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Dallas2 posted 4/21/2014 14:16 PM

My H and I have an adult son who has been having a hard time making it on his own. He has lived in his car and is far from friends or family.

I want him to come home and regroup for a short while. My wonderful H said no that he doesn't think he has grown up any or changed.

I really did try not to bring his A into this but did. I said"You got a second chance even though you broke your vow and then covered it up fro years? What has****done that he doesn't deserve a second chance?

Needless t osay he got mad and hasn't spoken to me all day. I think a WS would would be grateful for a second chance and maybe be more understanding of others who need one. Did I figure this out wrong?

ReunitePangea posted 4/21/2014 14:25 PM

Did I figure this out wrong?

Your statement may be correct however I think you know that it was a low blow. If you were here just weeks or a few months after DDay I would understand it as part of the anger phase. Saying a statement like that 4 years after Dday is likely not going to help things.

Even though at 4 years out I do not think it is wrong to talk about the A if you need to do so. It should be just about the A and not mixed in as a jab for other M issues. Not if you are in R, again I do not know your story and only basing my answer on your registration date 4 years ago.

steadfast1973 posted 4/21/2014 14:36 PM

How old is your son?

And is he acting like he wants to change his ways? i think that is the difference.

I went to live with my parents after my divorce... Rather quickly I was in my old ways, no job, sitting on the internet all the time. It didn't help me regroup, and move forward... It just gave me the opportunity to get worse and wallow in my sadness...

In return, your Fwh has been doing work to earn his second chance (I assume)... Is your son doing that?

No one is ENTITLED to a second chance, they earn it. I agree with RP, it was a low blow. I only bring up the As in A conversations... Arguments about the kids or bills, have no place for the A.

seenow posted 4/21/2014 14:37 PM

Hey Dallas2: I probably would have thrown the "you got a second chance" thing in there too. Not saying if that is right or wrong...

Now you have to have a conversation without the snark. Is the objective to get this kid on his feet? How best to do this? Maybe both of you could come up with a plan?

SisterMilkshake posted 4/21/2014 14:52 PM

I don't feel it was a low blow or that you were wrong, personally. You were talking about second chances and the possibility of redemption. Your FWH actually could take it as a compliment that you were using him as an example of those given second chances and using that chance to change and become a better person. The low blow is that the FWS's had the affair in the first place and it oftentimes is the first thing that pops into our heads even 4 fucking years later! Trigger. Like we want it to. Fuck that shit. (((Dallas2)))

I agree that we don't owe anyone second chances. However, I believe that giving others a second chance is what humans do for other human beings that we love, want to see succeed and/or have a relationship with. I will not give advice about how to give your son a second chance as that was not what this thread is about, but I will say you must have requirements and boundaries as you did with reconciliation.

eta: I don't and wouldn't say that BS's should be constantly throwing the affair in the WS's faces, especially years after. However, this is a big part of our marital history now. It changed most of our marriages in some very profound ways. We aren't the ones that brought this trauma into the marriage, they are the ones that placed in our timelines, just like the day we got married, the birth of our children, etc. etc. This isn't a simple little mistake a spouse makes in the marriage. This is a big trauma in our marriages/lives. To not ever mention it, even in a heated discussion, I feel is unreasonable.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:28 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

ReunitePangea posted 4/21/2014 16:11 PM

Sister you make some good points but in this case I still feel it is a low blow. Here is why -

My H and I have an adult son who has been having a hard time making it on his own. He has lived in his car and is far from friends or family.

I am assuming that there are some issues at play here with you son. I don't need to know the whole background but my guess is his issues are causing him to live the way he is. My guess is that H is indicating that he doesn't want him home, not because he doesn't love him but he feels a tough love is the right recipe for this situation. Maybe I am wrong on my assumptions, however if I am not your H is trying to have a discussion with you on a topic where you likely have the same goals. You both want the situation to improve for your son.

I said"You got a second chance even though you broke your vow and then covered it up fro years? What has****done that he doesn't deserve a second chance?

By putting this out there you are hijacking a difficult discussion to be about the A. What is your H supposed to say to that? It is a no win argument for him - basically you are using the low blow to take advantage in the discussion to get your way. I am not suprised that he got mad and hasn't spoken about it. What can he say?

In the end though, this problem should be about your son and what is best for him.

RippedSoul posted 4/21/2014 16:23 PM

Is there not a middle ground? Couldn't you say something like: "When your behavior was less than ideal, I gave you a second chance if you were willing to go to IC, to agree to certain boundaries, to put our marriage first (etc.). Can we, together, figure out a way to help our son without enabling him, to create some limits that would protect us while strengthening him?" We've successfully reconciled. I'd like to help foster a similar change-of-life for him.

Dallas2 posted 4/22/2014 08:53 AM

Thanks everyone for answering.

This discussion with our son has been going on for awhile now. He is in the situation as a result of my trying to save my M. MY H was blaming everything on him. At this point in time I didn't know about the A so I of course did what H said would help us. I think there is more between the two of them than I know.

RP- I propably said what I was trying to say the wrong way and it really wasn't about the A but about trying to get over past mistakes and I think there in lies the problem. My H admitted to his A but everything after has been a struggle.

steadfast1973- My son does not want to come home, he just is at wits end and is running out of options. NO I guess H has not ans is not doing much for R. He just assumes it's all over.

Thanks sister Milkshake.

We are speaking but only on very general terms I guess it's time to take the A out of the box and talk some more.

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