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Could this be a blessing in disguise?

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knockeddown posted 4/21/2014 20:44 PM

My WW has always kept others at a distance. She devalued a lot of people over the years and idealized me...until I was no longer idealized. She had problems with EVERYONE. She had problems with my parents, her parents, her siblings, our friends, etc. She has always been a snotty person and I am just now coming to realize it. I was blind to how she treated others and I always tolerated it. In fact, I always felt like I had to make excuses for it. Now I feel like I am free. Don't get me wrong, I hurt, but I feel like I don't have to make excuses for a woman that distanced herself from everyone and ran me into the ground. Had it not been for this affair, I would have NEVER left her. I am starting to realize things about her. I am starting to realize how damaged she is/was all along. This was just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.

TrustedHer posted 4/21/2014 20:53 PM

That's a very positive outlook on a very terrible situation.

It took me a long time to realize that what I considered a "normal" marriage was not really a good situation for me. A long time, and a lot of therapy, after separation.

There are those who have a similar epiphany after choosing to reconcile, too. Not that the A was a good thing, but that they came through with more skills to keep their relationship, and love, alive.

ZedLeppelin posted 4/21/2014 23:53 PM


woundedby2 posted 4/22/2014 00:14 AM

It was for me. It took me a while to see it as such, but it was.

bigskyblues posted 4/22/2014 00:18 AM

Wow, I could have written most of that. I don't think my xww was "snotty" so much but she some how managed to drive everyone off. She seems to destroy every long term relationship she has ever had (to include family). The further out from it the more my eyes are finally wide open.

I have moved on and have a wonderful lady in my life. I will always care about my xww as she is the mother of my children, but I am happy to have moved on. I actually feel sad for her (not sorry, she made her own choices) as I know she will never find true happiness.

You are on the road to bigger and better things in life!


stronger08 posted 4/22/2014 02:10 AM

I certainly can be. I for one spent twenty years with a woman who basically lied and deceived her way through life. I drank the Kool Aid and thought that this was how it was supposed to be. Like your WW mine was the same. Very difficult to get along with, had very few friends and of those not many stayed around for long. No matter where we lived she always had issue with neighbors and naturally did not get along with my family. It took her A(s) to get me to take off the rose colored glasses. But when I finally did I saw her for the damaged, selfish individual she was. As it turned out there were solid reasons for why people did not like her. When I saw this it hit me like a ton of bricks, she did not deserve me. I was too good for her and I allowed her to manipulate me into thinking it was me all along that had the problems. Turns out that isn't true. Since my D people think I'm a pretty great guy, I have friends, family and for the first time in many years I have peace in my life. She on the other hand is still the same miserable person she was when I was M to her. My XWW has gotten by on her looks her whole life. Now that she is getting older those are fading as well. While she still looks good for a woman her age its only a matter of time till she is one lonely bitter old bitch. And I for one am very glad that I don't have to be a part of her misery any longer. My life is good and I am very happy without her in it.

cantaccept posted 4/22/2014 04:14 AM

A blessing in disguise, for me absolutely, doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt though. I am only 4 months out from dday #2 though and the clarity is in its infancy.

I have found that the clarity of the truth tends to waver a bit from day to day. I think it is coming to acceptance of what you believed or wanted to believe and the reality.

I keep telling myself that at least now, in spite of all the pain, at least now I have a chance for a better life. A life of peace, respect and kindness. I could have lived my entire life being treated so badly and never known, or chose to see the truth of what was really happening.

I think that sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day survival the we don't recognize how badly we are hurting and why.

I know for me, I was trying so hard to not provoke him and blaming myself for his bad treatment of me, "what did I do to make him think that of me", very twisted, I know now, that I couldn't see the bigger picture.

It is still hard, it still hurts. What hurts though is that all of the abuse was real and that I tolerated it for so long. The fact that he never really cared for me, that I could have been anyone, that still hurts.

Time, rediscovering myself, appreciating the good that I am seeing in my life now, that helps. Being free from the abuse and control really does seem to open new doors, opens your eyes to the kind people all around.

I wish you strength and clarity.

knockeddown posted 4/22/2014 04:41 AM

My XWW has gotten by on her looks her whole life.

This. Yes, my wife is gorgeous and has truly blossomed physically since we met. She is ugly as sin on the inside. She keeps others at a distance because she is so moody, you never know what you're going to get.

I was doing fine yesterday until I saw a picture of her pop up on Facebook. She looked so good, but I have to remember that looks are only skin deep. It's what's beneath that matters.

Skan posted 4/22/2014 12:56 PM

My Great Granny had a saying "beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes straight to the bone."

norabird posted 4/22/2014 13:16 PM

Block her on facebook for your own sanity. And remember that looks only go skin-deep. It really is a blessing to have the wool pulled from your eyes and realize that you are well rid of such a negative influence in your life.


Hang on to this realization and the better days will come.

happyman64 posted 4/22/2014 20:28 PM


Keep detaching.

In time you will be ok.

Sure she looks good on the outside but now that some clarity is settling in you see the core is rotten.

You are going to be fine. Focus on completing your education.

Focus on being a good dad.


allatsea posted 4/23/2014 07:04 AM

When I read your post I couldn't quite believe it.

Every single word describes my ex wife. Unbelievable.

You will have many realisations over the coming months. Each one will cause you pain.

As time progresses for me, I am now seeing what she has lost rather than what I have lost. Because your wife and mine excluded people from their lives she is left with nobody of substance or sycophants and has lost the only true friend she ever had in her life.

It took me over a year to realise that she was broken all along.

Abbondad posted 4/23/2014 07:29 AM

Every single word describes my ex wife.

Same here. Over the course of her self-entitled, haughty life, my XW has left in her NPD wake:

One father (estranged)
Mother and sister (on and off estrangement)
Countless friends
Countless offended store managers and employees
Countless boyfriends
Three attorneys (refused to work with her)
Three psychiatrists (refused to treat her)
Two pediatric psychiatrists (refused to treat our kids because she is so difficult)
One therapist
Three jobs in fourteen months (fired)
One husband and family

She gets along with nobody--or at least not for very long. She too has gotten by on her looks and initial NPD charms. But both fade. Sad.

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