Hope is a devil of a thing - it can paralyse you.
I worried that I had made the wrong decision for some time after S. The extreme venom he spouted when he realised I was serious helped unburden me of that worry.
Ignore his words - watch his actions. His words mean jack shit right now. If he has real remorse he'll do the work necessary whether you are in R or S/D. If his healing is contingent on R then it will be more False R.
There is no venom in True Remorse - whether you are in R or S/D.
Most try to pull this hoovering crap (Hoovering thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828). It isn't because they have finally woken up to themselves and want to fight for their M - it is because they don't want Inge to change. They like their little Cheaters Nirvana of cake eating and don't want us to close the bakery.
He isn't hurting - he is manipulating. Change how you view his and your rose coloured glasses will fall away. You'll see it as an extension of the emotional abuse he has wreaked on your life, including but not limited to his infidelity.
Completely involved with the AP the whole time - he saw what this did to you and continued whilst pretending to be working on R. I received the same treatment and I too could not believe the cruelty. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing - I didn't want to.
Every time his lips are moving I remember his eyes as he lied right to my face for 3m of False R - 3m of begging/pleading/crying/wailing. 3m of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes", 3m of swearing on our children's head that I had full disclosure.
All the while most likely still fucking one or more of his OW.
He too told me all I had to do was forgive him and trust that he wouldn't do it again and I wouldn't need to hurt our kids with D.
You see what he did there? *I* was harming our kids by making this a dealbreaker - not him for cheating. In his mind he harmed our M but I killed it.
Why do you need him to comprehend it? Stop listening to him. Go hardcore NC/180 on his arse. Don't let him poison your mind with his lies. Stop giving him opportunities to mindfuck you.
I didn't want D - I had to. The only other option was to continue being lied to and cheated on. Not really a choice there.