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question about CSA...does it count if you didnt realize it?

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Alyssamd24 posted 4/21/2014 17:24 PM

When I was growing up I lived next to a baseball field....kids would practice there throughout the years, and there was a man who lived across the field from me who used to sit at his living room window and watch the kids play sports....he was a widower in his 80's and for years I can remember looking across the field and seeing him sit at the window.

I felt bad for him and thought he was lonely. It made me sad that he had no family or friends to visit him, so I started going to visit him....I have no idea how this started though....but I would go over weekly and sit on his front porch for a while, admiring the Venus fly traps and other plants he had out there.

He used to always sit in the same chair whenever I visited him....and most often while we sat and talked he would have his penis out of his pants and stroking himself. He never touched me or made me touch him, and at the time I didnt think much of it.....I thought he was old and senile and maybe didnt realize what he was doing...though I do remember he did it quite often.

Obviously looking back at it now as an adult I realize how wrong this whole scenario was.

Can things like this count as CSA? I was too stupid to realize what it was at the time, but could it have had more of an effect on me than I realized?

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/21/2014 17:30 PM

Absolutely!

Aubrie posted 4/21/2014 17:33 PM

Can things like this count as CSA?
Yes.

I was too stupid to realize what it was at the time,
Oft times, we don't see it till later. Hind sight is 20/20. Doesn't mean you were stupid.

but could it have had more of an effect on me than I realized?
Yes ma'am.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:33 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

knightsbff posted 4/21/2014 17:39 PM

I think it certainly could have affected you.

I believed I wasn't affected by the CSA. Until post d-day when I really had to start digging for my whys I was certain it was just something that happened to me when I was a kid. No biggie. I was fine and completely over it. Only I wasn't.

I think this would be a good thing to process with IC.

What kind of feelings do you remember having when you were in those situations as a child? When you noticed his penis out and him stroking it?

When you tell the story now or look back on those memories what feelings do you get? What emotions are attached to your memory of the event?

Unpleasant, yucky feelings when thinking or talking about the event will tell you if you need to process it further.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:40 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 4/21/2014 18:02 PM

Yes. It counts. A situation that should have been normal was sexualized in a way over which you had no control and without your consent. You were a kid without the emotional tools to know what was going on or what was wrong. Whatever his reasoning, the experience got thrown into your personal mix.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/21/2014 18:10 PM

I don't know how I felt about it....uncomfortable and didn't think he should be doing it....but I also thought he didnt realize it....looking back though I guess he realized he was doing it....I never told anyone about it until years later. ...I told my mother recently and all she said was oh.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/21/2014 20:00 PM

Yes it counts. And quit knocking yourself, you weren't stupid. Your little-kid brain couldn't process it, and may have gone into defensive mode to protect you.

How do you feel about Mom's reaction? I told my mom a few years ago, I was like 39 years old. She glazed over and didn't respond, and never brought it up again. Ouch. After DDay we talked about it, and she said she felt guilty because she should've protected me, and "there was nothing she could do at this point anyway." IDK, Mom, a hug woulda been nice.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/21/2014 20:05 PM

Yeah my reaction to my mom is similar to what you said....obviously she cant do anything about it now but a hug or something would have been nice. ...rather than just saying oh and moving on.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/22/2014 02:30 AM

I was too stupid to realize what it was at the time

No you weren't stupid. You were a child. A child who believed that you could trust the adults that you encountered in your life. Unfortunately, *window-man* choose to take advantage of that trust.
And since from your description it sounds as if he's probably dead by now.....I really hope he took a large supply of sweatbands with him when he died. It's supposedly pretty hot down there.

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