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lovehonorcherish posted 4/21/2014 19:38 PM

Looking for some words of encouragement tonight. I swear this process of divorce is going to break me before much longer! H didn't give me or our M a second thought the entire time he was getting into AP's pants but now that I have signed the paperwork to start the ball rolling...he is relentless with "Why are you doing this?" "We can fix this if you would just give it a chance." "I can be the man you need me to be." He has had a solid year to get his act together, marriage counseling, family support and what did he do? False R...completely involved with AP the whole time. Why is it so hard for him to comprehend that I have finally had enough? Why do I feel like I need to protect him from being hurt when he never once gave me the same consideration? What is wrong with me?

DepressedDaddy posted 4/21/2014 19:46 PM

Stay strong. You can do it. just listen to the words you wrote. Repeat them and understand that we are all here for you.

Stand your ground.

one2ndchance posted 4/21/2014 20:36 PM

There's nothing wrong with you. You admit that you've "finally had enough." That's not only normal, it's healthy.

It sounds like he's trying to wear you down. He's acting childish and needy, and you're feeling the need to 'protect him"?

Sweetie, this part is NOT healthy. He's a grown man who wants his cake. You can't fix him. He needs to do that himself...and he's not getting off to a very good start by behaving this way.

He needs to man up and accept the consequences of his actions. I'm sure you told him what you expected to R, but he continued to betray you.

Proceed with the divorce. IF... and that's a big if... he actually DOES takes the steps toward a true R, you can always put the divorce on hold....or remarry.

norabird posted 4/21/2014 21:10 PM

Please ignore what he says. A YEAR of false R. So many lies. He knew he was risking throwing you away, and he still didn't get it.

He showed you how little he valued doing the work to keep you. Remember that and don't let yourself get hoovered. If he wants to man up, he can still commit to doing the work; and if he really sees the light, he will. Now you need to focus on protecting you. He certainly didn't.

SBB posted 4/21/2014 23:32 PM

Hope is a devil of a thing - it can paralyse you.

I worried that I had made the wrong decision for some time after S. The extreme venom he spouted when he realised I was serious helped unburden me of that worry.

Ignore his words - watch his actions. His words mean jack shit right now. If he has real remorse he'll do the work necessary whether you are in R or S/D. If his healing is contingent on R then it will be more False R.

There is no venom in True Remorse - whether you are in R or S/D.

Most try to pull this hoovering crap (Hoovering thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828). It isn't because they have finally woken up to themselves and want to fight for their M - it is because they don't want Inge to change. They like their little Cheaters Nirvana of cake eating and don't want us to close the bakery.

He isn't hurting - he is manipulating. Change how you view his and your rose coloured glasses will fall away. You'll see it as an extension of the emotional abuse he has wreaked on your life, including but not limited to his infidelity.

Completely involved with the AP the whole time - he saw what this did to you and continued whilst pretending to be working on R. I received the same treatment and I too could not believe the cruelty. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing - I didn't want to.

Every time his lips are moving I remember his eyes as he lied right to my face for 3m of False R - 3m of begging/pleading/crying/wailing. 3m of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes", 3m of swearing on our children's head that I had full disclosure.

All the while most likely still fucking one or more of his OW.

He too told me all I had to do was forgive him and trust that he wouldn't do it again and I wouldn't need to hurt our kids with D.

You see what he did there? *I* was harming our kids by making this a dealbreaker - not him for cheating. In his mind he harmed our M but I killed it.

Why do you need him to comprehend it? Stop listening to him. Go hardcore NC/180 on his arse. Don't let him poison your mind with his lies. Stop giving him opportunities to mindfuck you.

I didn't want D - I had to. The only other option was to continue being lied to and cheated on. Not really a choice there.

courageous posted 4/23/2014 19:08 PM

Sounds like he is wanting to cake eat. He doesn't want to do the work to repair what he broke but he wants to keep you on the line.

Stay strong! You have the right to decide what your boundaries are. You have told him and he has walked all over them and doesn't care. He wants to treat you bad and for you to accept it. You are doing the right thing

Sad in AZ posted 4/23/2014 19:23 PM

What you have to remember is that he has shown you who he ishe had the chance to improve and he did not take it. What on earth would make you think he has it in him now? He's just panicking, and it's probably about the division of assets, spousal support, etc.

Even if you did start to see improvement, tell yourself you can always reunite if you want if or when he gets his act together. Don't stop the D process for a ghost of a chance.

phmh posted 4/23/2014 19:53 PM

Look around SI, in various forums, and just read people's taglines. It is quite astonishing how many people went through long-term false R. Sometimes they found out about another affair 10+ years down the road (this is not uncommon at all.)

He's not going to change. Pretty words mean nothing. If you give in, you'll find yourself back here, whether it's one year, five years, ten years down the road. Think of your future self.

Stop the bleeding now, start healing, and in five years, you can be incredibly happy in your new life instead of having your heart broken yet again by finding out you're in false R.

You can do it. I know you have an amazing life ahead of you. This is the absolute toughest part. It was so hard for me not to give in to XWH when he was begging me to come back.

But now I'm so glad I did. I'm happier than I've ever been and now, after healing, I have a fabulous boyfriend whose treatment of me is 180 from what XWH is capable of, even on his best day.

I promise that it gets so much better.

lovehonorcherish posted 4/23/2014 20:59 PM

Thank you everyone! I am moving ahead with D as planned. As difficult and painful as this process can be I try to remember: "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change and I am changing the things I cannot accept"

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 21:43 PM

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change and I am changing the things I cannot accept"

We all know how hard all this is, but you need to let the brain take the wheel over your heart. What you said here is a great way of looking at it. We are 43,000+ strong here, and we all will offer you the encouragement you need along the way. Keep venting here and hold onto the attitude you show in your last update, and you will get through this. Believe it.

deena posted 4/24/2014 08:52 AM

You are just a good person who does not like to hurt others, even those who have hurt you.
He knows this and is trying to suck you back into staying married.
My WH has done this a few times and then just changes back. He only gets nice when he thinks he is losing our marriage.
I don't think it is me he is upset about losing....it is "our marriage".
I have become so numb to feelings for him, but still I feel bad seeing him act all hurt. It is crazy!!!!

Stay strong and just remember the list of things he has done wrong against you.
You deserve better....you deserve to be happy.

((((lovehonorcherish)))))