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PositiveAttitude posted 4/21/2014 16:33 PM

WH is trying so hard now to R. He's honestly trying to do everything I need. I'm trying too. I'm very low maintenance about most things, and I'm a fast healer emotionally. I tend to trust without much proof at all. I listen to my intuition, and I'm very good at discerning motive, etc.

However, I can NOT stop thinking about OW or the A. I think this is due in some part to my embarrassment and humiliation that she and her friends know (or at the least think they know) exactly how much or how little I meant to WH during their LTA.

Until I can reconcile this with myself I know I'm going to obsess about her, and I honestly don't know how to process this. Of course she knows he loved me enough to not leave for her - or perhaps she thinks he stayed for our children. I don't know which is the case.

I can't even post a picture of WH and I together on a social media sight, etc. for fear that she or someone in her circle are looking at it and laughing at me.

Does anyone else struggle with this? It's just one facet of my issues surrounding R, but it's the most recent one I'm dealing with. Hoping for advice or words of wisdom to help me process through this stage.

[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 4:33 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

Ascendant posted 4/21/2014 19:19 PM

I struggle with it as well. We shouldn't care about the petty people, though.

Furious1 posted 4/21/2014 19:52 PM

I struggled with this for a while. It took a lot of IC for me to really get it in my head that what OW or her friends think about me is irrelevant. What WH did with them is no reflection on who I am or what kind of person I am. It is only a reflection on their character, not mine. After everything that's been done, they have no room to laugh at me.

I also struggled with feeling like I wasn't good enough. I just had to keep reminding myself that they are not better than me. I have just as much right to be happy and be treated with respect as anyone.

Hold your head up.

4everfaithful83 posted 4/21/2014 20:29 PM

I totally understand how you feel! I've been recommending this post to a lot of other people on SI, its one of my all time favorites, and I read it quite often...It's called "Honey, they always affair down" and it is brilliant!!

The OW can "think" whatever she wants. It doesn't make it true. And she's not even half the woman you are.

I hope you enjoy this post by deathbybetrayal! It's awesome!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

naivewife posted 4/21/2014 20:36 PM

I totally relate to what you are saying. Especially in light of the false R. WH even told me that OW got really fired up about the fact that he went back to her after I found out - felt like she really "won." Really betrayed that hell out of me after that. It's a hard one to swallow.

peoplepleaser posted 4/21/2014 20:37 PM

Yep! I struggle with this on and off. It's less over time, but it still returns. WS wrote about how she misjudged me in her NC letter to AP2, which helped. What didn't help was her shouting that I was a f^&*ing b&*(^ and everyone knew it during our separation, though, which happened after that letter.

Ultimately I know I'm not. She's declared I'm not. Our friends and family, people who matter, know I'm not. What I most have difficulty getting over is that she let herself believe it at all to begin with, though I know how and why now. And that she would disrespect me so much to conspire with others and engage in both actions and communication that proved it. That hurts so very bad.

The "They always affair down" thread has been very helpful for me, too. It doesn't totally get me past how disgusting it was that she chose unattractive, trashy, unintelligent and manipulative women to engage in judging and deceiving me, but it helps still.

Hawaiiorbust posted 4/21/2014 23:50 PM

I'm right there with you. It consumes my thoughts and I keep going back to it in my mind.

PositiveAttitude posted 4/22/2014 07:12 AM

Maybe what worries me is the potential that for three years she heard all the bad. Perhaps she heard about every fight. Maybe he told her about every time he felt unappreciated and lonely. I fear their conversation focused on the messy house and not the healthy, happy well-fed toddlers who were reading at a second grade level in kindergarten (or the fact that I worked from home and went to school full-time).

My secret hope is that she's read as much as I have, and now knows that men/women in affairs can exaggerate if not outright lie about their partners to justify and sustain their affairs.

I just don't want a whole slew of people I don't know having a false disconnected affair-goggles view of who I am and how I care for my family and our home.

918Mama posted 4/22/2014 15:19 PM

This is definitely a struggle of mine as well.

I haven't posted any pics of my fwh or any statuses that include him. Doubt I even will again. But my perspective on social media has changed dramatically as well. I really only use it as a means of chronicling the kids lives so our friends and family can stay up to date.

I think what bugs me most is not necessary what was or wasn't said about me, our home life, etc. but the fact that THEY knew and I didn't. I guess that is sort of implied in an affair but I hate that he trusted these nasty women with his secrets...but couldn't trust his wife enough to say "I'm broken and miserable and need help."

And given my most recent interaction with OW, I can tell you for a fact she hasn't reached any level of enlightenment, so I can't even imagine what her "truth" looks like right now.

Mostly, I don't care. I just hate that I was...left out?? Gosh that seems stupid when I write it!

And I hate other people knowing my business. But then I think, I've heard so many other people's business and it really didn't affect me so I have to hope the same is true in reverse.

Hugs!!

SpecialK posted 4/22/2014 16:18 PM

I so get where you are coming from! I have to think, re-think, then decide to not post or write anything about "us". Being able to write how lucky I am, how special our marriage is, what a great man he is..... yada yada, all lies.
I can just imagine some woman or women sitting there reading or listening and thinking, boy if she only knew the "real" him...

Mumof3 posted 4/23/2014 10:37 AM

I totally get this and feel the same. However what I try to do now is focus on how little she understands (OW) about affairs and about what my WH's feelings were towards her. He thought he loved her. He didn't. She thought he loved her. He didn't. Her reality was just a twisted f'd up world of secrecy and misunderstood feelings. When push came to shove - he chose ME! And not for the children. I try to turn it around and laugh at her and how morally low she stooped to try to steal my husband - I would never do that! I have the moral high ground and have done no wrong. Yes I chose to save my family - that makes me strong not weak. She is the one to be laughed at not you!

Hugs x

NoMorDeceit posted 4/23/2014 11:15 AM

I'm sorry. I remember feeling just like that, but really she is the one who ultimately will feel the heat of humiliation. She wasn't a priority to him, she didn't matter to him, she was a crime of opportunity, nothing more. She opened herself up to man for scraps, seriously s.c.r.a.p.s. He had a wife and kids at home..seriously she got scraps. Whatever he told her it doesn't matter, it was all about her hanging around for scraps and to stroke his ego. No matter what kind of face she puts on in public, on social media, with her friends...when she is all alone she feels humiliated and used..she settled for his scraps and in the end he tossed her away like a used napkin.

I'm not trying to minimize how you feel, just trying to offer another perspective. Hang in there, in time it gets easier.