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Tough Old Cookie posted 4/21/2014 15:48 PM

Please read my profile. I have serious health issues and before I go; this is a subject that I've never resolved. Should I confront or just let it go?

steadfast1973 posted 4/21/2014 15:55 PM

I have tears.

That's tough. I think about confrontation all the time. I never got to threaten her, or yell at her, or any of that.

The thing is, she's a narcissist... She won't care, it won't change her life, it won't change anything.

But, i don't see any harm, in your case. If I were you, I'd call her and let her know exactly what I think of her. And what he thought of her. And then hang up before she could even respond,

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 3:57 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

norabird posted 4/21/2014 15:55 PM

You're saying should you try to punish the OW? Even though your WH is dead? (That's what I took from your profile).

Exacting revenge is not healthy for you. Let it go. For all you know, this continued resentment has been contributing to the health issues you're dealing with.

Inflicting vengeance is not really going to be the right answer. The right answer comes in working toward being at peace with the past and the present and looking towards a future untainted by this hatred.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/21/2014 15:55 PM

Who do you want to confront? The OW or ex-husband?

Merlin posted 4/21/2014 16:08 PM

Let go.

And allow yourself peace.

Gr8Lady posted 4/21/2014 16:17 PM

The greatest gift you can give yourself is peace.
Let it go, she will never feel remorse.

hopingforhappy posted 4/21/2014 16:21 PM

She probably won't even remember your FWH--or at least she will tell you that. As much as you want to do this, I fear that it will give you more pain than closure. I agree with those who say to let it go and live in peace. You can be pretty sure that she is not.

MissMouseMo posted 4/21/2014 21:22 PM

I'm definitely in the minority so I am whispering this quietly but I say, "Let 'er rip."

What have you got to lose? That you have carried this all these years, that it continued to plague you enough to hire a PI, perhaps this would be the thing that will finally give you rest.

Darned uncomfortable going against the common wisdom, but it's what I really think (at least right now - don't think I'm not having second thoughts).

P.S. I'm so sorry for your loss but I am so happy for what you were able to keep, despite everything.

industriousbee posted 4/21/2014 21:31 PM

If you were to confrot her, how would you do it? When I confronted OW, I did it publicly. Not sure if that was teh best choice on my part but I really did not have enough self control. I guess I could answer my opinion better if I knew your plan.

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/21/2014 21:37 PM

Oh, so sorry for your loss; cancer and Alzheimer's is quite a horrible combination; my heart goes out to you knowing what the day to day must have entailed for you. If you feel like confronting her will bring you closure, then you certainly have the right to do that. I understand the overwhelming desire to do so, but I do believe that it depends on what you want the outcome to be; what you to get out of exchange. Remember that you cannot control what happens after you have said your peace. She may be extremely hurtful to you; she may lie like crazy and you will not be able to turn to your husband to determine what is real and what is false. Ultimately, there is nothing that you will say that will change her view of what happened or make her feel sorry for what she did. WHile she seems to have monetary wealth, it sounds like she has a lonely, unfulfilling existence, far from what you and your husband had experienced together. I am truly sorry for all that you have suffered through, and wish you peace and strength in dealing with your own health issues.

((((Tough Old Cookie))))

NaiveAgain posted 4/21/2014 21:42 PM

What do you expect to get out of a confrontation? Do you feel your expectations are realistic?

You know she won't have any remorse, so if you are doing it just to make yourself feel better, will it? If you confront her and tell her what a piece of trash she is (and I bet she's heard it before), do you think she will even care?

You have to decide what is best for you, but if you are hoping for some type of remorse from her, I am afraid it will be a disappointment. If you are doing it to cleanse your soul and you don't care what she has to say about it, that is a bit different, although, honestly, I wouldn't even let her know that she bothers you anymore. If, after all this time, you took the effort to track her down to tell her off, it only gives her the smug knowledge that she got to you.......

sad12008 posted 4/21/2014 22:07 PM

TOC, that can only be decided by you.

I think it's okay to want to be able to deliver your Victim Impact Statement. Of course I do, I delivered one myself to one of the OW, the one who knew my FWH was married, with a toddler and a pregnant wife (and then a toddler and a wife and an infant).

My advice is figure out what you want from the potential encounter. Realize what will and will not be likely to occur. If you mostly want to speak your truth (as I did), prioritize what you most want the OW to hear...because you might not have an audience for long.

I confronted the OW years ago now, and I never regretted it for even a moment. I can still smile about it. That said, I think stewing on it, planning it, and thoroughly thinking through what I wanted to say was key.

Best of luck to you, and I'm sorry for your recent loss. (((Tough Old Cookie)))

Ostrich80 posted 4/22/2014 00:20 AM

Not sure how many years ago this A happened but the way you described her, even though it wreaked havoc on your life, it was probably just a blip on the radar for her...there were most likely more than just your ws. On the other hand, if it will make you feel better to give her a piece of your mind, do it. Just don't be dissappointed if it doesn't get an apology or even a recognition from her. You spent the time with your ws in the end and you were his true love. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose.

Violated posted 4/22/2014 01:06 AM


Do what you need for you. Wishing you peace and strength.

Brokenworld posted 4/22/2014 09:28 AM

TOC, Only you can decide to confront or to let it remain in the past. After all this time, if you call to confront her, you are giving her power over you. She will immediately know the anguish she inflicted on you for all these years. Don't bring her back into your life. Focus on you, the memory of your husband and your family.
Good Luck to you.

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