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slowdance posted 4/21/2014 12:47 PM

[This message edited by slowdance at 12:45 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 4/21/2014 13:01 PM


Of course love is worth saving. But it can't always be saved. The trick is figuring out where your situation falls. That usually takes time. You have a good foundation in that your WH left the job and cut off contact; if he is willing to pull his weight in fixing your issues and helping you heal, it is certainly worth trying. You can't make someone be capable of that, but if you have it, R can certainly be possible. It is hard work but can be done.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 4/21/2014 13:09 PM

I agree its a good sign he quit his job and cut off contact.

However, I think you are overly focused on blaming her. You said "for some reason he kept going back". Well, the reason is because he 100% wanted to. As harsh as that is, please realize he is a grown man and is 100% responsible for his choices. Sure, she may have been aggreessive (maybe, maybe not?) but he was not some hapless victim here.

Keep in mind, his story is made to put him in the best light, so OF COURSE he will say it was just BJs, that she pursued him, that he didn't even like her, etc etc. But he did like her and he chose to be intimate with her.

Nevertheless, he seems remorseful. Are you watching his phone, computer activity, etc to make sure there is no contact with her or any other women?

Consider sending a letter to her stating to not contact you anymore via email, or consider changing your email address.

Good luck.

slowdance posted 4/21/2014 13:21 PM

I completely know he is not innocent in this one. It takes two to slow dance and he obviously was the ultimate decision maker. He could have pushed her away over n over and told me but truth is he didn't. She actually confirmed with me she approached him and it was exactly what he confessed. But she seemed so hurt that he didn't leave me..., I guess I may never know the complete truth.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 4/21/2014 13:35 PM

She actually confirmed with me she approached him and it was exactly what he confessed. But she seemed so hurt that he didn't leave me..., I guess I may never know the complete truth.

This is whats so awful about lying cheaters, you just never know what to believe. I mean, if their stories matched exactly, my instinct might be: well, maybe he told her what to say if approached by you, and she went along with it in the hopes of pleasing him so he'd leave." I mean. Point being, that's what sucks about cheating, is you just NEVER know what to believe.

The good news is he is not in contact with her and not working with her, and seems committed to you.

I would say those things along would make R worth a shot, but always verify and keep your eyes very open.

slowdance posted 4/21/2014 13:48 PM

I thought of that too. If I keep thinking and seeking for more I will go crazy. So bottom line he cheated n now I have to make a decision. Trust will always be an issue. I feel like a fool sometimes choosing to move forward but I love him. I truly feel he made a mistake and regrets it completely. I thought I would feel better here but I'm not.

annb posted 4/22/2014 07:57 AM

Hi, slowdance, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

A positive sign is your husband is admitting his bad choices. The thing I always worry about is cheater's lie, and you may not have the full extent of the story. When you meet someone at a hotel, I would assume it was for sex. I might be wrong, but too many of us here have heard so much bullsh*t cockamamie stories that our heads could explode.

Have you checked out the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Great resource for newbies.

Keep in mind his actions have NOTHING to do with you.

Please make an appt. with your physician, both of you need to get tested for STDS. If you need temporary medications to cope, discuss with your doctor as well. Are you in individual counseling?

Hopefully your husband is an open book as your trust is gone, he needs to do everything in his power to earn it back. It will take years, unfortunately.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/22/2014 08:26 AM

Annb is right on the nose.

The watered down story you got - designed to make your husband look like the innocent, happless lamb who was led to slaughter and had no clue he was being manipulated and tricked into this evil OW's web - sounds like EVERY story I read here. I'm sorry Annb, but his story sounds like every cheating husband's story about evil, predatory women putting a spell on them while they continued to try to keep their honor.

It just doesn't make sense that this woman begged your husband to LET her give him oral sex while he fought her all the way about it. Especially when he really doesn't get oral sex at home (according to your post).

Guard your heart. You haven't nearly heard the real story - or ALL of it. It sounds as though she agreed to take the blame for everything that happened between them (I'm sure they rehearsed their story together before she talked to you) because her loyalty STILL lies with him. Stupid, desperate women will do anything for their 'soulmate,' including lying to his wife in some misguided attempt to show loyalty to him. Pffft.

Get tested for STDs because the chances are extremely likely it was a hell of a lot more than just a one time thing of 'forced' oral sex on him.

Sad to say, you read enough stories around here on SI over the years and they all sound the same after a while. Your husband's story pretty much sounds like every other husband's story about how they were innocently led to slaughter without even realizing it.

Good luck to you.

1Faith posted 4/22/2014 09:46 AM

Dear Slow Dance

So sorry you find yourself here. It is a horrible place to find yourself. Please know we have all been there and we want to help you any way we can.

but can I get pass it?

IMO, I don't know if you get past it but in my case I started to accept it. It, the A, was something that happened. Something I wished wouldn't have happened. Something I would and I know my FWH would change in a heart beat but sadly we cannot turn back the hands of time.

This is still very new and raw for you. You are hurt and your feelings of love, hate, hope, disdain, confusion are all part of the emotional rollercoaster ride. Doesn't make it any easier, but it is all normal. You have to feel everything in order to process and begin to heal.

Is love worth saving?

Two people can make anything work if they both work at it and both are open and honest with one another. I truly believe that.

It sounds as if your WH is remorseful. That is good. Is he in IC? Are you? He needs to understand why he allowed himself to cheat. Yes, she may have been the instigator but he consciously made the choice to cheat. He did. He owed you faithfulness, she owed you nothing.

Through time and his actions you will start to see if trust is possible. It is a long road.

On average 2-5 years to heal but you can make it.

Good luck. Post often.

PRNDL posted 4/22/2014 10:48 AM

Im sorry he did this to you.

I feel that there is hope. He completed the first three steps. He came clean, admitted he was wrong, and cut off all contact.
I recommend MC for the communication issue.

Does he blame you?

My worries are as follows:
Be careful of TT please. What was 8 weeks of BJ's could have been 6 months of sex.
Now you know he has the capability of cheating. Sometimes past behavior predicts future behavior, so just be careful.

Get STD tested.

Its very early to decide. I don't feel you should 180D him or anything like that. Seems he just wanted one thing out of her and there is not much of a fog at all.

Hang in there, keep an eye on him, keep us posted, and good luck.

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