acts like I am some evil bitch and tip toes around like I am a crazy woman. We went to my parents and I had a good visit with one of my brothers and his family. I ignored my H. He drove us there and our kids drove separately because they had other dinners to attend with their bf/gf. Our 11 year old rode with our 18 year old daughter to my parents. H drove my car and was silent the whole 35 mile drive. I drove back and he and the 11 year old slept the whole way home. It was a gorgeous day and I wanted to enjoy it but with him in my car I could not. We get home and I am still 180'ing. He asks is there something he can get for me? I say no. Then he asks if I am ok. I say I am fine. He says, "Well ooooookkkkk then." like I am a pouty child. I ask him what he meant thinking he is going to say something like you don't sound ok etc and with that opening I am going to ask him to talk with me about my unhappiness again. BUT NO, he says, "I mean if you don't want anything then I can't get you anything." and he walks away. Same thing later, I go to bed after getting DS to bed. He follows and falls directly asleep.

Here is the problem. He asks if I am ok but he really isn't interested in my answer. In his mind if he asks then he has done his part because listening to me, comforting me, or even heaven forbid trying to work with me isn't his responsibility. He sees himself as a person and he sees our family (the kids, me,him) as "us". What he doesn't see if the "we" of me and him. There is him, the family, and there is crazy bitch me out on the edge of reason somewhere.

I just want to ask him if he just wants to be "friends". OW was his "friend" and he was always concerned about her. The two times he broke NC he told me "she's my friend and I am concerned about her." Apparently wives do not deserve the same level on concern as a friend.

I am extremely angry and very hurt/lonely/bitter. I am certain he is not cheating again and he is doing great with everything except our M, which is a big deal to me. He is fully impotent now and that only increases my loneliness. I know I am emotional due to taking some hormones. I am having a procedure for in a couple of weeks and will be able to stop those pills then. I don't think I am unreasonable or off the edge. I think the hormone driven emotions are allowing me to vent out my feelings more freely than I would normally. I have decided to stick with the 180 for now. If he wants a M devoid of intimacy and emotional connection I will give it to him. In the meantime, I will continue to work on myself with IC, take care of my health, love and raise my kids, and make a plan in case of S or D. Financial issues are the biggest blocker of S/D and our DD is graduating from High School in May. I don't want to ruin it for her.

What do you think of these topics? Does your FWS/WS have any of these issues too? How do you cope if so? If I sound like a psycho, hormonal crazy woman then bring on the 2X4's. Anything is better than the place I am currently in.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was how my h behaved during False R. (He wasn't cheating the whole 4 years, but was still a Wayward, just on his best behavior. He never owned up to it, rugswept, and refused to address any issues)


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
jadedheart
♀ 32046
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

steadfast, thanks for the reply. I was thinking that about my H, not cheating but has fallen back into a wayward state of mind. I see you had a 2nd DDay. How soul destroying! It is my worst fear, but H knows that there will be no R or attempt at R if there is ever any kind of contact with OW or any potential OW including potential EA OW. I am so sorry you had to endure the false R. I pray that isn't the road I am on.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jaded honey how absolutely sure are you that he isn't cheating? Tht certainly sounds like wayward behavior. The anger. The halfhearted attempt to connect. All of it.

I would put a VAR in his car. Something is up. He either is seeking out ow or he is not willing to do the work of R. He is not remorseful in any way shape or form.

I get nOt wanting to upset the apple cart for your daughter. However you deserve more. Time to get it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd not be in R, had he not confessed. I saw the flags the day of his misdeeds. And I didn't even have the desire to confront, or even confirm... I was DONE. I had actually been done for a couple of months... I never even once imagined he would confess... He came home that evening a total mess... Throwing up, crying. Avoided me... He told me he got fired from his job! I knew he was lying. Not that i even cared. Then the next morning he got up and left as usual... And then, he called me... Sobbing. Told me he was on his way home... Walked in the door, and dropped EVERYTHING at my feet. I kicked him out. Went to work. That afternoon, I agreed to in house Separation until he got a place, or I did. That lasted a week.

That was almost 6 months ago. And... His remorse is huge. The hooker was rock bottom... He even blushes a sex scenes on TV, now. There are also STRICT conditions to R, now. One is that we will never be fully R. Divorce will never be off the table -it's become a permanent fucking centerpiece. Porn is a deal breaker. He starts down that road again... It's done.
And if I need to talk about the As we talk about the As. No ifs, ands, or buts, we talk when I need to talk... Even if it means he takes an extra 15 at work to call me. He has NO female friends. We have friends of the M, and that is it. He has few single friends, and there are friends from 6 months ago, who are also waywards, that he can't talk to anymore.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 4:16 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, he may not be cheating, but he really doesn't care about you. He is not concerned with your happiness. He is only concerned to the extent it effects HIM. In other words, he wants you to just be "okay" with everything and back to normal, but isn't willing to do anything to get you there.


I drove back and he and the 11 year old slept the whole way home. It was a gorgeous day and I wanted to enjoy it but with him in my car I could not. We get home and I am still 180'ing. He asks is there something he can get for me? I say no. Then he asks if I am ok. I say I am fine. He says, "Well ooooookkkkk then." like I am a pouty child. I ask him what he meant thinking he is going to say something like you don't sound ok etc and with that opening I am going to ask him to talk with me about my unhappiness again. BUT NO, he says, "I mean if you don't want anything then I can't get you anything." and he walks away. Same thing later, I go to bed after getting DS to bed. He follows and falls directly asleep.

Here is the problem. He asks if I am ok but he really isn't interested in my answer. In his mind if he asks then he has done his part because listening to me, comforting me, or even heaven forbid trying to work with me isn't his responsibility. He sees himself as a person and he sees our family (the kids, me,him) as "us". What he doesn't see if the "we" of me and him. There is him, the family, and there is crazy bitch me out on the edge of reason somewhere.

I think you are misinterpreting the 180. It seems you are VERY dependent on getting emotional support from him. The whole point of the 180 is to no need ANTYHING from your WS. It seems to me more like your version of the 180 is "give him the silent treatment in the hopes he will see I'm hurting and reach out to me". That is not going to work with a man like him, and is only going to make you more hurt and more lonely.

Being in the 180 means NOT CARING whether he comes or goes, not ignoring with the hopes he will feel bad and initiate communication, and being content WITH YOURSELF, regardless of what he is doing or saying.

Have you considered telling your children? It might provide a real consequence to him. He just doesn't get it, doesn't feel bad, and doesn't want to do any work that I can tell. He basically is perfectly content with you being in horrible pain, as long as it doesn't affect him.

How awful. I'd honestly revisit separation or some form of shock and awe at this point, b/c you just cant go on like this playing emotional warfare.

HUGS


Posts: 533 | Registered: Feb 2014
jadedheart
♀ 32046
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes you are right that I have tried to shock him into giving me an emotional response/support. I know that I haven't used the 180 in the correct fashion recently. I kept hoping that he would wake up out of his fog again. He did such a good job for a couple of years. I don't think he is cheating because he is with me all the time if he isn't at work. I check his phone even though he doesn't think I do. I check the phone records, bank account, and his email. I google search him occasionally to see if anything pops up. I check up on him as best I can and he is rarely not at home unless he is at work. However, I know that waywards are unpredictable so I will think about the VAR. I guess I am in desperate need of someone to lean on and I keep hoping he will man up and be it. Living with an ill spouse, in a sexless M, trying to R with an emotional devoid man is exhausting.

Regarding the 180...I decided yesterday to go back to it faithfully. I know I am playing the same game I played before his A. I told myself I wouldn't do it again and here I am. Emotional warfare...you are right that is what it is. It is time for me to stop I know. I will try to keep the peace until DD graduation is over, but I will not engage him again. If he wants anything more than a marriage devoid of emotional intimacy then he will have to come to me. I have tried to be supportive and understanding through all the crap. His health is a thorn in the side of the R. He stopped taking his prozac a few weeks ago. He just told me this last week. I know that is playing a part in his response as well. I said in a different thread last week, his illness is his mistress now. It is the main focus of his life.

There is no money for S/D. We are paying out all the extra for his medical bills and meds etc. The procedure I am having will just be an extra cost to the medical bill pile. For now I will just have to stay and try to work on finding some extra cash to hide away.

I am still thinking about how/if to tell the kids. I made a huge mistake in not telling them in the beginning. I have lost my credibility with them I think now, by leaving them in the dark. I know I will have to tell them soon. Quite frankly, it is my own fault for trying to protect them for the pain of knowing what their dad did. I didn't protect them...I only delayed the finding out. I feel like I have let them down by not being strong enough to hang in there. To be honest I thought he was going to die soon. The doctors told me to prepare for it and I made my decisions based on that. He is a physical mess tonight and is in bed with chest pain, dizziness, etc. I did ask if he wanted me to take him to the hospital but he declined. I didn't say anything else to him.

I appreciate the 2X4's. I need to take those comments and think about them. I will take all the wise words from those who are willing to give them.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he switched up one obsession with another. So maybe he isn't cheating still maybe he's just spiraled down into a new land of self obsession. So his illness is advanced and may not last a lot longer? That adds a new layer of complicated to things.
His stopping his meds and advancing disease seems like an act of self harm. Is he suicidal?

About telling the kids. I'm not so sure with a dying and sick dad telling them he's a cheater is a good idea especially if they are anything other than young adults. His cheating isn't their cross to bare. I mean it's ok to tell them that you two are no longer in love and are only staying together for convince.

Demand the respect you deserve. Fine you can't leave because of costs and finances. But you don't have to tolerate his disrespect. He gets his own bedroom and you yours.

(((and strength )))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
jadedheart
♀ 32046
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you Tush. What you said about the kids is exactly the reason I didn't tell them. It is my cross to bear and I didn't want them to remember their dad as a cheater. I don't know if he will live or die at this point, but you are right I need to take charge. I let myself spiral down too. I spiraled into this needy victim and I do NOT want to be that. As I read this thread I can see that is what I have become. Maybe a bit of hormonal drama queen has been added in for good measure. I think I just want him to say thanks for all the crap I have tried to put up with. His illness, the devastion of it on our finances, the loss of my dream home due to said finances, the A, the almost year of gaslighting, the loss of sex in my 40's, the loss of my self respect for staying with a man who betrayed me, the loss of my innocence...dear God I do sound like a whining victim. He has never said thank you to me for staying, for R'ing, for forgiving. That hurts and festers in the soul. There really isn't anyone I can vent to in my real life. I have tried to keep it to myself due to his illness. I feel like all I do is come to SI and whine whine whine. In real life I think people who know me would say I am outgoing, fun, smart, and one of the strongest people they know. I feel like a fraud when they tell me those things. Thanks for the posts guys. You are my only outlet.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
Sadmumma
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works similar hours to yours... I get that when they're home they're tired. But you know what.. The moron made time for an affair, he should be able to make time for his own family.

Honestly.. Not giving you and your M what it needs does not constitute doing "all the right things". It sounds as if he's emotionally checked out. (Sorry). And that he doesn't really want to "do the work".

I too tolerated so mucin the M that when the moron asked me "how was your day" I thought that was a big deal... That's how little I got.

Your H should be reaching out to you rather than reacting to your mood.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes the 180 can be about finding your own "mistress". In other wirds, find something outside of him tbat makes you happy, consumes your time, and fulfills you. Ie a hobby, a goal, new friends, a gym, a goal, a job, etc etc. Its not about the silent treatment. Its about being "ok" without him.

I feel your frustration vividly. Its really frustrating to want support, understanding and intimacy from someone and not get it. But you just cannot force him to give you it, when he isnt interested or able.


Posts: 533 | Registered: Feb 2014
jadedheart
♀ 32046
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree that the problem may very well be he isn't able to give me what I need. If his health improves will he be able to then? Idk...but I am not all that confident he would be.

You are right about finding something for myself. I did that before DDay. I started taking care of myself again...that was followed by my discovery that he had checking out and was having the A. I know it was not my fault and it is all on him. It has been a fear thing that has kept me from getting back on the "taking care of jadedheart" wagon. I started the process around March 1st again and plan to continue with it. I am eating right/exercising and losing weight, wearing makeup, taking care of me physically by having the procedure I put off due to the cost (uterine ablation to stop the horrific periods I have had for about a year now).

I kept the pain of losing sex to myself because he was already distraught about his ED. I think I am having some backlash bitterness about that too. I like sex and I miss it, but mostly I miss being held and loved.

Thanks again for the posts. I am soaking it up.

edited to add: the comment about how a simple "How was your day?" can make you feel like you won the lottery is spot on. I am like a starving dog begging for scraps. I really can't believe how pathetic I have become. Posting here is opening my eyes to some new thoughts and they are making me angry at myself. I changed my tagline today to the reaction quote. I need to start living it.

[This message edited by jadedheart at 7:33 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
determinata
42124
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi @jadedheart,
I am so sorry for your pain. Big hugs to you. I want to join that unhappy chorus of people saying that it does not sound as though he is in R. It does sound like he is having an EA or PA of some sort. My story is that I am separated from my sex addict WH (SAWH) who was in false R for about 6 years.

"Impotence"? He was having 2-3 orgasms a day by himself or with others.

Blushing when sex is on television? A vain attempt to distract from his high degree of over excitement about what is happening on the screen. In truth, he was mentally bookmarking the images to use as mastubatory material later while trying to put up a good front for me.

Falling asleep during conversations in which I was emotional? Boredom because he lacks empathy and really doesn't give a crap. Also way of suppressing anger.

These are my experiences and I'm not saying your husband is the same but I want you to be aware and safe. Please protect your physical, emotional and financial health because you cannot control him and it sounds as though he is not taking responsibility for his actions.

And a word about illness. I know you said you don't know whether he will live or die.

He will die.

And you will die.

And neither of knows when or why you are going to die, but you both will. We all will. You are going to have to decide what you want to do with however much time is left in YOUR life. Because he's making decisions daily about what to do with the time left in his. The kids certainly don't need to know everything but please cherish your days and live your life as well as you can. Don't feel beholden to his outrage and his anger just because he's physically ill.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
jadedheart
♀ 32046
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you determinata for the reminder about my own mortality. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. I will think on that awhile. I need to quit wallowing in my own version of self pity and martyrdom. I needed the gentle 2X4's to get out of the rut I am in.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 4 years my husband was a dry cheater.

OMG, determinata. THAT! He told me he was having issues getting it up... Yeah, because you've already masturbated idiot! As for his new found modesty. I am pretty sure it's due to shame over his own actions combined with worry that I will trigger. I do worry if it's too graphic, or whatever, that he will relapse to the multiple porn/fap sessions of 6 months ago.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:48 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 15

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