Stand your ground.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
It sounds like he's trying to wear you down. He's acting childish and needy, and you're feeling the need to 'protect him"?
Sweetie, this part is NOT healthy. He's a grown man who wants his cake. You can't fix him. He needs to do that himself...and he's not getting off to a very good start by behaving this way.
He needs to man up and accept the consequences of his actions. I'm sure you told him what you expected to R, but he continued to betray you.
Proceed with the divorce. IF... and that's a big if... he actually DOES takes the steps toward a true R, you can always put the divorce on hold....or remarry.
He showed you how little he valued doing the work to keep you. Remember that and don't let yourself get hoovered. If he wants to man up, he can still commit to doing the work; and if he really sees the light, he will. Now you need to focus on protecting you. He certainly didn't.
I worried that I had made the wrong decision for some time after S. The extreme venom he spouted when he realised I was serious helped unburden me of that worry.
Ignore his words - watch his actions. His words mean jack shit right now. If he has real remorse he'll do the work necessary whether you are in R or S/D. If his healing is contingent on R then it will be more False R.
There is no venom in True Remorse - whether you are in R or S/D.
Most try to pull this hoovering crap (Hoovering thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828). It isn't because they have finally woken up to themselves and want to fight for their M - it is because they don't want Inge to change. They like their little Cheaters Nirvana of cake eating and don't want us to close the bakery.
He isn't hurting - he is manipulating. Change how you view his and your rose coloured glasses will fall away. You'll see it as an extension of the emotional abuse he has wreaked on your life, including but not limited to his infidelity.
Completely involved with the AP the whole time - he saw what this did to you and continued whilst pretending to be working on R. I received the same treatment and I too could not believe the cruelty. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing - I didn't want to.
Every time his lips are moving I remember his eyes as he lied right to my face for 3m of False R - 3m of begging/pleading/crying/wailing. 3m of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes", 3m of swearing on our children's head that I had full disclosure.
All the while most likely still fucking one or more of his OW.
He too told me all I had to do was forgive him and trust that he wouldn't do it again and I wouldn't need to hurt our kids with D.
You see what he did there? *I* was harming our kids by making this a dealbreaker - not him for cheating. In his mind he harmed our M but I killed it.
Why do you need him to comprehend it? Stop listening to him. Go hardcore NC/180 on his arse. Don't let him poison your mind with his lies. Stop giving him opportunities to mindfuck you.
I didn't want D - I had to. The only other option was to continue being lied to and cheated on. Not really a choice there.
Stay strong! You have the right to decide what your boundaries are. You have told him and he has walked all over them and doesn't care. He wants to treat you bad and for you to accept it. You are doing the right thing
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
Even if you did start to see improvement, tell yourself you can always reunite if you want if or when he gets his act together. Don't stop the D process for a ghost of a chance.
He's not going to change. Pretty words mean nothing. If you give in, you'll find yourself back here, whether it's one year, five years, ten years down the road. Think of your future self.
Stop the bleeding now, start healing, and in five years, you can be incredibly happy in your new life instead of having your heart broken yet again by finding out you're in false R.
You can do it. I know you have an amazing life ahead of you. This is the absolute toughest part. It was so hard for me not to give in to XWH when he was begging me to come back.
But now I'm so glad I did. I'm happier than I've ever been and now, after healing, I have a fabulous boyfriend whose treatment of me is 180 from what XWH is capable of, even on his best day.
I promise that it gets so much better.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change and I am changing the things I cannot accept"
We all know how hard all this is, but you need to let the brain take the wheel over your heart. What you said here is a great way of looking at it. We are 43,000+ strong here, and we all will offer you the encouragement you need along the way. Keep venting here and hold onto the attitude you show in your last update, and you will get through this. Believe it.
Stay strong and just remember the list of things he has done wrong against you. You deserve better....you deserve to be happy.
((((lovehonorcherish)))))
