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Newest Member: aheartbrokenwife (61814)

User Topic: I need your collective wisdom
Tough Old Cookie
♀ 26385
Member # 26385
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read my profile. I have serious health issues and before I go; this is a subject that I've never resolved. Should I confront or just let it go?

I didn't know how tough I was until I didn't have choices

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: toronto
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tears.

That's tough. I think about confrontation all the time. I never got to threaten her, or yell at her, or any of that.

The thing is, she's a narcissist... She won't care, it won't change her life, it won't change anything.

But, i don't see any harm, in your case. If I were you, I'd call her and let her know exactly what I think of her. And what he thought of her. And then hang up before she could even respond,

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 3:57 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're saying should you try to punish the OW? Even though your WH is dead? (That's what I took from your profile).

Exacting revenge is not healthy for you. Let it go. For all you know, this continued resentment has been contributing to the health issues you're dealing with.

Inflicting vengeance is not really going to be the right answer. The right answer comes in working toward being at peace with the past and the present and looking towards a future untainted by this hatred.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who do you want to confront? The OW or ex-husband?

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13448 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let go.

And allow yourself peace.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The greatest gift you can give yourself is peace.
Let it go, she will never feel remorse.

BS: Me (65yo)FWH: HIM (67yo)) serial infidelities over past 35 years
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2013

friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 29288
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She probably won't even remember your FWH--or at least she will tell you that. As much as you want to do this, I fear that it will give you more pain than closure. I agree with those who say to let it go and live in peace. You can be pretty sure that she is not.

Me--BW (57)
Him--FWH (54)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 21 years
DS-19, DD-16
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1655 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ 38562
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm definitely in the minority so I am whispering this quietly but I say, "Let 'er rip."

What have you got to lose? That you have carried this all these years, that it continued to plague you enough to hire a PI, perhaps this would be the thing that will finally give you rest.

Darned uncomfortable going against the common wisdom, but it's what I really think (at least right now - don't think I'm not having second thoughts).

P.S. I'm so sorry for your loss but I am so happy for what you were able to keep, despite everything.

"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 527 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 41324
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were to confrot her, how would you do it? When I confronted OW, I did it publicly. Not sure if that was teh best choice on my part but I really did not have enough self control. I guess I could answer my opinion better if I knew your plan.

Married 9 years
ME BS 32
DD 3 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 151 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, so sorry for your loss; cancer and Alzheimer's is quite a horrible combination; my heart goes out to you knowing what the day to day must have entailed for you. If you feel like confronting her will bring you closure, then you certainly have the right to do that. I understand the overwhelming desire to do so, but I do believe that it depends on what you want the outcome to be; what you to get out of exchange. Remember that you cannot control what happens after you have said your peace. She may be extremely hurtful to you; she may lie like crazy and you will not be able to turn to your husband to determine what is real and what is false. Ultimately, there is nothing that you will say that will change her view of what happened or make her feel sorry for what she did. WHile she seems to have monetary wealth, it sounds like she has a lonely, unfulfilling existence, far from what you and your husband had experienced together. I am truly sorry for all that you have suffered through, and wish you peace and strength in dealing with your own health issues.

((((Tough Old Cookie))))

BW: 46 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 14 1/2 years ago for 2 or 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 15
DD 13

Posts: 1812 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you expect to get out of a confrontation? Do you feel your expectations are realistic?

You know she won't have any remorse, so if you are doing it just to make yourself feel better, will it? If you confront her and tell her what a piece of trash she is (and I bet she's heard it before), do you think she will even care?

You have to decide what is best for you, but if you are hoping for some type of remorse from her, I am afraid it will be a disappointment. If you are doing it to cleanse your soul and you don't care what she has to say about it, that is a bit different, although, honestly, I wouldn't even let her know that she bothers you anymore. If, after all this time, you took the effort to track her down to tell her off, it only gives her the smug knowledge that she got to you.......

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 16236 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ 18179
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TOC, that can only be decided by you.

I think it's okay to want to be able to deliver your Victim Impact Statement. Of course I do, I delivered one myself to one of the OW, the one who knew my FWH was married, with a toddler and a pregnant wife (and then a toddler and a wife and an infant).

My advice is figure out what you want from the potential encounter. Realize what will and will not be likely to occur. If you mostly want to speak your truth (as I did), prioritize what you most want the OW to hear...because you might not have an audience for long.

I confronted the OW years ago now, and I never regretted it for even a moment. I can still smile about it. That said, I think stewing on it, planning it, and thoroughly thinking through what I wanted to say was key.

Best of luck to you, and I'm sorry for your recent loss. (((Tough Old Cookie)))

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 4195 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure how many years ago this A happened but the way you described her, even though it wreaked havoc on your life, it was probably just a blip on the radar for her...there were most likely more than just your ws. On the other hand, if it will make you feel better to give her a piece of your mind, do it. Just don't be dissappointed if it doesn't get an apology or even a recognition from her. You spent the time with your ws in the end and you were his true love. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 21239
Member # 21239
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Do what you need for you. Wishing you peace and strength.

Divorced 10/2013

Posts: 696 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: West Coast
♀ 15293
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TOC, Only you can decide to confront or to let it remain in the past. After all this time, if you call to confront her, you are giving her power over you. She will immediately know the anguish she inflicted on you for all these years. Don't bring her back into your life. Focus on you, the memory of your husband and your family.
Good Luck to you.

Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
Topic Posts: 15

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