SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Yesterday I had posted about my inability to decide between confession, or keeping my ONS a secret.
Thanks to some amazing people and great advice, I've decided the best course of action is to confess. So that if our relationship does continue, it can be based on trust and honesty.
Now, I am aware that he will be deeply hurt when I tell him, and I know I will have to accept that he needs time, which is completely understandable, I would too.
But what exactly do I tell him? Are there things I shouldn't tell him, or maybe wait to tell him after he has had a chance to digest the news? Are there any things I could say or do to ease his pain, and convince him I am truly sorry for my actions?

Background information:
I am 20, he is 22, have been dating for 3.5 years. This is our first year in a LDR. I was drunk, lonely and stressed when I committed the act. I love this man more then love itself. We had plans to get married when I was out of school (2-3 more years)

Also, don't know if this is important or not, but up until my ONS he was the only guy I'd ever been with.

Here's my question.

If the roles were reversed, would you want to know?

If he was sitting in your shoes full of remorse, full of regret would you want to know?

If he told you, would your feelings for him change?

I'm not trying to sway you one way or another. I agree that honesty is more times than not the best policy, but you are 20 and you are not married to him yet...

Can this just be a learning experience for you? Only you know what you can live with and cannot.

If you are going with disclosure, tell him the truth. Then follow his lead.

I wish you luck. Be gentle with yourself.

Good for you for getting ready to confess. The fact that he didn't catch you will hopefully go a long way to building trust.

I say write yourself a completely detailed timeline. Date, times, thoughts, activities surrounding the PA, details of the sex. EVERYTHING everything. This way you will have a map as he processes and asks questions. Sometimes in the heat of the moment panic can cause us to fib or forget details. This behavior is a HUGE impediment to R.

Start with the bare-bones truth, and tell him that you are willing to answer any and all questions he might have.

Brace yourself for him to rage, cry, beg, hate you..... all these things are likely going to happen. It's going to be really raw for a while. Try to have compassion for him and know that as long as you are completely honest and completely remorseful, you can help him through this tidal wave of emotion.

Thank you for your replies.
brokeback, do you truly believe I should keep this a secret? as much as it might hurt him, if our relationship is one of love and trust and honesty, then I have to tell him. I could not live with myself if, 10 years down the road, he found out. What then would he say? How does he know I haven't done it since, because I kept it from him? I can't live with that deceit. Yes he will be hurt, and mad. But it's better that he know...

Jrazz, thank you. I have written out my thoughts multiple times about what happened that night. I plan to go for a drive so we can be alone, and discuss it, I understand that he may need time, in which case I'm prepared to drive him home and find some place else to spend a few nights.
I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

Hey, there was a thread about confession that She-Ra wrote. I'll try to find it and bump it for you.

I am a BS.

In my situation, I had to drag it out of him, piece by piece. It hurt almost as much as the fact that he betrayed me, that he would keep details from me. It felt like he was still lying to me the whole time.

Since you have decided to confess, be gentle. Be honest. DO NOT try and justify it with the line "I was drunk" because that won't matter. Also avoid the line "It didn't mean anything."

Basically, I would give him the run down of the incident. You don't have to go into the gritty details all at once. Let him know what happened and that you felt he should know. Do not try and talk about your feelings right away. That won't help him and likely just make him feel worse.

After you give him the chain of events, let him guide it from there. If he wants more details, let him ask and answer him without hesitation. Make sure he knows that you will be completely transparent and let him have access to whatever he wants (this includes your phone, email, etc).

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out for the two of you in the end so that you are both happy.

I was not suggesting you keep it a secret. That's not for me to decide. Only you know what's best for you and what you can live with and how you want your relationship to be.

I was pointing out that you are only 20, not married, was drunk and clearly didn't set out to "have an affair."

If you think it's best in this situation to tell him, tell him.

If you lose him because of it, you will learn some valuable, painful lessons.

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out the way it is meant to.

I'm a very recent BS. Probably too recent to be in the Wayward Forum, but my need to try to understand has brought me here. IMHO, it is the only choice to confess. The sooner, the better. Especially if this is a relationship you see ending in marriage. I personally would hate to be in a marriage with such deception, as either the WS or BS. Getting caught or carrying on the betrayal by lying will do more damage than the ONS. You seem like a sweet girl whose guilt is palpable in your post. If you can suppress your guilt now, will you be able to do so forever? When you can't bear to live with this lie any longer, and you do confess, your BS will backtrack back to the night of the affair, and everything that follows will feel like a lie. The one thing I would stress is that if you are going to confess, be 100% invested in it as a means to end the hurt of your BS and repair the relationship. Do not, even subversively, take it as an opportunity to purge your sins and appease your guilt. As others are saying, trickle-truth is the acid in the wound. Be prepared to divulge everything, in one fell swoop, and let your BS know that you are willing to answer any questions he asks (even skin-crawling details) with full honesty - and mean it. Try your best to hold back on your reasons - they'll just sound like excuses and minimization. Stay as focused as possible on his feelings, and not yours. Frankly, at that point, he really doesn't care. He's simply trying to breathe and slow his racing thoughts and emotions. Finally, a personal point of contention for me, try not to jam down his throat what a wonderful and devoted girlfriend you were before this. It's a logical loop for him - if you were such a girlfriend, how could you do this? In time, he will realize this on his own. You sound truly remorseful and that should help him feel safe. Make sure to back up your heartfelt words with action. Whatever it takes to make him feel more safe - make an appointment for couples counselling, give him all passwords. He's questioning everything you say at this point, so he needs to see that you mean it. I truly hope it works out for you.

I appreciate the response, devastated23. my plan is to simply tell him I cheated, and then tell him I will answer any and all questions. Including when, where, why, etc. I don't plan on saying more then what he asks, as I am aware it will be very over barring during the time if I start giving him details and information he does not want.
Its going to be difficult, but if I know our love, which I think I do, I have hopes for him forgiving me and us moving on to a happier healthier relationship.

I was pointing out that you are only 20, not married, was drunk and clearly didn't set out to "have an affair."

I was drunk 21-22 and flashed another guy. Kept it from him for years and it tore him apart when that came out along with my A confession.

He was 22 and I was 21 when he fell in love with a mutual friend. I just found out recently he had fallen for her. 8 years later I found out. I was in the fetal position feeling like her had literally stabbed me in the heart.

We have both said had we confessed then maybe we would have broken up or maybe we could have remained together but either way we would be better off. HGF I commend you for taking this step not just for him but for you.

"Also, don't know if this is important or not, but up until my ONS he was the only guy I'd ever been with."

I am sorry to say, this is very, very important. He had something very special you had given him, and you have revoked that gift forever. I wish you well and commend you for honoring yourself by seeking integrity. But truth compels me to tell you flat out that this is going to add a whole extra layer of suck for him. You should be prepared to acknowledge and validate the magnitude of this loss for him.

I've got to admit, I was a little stunned you weren't sure it was all that important. I am glad you mentioned it so we could give you fair warningthat it is.

Thank you Owl6118
After righting that I did realize how much of a big deal that it was. He had a very special piece of me, one that I have willingly given another. I know it is going to hurt him deeply, but as I said, I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive my horrible actions.

I hope so, too.

I wish I acted on my guilt the way you did, HG. Kudos to you for this.

My boyfriend was also my first and was going to be my only until I chose to have an emotional affair and then making it a physical affair.

It's tearing my bf to pieces...it's been almost 3 weeks and he's still unsure. I wish I had only a few details to share like you will (actually I wish, and I'm sure a lot of people here as well, that I didn't make those choices in the first place).

He's still trying to process things and have said to me it isn't the physical stuff that hurts him most, it was my ability to lie to him throughout that disgusts him.

I wish you the best. I'm hoping he'll give me another chance and I'm hoping your boyfriend will too.

I will have to accept that he needs time

What you really need to accept, before your confession, is the fact that he may end the relationship because of your ONS.

I may be parsing semantics here, but your statement kind of implies that you expect that the ONS is not a deal-breaker for him and that you are *willing* to give him time to come to terms with it.

Confessing with the expectation that the relationship will continue after you offer your 'mea culpas' may not be a very well received action. This situation needs to be approached with utmost humility and a "die on your sword" attitude.

As Dr. Phil says (paraphrased because I can't remember his exact words).....when you take the action, you accept the consequence.

My suggestion to you: confess in a face-to-face meeting....and do NOT wait until the last minute. No *doorknob* confessions. Go to see him and open the conversation with "I have to tell you something and it is something that is extremely unpleasant." Then tell him that you have been with someone else. If the 2 of you were your *onlies*, then re-read Ostrich's post because it is totally relevant. If you were not your BF's *only*, I have no idea how that scenario plays out.

Also, have an *action* list. The ONS occurred while you were drinking. So, perhaps, decide that you will no longer go to bars or drink in the presence of other men unless your BF is with you. You said that it happened because you were *lonely*. Come up with a list of *safe* activities that you can involve yourself in so that you aren't tempted to deal with your loneliness in unhealthy ways. Right now, schedule and begin attending IC to ensure that you are armed with a 'healthy' outlook and to learn 'healthy' ways to deal with difficult situations that don't involve hurting the people that you care about.

So. Attack your *action list* now. Go to see your BF and let him know what happened and the steps that you have put into place to ensure that this behavior will NOT happen again. Just saying "I'm sorry, I messed up, it won't happen again" isn't enough. Fall on your sword and accept that if he chooses to continue your relationship he is showing you an enormous amount of faith.

i applaud your honesty in deciding to tell your boyfriend and second your opinion that you tell him in person.

if you dont tell your entire relationship forward is built and predicated upon a lie, a shaky foundation indeed even if your infidelity is never discovered. however, it usually is at some point. failure to have disclosed will carry much more serious ramifications then. failure to tell is another way of demonstrating that he isnt significant enough to you for him to deserve the truth. finally, not telling says you ARE "that person" - the one you dont want to be.

telling him in person demonstrates two things. that you want to be honest and that you value him, you could have taken the easier (and cowards way outs) of texting or concealment.

many betrayed people have to dig the truth out. its like pulling a tooth with the unfaithful one protecting each kernal of truth as if it were the most precious thing possible and refusing to share it. that you are doing so voluntarily, despite the "this sucks" nature of the news ... is BIG.

i would echo the suggestion that you dont wait until hours or days after being with him. tell him immediately. otherwise it will seem you were "hiding it". give him forewarning "i have something unpleasant to tell you".

dont minimize what you did.
- you knew going out feeling the way you did was a mistake. you did it anyway.
- you knew getting drunk was a bad idea. you did it anyway.
- you knew flirting back and forth with the guy was a mistake. you did it anyway.
- you knew leaving with the guy was a mistake. you did it anyway.
- you knew going to wherever with this guy was a mistake. you did it anyway.
etc,etc. there was a huge list of things you did that you might not have known the final destination of where each step was leading you but you did know they were wrong. confess each step. tr

dont tell more truth than he wants. saying you had sex with someone else is sufficient to let him know what happened. if he wants more details he will ask. if he asks, tell. but dont volunteer them because each person is different in what exactly they want to know.

be prepared for him to be devastated. be prepared to step up and try to help him. be prepared for his anger and dont let it get you angry.

Hello again!

First of all, I'd consider telling him right now over skype. I'm not sure though, I hope others will chime in. On one hand, I can understand why something like this is better said in person, however, on the other hand I feel like I would rather know 5 days earlier and told over skype/phone than told 5 days later in person. And in some ways, I guess I imagine it would have been easier to control myself or feel safe if I got told via skype, because I wouldn't be able to act on my urge to hug her etc., I would be able to just click skype away if I didn't want to talk to her at that moment anymore, I wouldn't have to wait until she/I drove home to get to a safe place etc.

Furthermore, if you do tell him in person, try to do it somewhere where neither of you will have to drive afterwards (you mentioned telling him in a car) – this can be very stressful, you both will probably be crying and shakend and shocked, and in no condition to drive. Rather meet up with him close to his home/some safe place for him, go for a walk and tell him. After you're done, have the option of taking some sort of public transport or money for a taxi to get home.

As to what to tell him (maybe also write them down, so if things get too rough, you can read it or give it to him to read) – some things I wish I had heard (and she'd mean) were:
1. I'm so incredibly sorry, but I cheated on you on Monday or whatever day it was.
2. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm truly sorry and really love you and want to spend my life with you
3. It wasn't your fault at all, it was just my stupid, selfish and horrible decision which I'll never do again – I feel horrible for doing this to you... I have never been so ashamed or hated myself so much as know (but don't try to overdo it or manipulate him)
4. I'll work really hard and I hope one day you will be happy in our relationship again and perhaps even trust me at least a little bit
5. I'll be heartbroken , but I will understand if you break up with me now, don't want to see me now, don't want to make any choice, but I will continue to apologize, work on therapy and try to somehow make it up to you, and I'll wait for you and I hope someday you'll change your mind and give me another chance to prove my love through actions, not only words. I understand that you will maybe change your mind many times in the future,...., but I will understand and support you through all this, as much as you will let me... So go ahead, scream, call me names, I understand... (btw, don't accept any physical abuse or threats, don't accept name-calling for too long, I wouldn't accept a demand of a threesome or something sexual that you refused to do before – basically, tell yourself that you have dealbreakers too).
6. I'll be heartbroken, but I'll understand if you'll leave me to be with others... I hope someday you will give me another chance (btw, that doesn't mean you'll wait forever – again, dealbreakers, you shouldn't remain celibate for the rest of your life waiting for him)
7. I'll never drink alcohol again (I'd strongly suggest going so far – and I think he'll be triggered/remind everytime he sees you with an alcoholic beverage)
8. I've already arranged for me to start individual counselling
9. I hope someday you would be willing to go to couples' counselling with me
10. I'll get tested for stds (btw, you do know that you'll have to wait for around 6 weeks to get tested for HIV – I had to get tested, and they told me at least 6 weeks from the last sexual encounter)
11. I will give you passwords to all my devices, and we will install a keylogger so you will be able to see everything that I do
12. I will never talk to him ever again
13. I've written a detailed timeline if you will ever want to read it – it's all I remember from that night.

14. I will do a polygraph on my expenses so you will know I am, at least now, telling the truth and answering your questions. (yes, they're expensive, but it will be worth it for a chance to save your relationship)
15. We/I will tell anyone you want me/us/you to tell, or no-one, if you don't want to
16. my "friend" ____ was with me and she didn't try to stop me – I will not spend time with her again
17. Please tell me now and in the future what you thing might help you or what you want me to do

Ok, that's it for now, I might remember more later. I hope they are good advice and that I won't do more harm than good with my advice.

Oh, like others have said, don't minimize – don't say it was "just one time", don't say "but I was drunk", "but i didn't think anything would happen" – don't try to convince him that he should feel any less horrible than he will feel, by pointing out what you perceive or what are mitigating factors. Maybe, maybe, the time for that will be a long time in the future

One more advice – try to visualize what kind of questions and comments he will have and try to figure out what you will try to say or react. Maybe write them here and offer your idea of what you'll say. For example if he shouts in anger and hurt "How can I ever trust you again?! Why should I stay?!", "what we had wasn't/isn't special anymore etc.!", "Why did you do it?!" or sth like this. But don't be scared into not admitting things – DO NOT LIE OR OMMIT ANYTHING.

I truly truly admire you! You have more courage, integrity and honesty than my ex (and I still love my ex, so I mean that), and I really wish that she had been prepared to act in the way you are, and that she had been as remourseful as you seem to be. And that she were at least drunk, not completely sober. So even though I said don't minimize (and still say), to me, it would have been a slight consolation had she been drunk. Not a big one, but a small one nevertheless. So while I can't say what his reaction will be (and bear in mind that the first reaction can be extremely bad, but he might eventually, especially if you continue to fight for him, give it another try. Or vice versa... Just do the best you can from hereonin.), I will respect you a lot if you will tell him and be willing to fight hard for him. If not for him to give you another chance, fight for a chance to help him heal as much as you can...

Ok, this is starting to get hard to even think/write/remember of, so I'll stop for now.

As always, best wishes to both of you

as a BS ^^ is really good. I too, think the Skype idea is a good one. He has time away to think about it before you meet up.

Skype would have been an option, but he does not have internet where he lives at the moment. if he had skype, I have a feeling this would not have happened. He has skype last time I was away, and I was fine. But this time our entire relationship was texting. It was difficult...
I fully understand that he may break up with me. I'm aware of that. It scares me to death, but I know it's a possibility. A part of me even knows it's what I deserve. But I'm hoping he can forgive me.
You have all given me excellent advice, especially the lists of what to say and do. They are extremely helpful.
When I get home next Monday, he will be at work. but the moment he is finished I am telling him we need to talk. Cause I know I won't be able to look at him, let alone hug him or kiss him.
I'm also getting checked today for STI's (all the clinics were closed for the long weekend)
Hopefully I will have answers soon, because if I ever gave him anything, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

until my ONS he was the only guy I'd ever been with.

Ouch. That is really going to hurt.

In BF's mind you were exclusively his. His woman alone, thinking possessively. Be prepared for him to be grateful that you confessed, but that continuing the relationship is too much of a burden to bear. Hopefully he loves you so much that he can forgive, even though the trust will be understandably gone.