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Sould I be upset?

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99lawdog99 posted 4/21/2014 12:32 PM

Today is a real bad day for me but not sure if I should be upset. You can read my story in the profile section, but the 2 minute version is that my wife of 27 years decided she had to have a sexual fling with a younger guy who was a drug user, had no job and lived with his mother. She always claimed he was just a friend and when it hit the fan, she ended it with him immediately. She did tell him she loved him but said she was out of her mind. it has been hard for me and he has tried to contact her a few times with burn phones and she has told me everything. We changed her cell number so he has no way of reaching out to her. According to her, she now hates him and says he is dead to her.

Well today I just saw that he created a facebook page and made references to how nurses do it better and how he only dates other mens girlfriends. I also saw what he look like for the first time and he looks like something out of the walking dead, bald and ugly. The reason I saw this is that her niece is related to his cousin so they are friends and we see his post. For some reason I actually got sick thinking that was who she claimed she was so in love with and ready to leave me for. He never had a facebook page before and just created it april 4th. That was a few weeks after we changed her phone number. I'm assuming he tried to call it and got the no longer in use message. He hasn't tried to contact her since making the page, but his post seem directed at us. As soon as I told my wife, she told me to deactivate her account. She wants nothing to do with him. While I am freaking out mostly because of how low she sunk with that POS, she wants nothing to do with it, doesn't care what he posted and just wants off of facebook. She said if he is on there, she's gone. SHe never really used it anyway.

So we are both off facebook and she just doesn't even want to talk about it. I told her it seems as if he wants her to see things and she jsut doesn't care. she just wanted off. She doesn't even want to discuss it saying she doesn't care what he post or what he does, she is done with him and I should not care either.

Should I just drop it and why does it bother me so much. It just seems like a slap in the face to me especially that comment about only dating other guys girlfriends. I told her that and she said he's a scum and she doesn't care what he does as long as he leaves her alone.

Why does it feel I fell back to step one when we were doing so well.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 12:35 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

norabird posted 4/21/2014 12:42 PM

Is your WW trying to rugsweep? Or is she just saying she doesn't want to address his creating the FB profile? Since she deactivated her account, I think that's a good sign that she wants to focus on your M and R. And I would caution against obsessing about the OM on your part--if she's really NC, he is irrelevant. But I hope she is allowing you to discuss the A generally.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/21/2014 12:43 PM

It feels like a step back because her reaction is only partially correct. Yes she is running in the other direction when her AP is maybe trying to step into the picture. But more importantly she is not turning towards you for support or to ask you how you feel and/or comforting you to see if you are ok. It feels and sounds like she is trying to rugsweep. I get that she doesn't even want to acknowledge his existence, but the other side of the equation is you. It hurts because she is not turning towards you to discuss, which can be an M problem. You don't get anything you need out of this scenario. Have you tried being open with her about how her reaction makes you feel?

Breezy150 posted 4/21/2014 12:44 PM

The best thing to remember here is that you and your W can't control what he does, your wife can only control what she does. It sounds like she is doing things right. She is maintaining no contact and has told you when he tried to contact her.

Now is the time to concentrate on you and what you want. As long as you are giving him space in your head you are giving him the power. Take that power away, he is nothing to you. Spend that time on healing yourself.

Best of luck and (((hugs)))

99lawdog99 posted 4/21/2014 12:57 PM

thanks but I should clarify that she has been really open lately. Just this weekend we discussed things she never did before and she was really loving. I can't say she is even rug sweeping. Her position is that he is so irrelevant to her, she doesn't care what he does. The problem is me. For some reason it really hit me hard. I finally got to put a face to the act and it wasn't pretty. I think I took a hit to my ego. How can she do that with him. It was really way below her league and not to sound ilike I am bragging but I feel she went well below what she had. I don't understand that. I feel like if I am a 7 , he is a 2. and she was ready to leave me for him. I also feel like the worst thing that I could of done is let her go with him but I didn't. I have to say she is handling it good by saying he is so irrelevant that it doesn't concern her.

99lawdog99 posted 4/21/2014 13:00 PM

Thanks Breezy and all the rest. That's exactly what she told me. She said I am giving him too much of us by thinking about him. I should not even care what he does as I or she has no control over him. I must admit, she couldn't care less about what he does and did tell me that the only thing that is bothering her is that it is bothering me and wants me to forget about him as he is scum, as she put it. Thanks all for letting me vent. Everyones advice is greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 1:06 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

heartbroken2012 posted 4/21/2014 13:24 PM

I understand what you are going for in that we dont understand WHY?! they picked the AP?

My WH went for a lady that was 12 years older than me, not very intelligent, white trash, and badly dyed blond hair.

Not that I am a supermodel...but seriously WTF?!

99lawdog99 posted 4/21/2014 13:33 PM

Thanks Heartbroken. It some sick way, I knew he was nothing great from what other people told me but for some reason, actually seeing how bad he was and remembering her telling me that he was good looking drives me nuts. I wonder if I would feel better if he was better loking than me. Probably not but I know I'm the one that is driving myself nuts. I guess it is a good sign that while she is willing to talk about it, she really seems totally disinterested in that he created a facebook page and really could care less. Why do I care. I have to stop.
Thanks all.

Ostrich80 posted 4/21/2014 13:58 PM

She's ashamed and embarrassed I'm sure so deactivating is a good sign that she knows she messed up bad. You on the other hand, even though you know you shoulnt give him head space, its still feels like he's taunting you guys. I know its hard not to look but its just going to make you mad. He sounds like a freakin punk. Hopefully he will direct his attention in another direction and grow tired of not getting a reaction. The way he advertiss his desire for other men's, women is prob gonna get his ass kicked one day. He will get his soon enough.

99lawdog99 posted 4/22/2014 13:13 PM

Thanks Ostrich80, you and everyone else are so right. She keeps telling me I am letting him continue to get to me and she and you are right. And he is a punk who if it wasn't illegal , would not be walking around anymore. The one thing that is helping is that I am showing his picture to various woman and asking what they think and everyone just looks at me and says the same thing, "He's ugly, what the hell was she thinking" That helps, I don't know why but it does. One of my clients even looked at me and said why would she trade down from a 9 to a 1? I just smiled and thanked her. She said there is nothing to thank her for, your wife is nuts.

Anyway, it seems clear to me that since he couldn't call her anymore, he had to go on facebook becaue he knew she was on there. I think it sent him a good message that she deactivated her account once she knew he was there. It was obvious he was hoping she would see it and react as she is a nurse and he posted a picture of a guy wearing a shirt that said "Nurses' do it better" and he added the comment, " the shirt says it all." The day I find out I have only so long to live is the day I will deal with everything. Thanks again

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