Except for my self-loathing. I berate myself every day for what I did. I tell myself I don't deserve him (and I really don't). I get mired in thoughts of what a horrible person I am. I know this is unhealthy and counterproductive, but it's hard to rid myself of these thoughts... any ideas or advice?
(Edited to add: I spent a lot of time in IC, and really got to the root of my issues, but I can't afford to go back again right now. Plus, what can she tell me to do, besides "Stop?" Easier said than done).
(Edited again to add: I see that there's a thread on Wayward dealing with this very topic! I'll start by reading that... )
Anyway, thank you...
[This message edited by AchillesHealed at 12:41 PM, April 21st (Monday)]
I'm in the very early stages of this (6 months in after ending A).
I think I've had a recent breakthrough...I'm sure there will be more to come. I also am having a difficult time forgiving myself. My wife has forgiven me and I really do believe her. She's loving and kind and affectionate and really seems happy that we are working on our marriage - as am I.
I've come to realize that my thinking right now that I don't deserve her is not a new thought for me. I know for sure that I never really believed I was good enough for her. I didn't realize this until I shared this with her recently. How sad that I've been with this woman for 18 years and I'm just now realizing through a hideous affair that I never believed I was good enough for her or deserved to be loved by someone so wonderful.
Maybe you do deserve him. In fact, I'm sure you do. If he is willing to stay with you and love you through it, shouldn't you?
I am taking my own advice here. We need to love ourselves first before others can really love us or before we let anyone really love us.
Be kind and loving to yourself. I have to constantly remind myself to treat myself like I would my best friend. What would I tell my best friend if she were in this situation? I wouldn't tell her she was a POS. I would tell her to let go of what no longer serves her good. I would tell her she's worthy of love and forgiveness. I would tell her to do her best everyday moving forward and that she can't change what she did, but she can make each new day better. Start today as a new day.
What advice would you tell your best friend?
I spent a lot of time in IC, and really got to the root of my issues, but I can't afford to go back again right now. Plus, what can she tell me to do, besides "Stop?"
Misses, I did a lot of hard work in IC, and yes, most of it dealt with childhood issues. For one thing, my father has always been extremely inappropriate with me, beginning at a very young age, and I have cut off all contact with him--an act I felt I needed to take in order to rid myself of "faulty" hard-wiring, for lack of a better description. I actually wrote him a letter detailing all of his offenses, which was hugely cathartic and healthy for me.
At the same time, I realized (and I know this sounds horrible) that a part of me resented my husband because nothing really bad ever happened to him (until my affair). So in the early days after D Day, I would find myself thinking, "How lucky you are that you grew up in such a loving and safe environment; how nice it must be to have nothing dark lurking inside you; how privileged you are to have no broken pieces." I never said anything like that to him, but I did think it--which only eventually made me feel worse. The upside of all of that therapy was that I now know enough--about both myself and my marriage--that I'll never betray it again.
As for keeping the thoughts at bay, the only things I can do are to continue being honest and transparent. One day at a time, I guess, but it's been more than two years since D Day and I thought (hoped) I might feel better about myself by now...
[This message edited by AchillesHealed at 2:47 PM, April 21st (Monday)]
but it's been more than two years since D Day and I thought (hoped) I might feel better about myself by now...
[This message edited by MissesJai at 2:54 PM, April 21st (Monday)]
What have you done in those 2 years to work on your opinion of yourself?
Well, I've taken actions to change myself, but somehow that doesn't automatically equate to changing my opinion of myself. Short of staring into a mirror, Stuart Smalley-style (showing my age!) and repeating that I'm "good enough," I don't know quite what to do.
I've taken actions to change myself, but somehow that doesn't automatically equate to changing my opinion of myself
repeating that I'm "good enough," I don't know quite what to do.
Take small steps. Dont try to forgive it all as one big act. Take each act building up to it and deal with it. Focus on each one at a time and slowly but surely you'll get there.
T/J missesjai I am not, not forgiving myself. I seem to have hit an impasse where my self worth is not all that high. I work on myself but find it difficult to like me. Part of me is what I did and I dont like that part. Actually I hate that part. Its hard to like yourself and forgive when you partially hate yourself.
Unagie--advice for both of us: We are more than the sum of our past mistakes.