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Is this yet another D-Day? It feels like it

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Hurtandhealer posted 4/21/2014 20:58 PM

Husband had an 8-month affair last year while I was pregnant with our twins, and shortly after their birth. We "reconciled" and have been actively working to make our relationship better. I THOUGHT things were great! I mean he has been treating me with so much more love, and truly showing that our family is first in his eyes. While the affair was going on, I would find out a little more at a time and he would promise he would end it, but never did until last July. Well this past Wednesday I was putting an old phone bill away and whose number should pop up at the top but OW's. I confronted him about it and he lied at first, then the whole story came out that they have been talking "sporadically" on Facebook and talked twice over the phone for a few minutes. Both of them claim it was harmless conversation about work (they USED to work together) or family. I don't care, you shouldn't be speaking to her at all! OW finally contacted me and apologized over Facebook for what she had done and said that she is trying to work things out with her husband too. Neither one of them has a good explanation for talking to each other. I realize they didn't technically have an affair again, but it certainly feels like another D-Day all over again. I mean I'm back to not wanting to be around him, contemplating if I really want to make this work with him, obsessing over OW, the whole 9 yards. The hardest part is that I TRULY BELIEVED he was changing! Is this just a momentary setback, or has he just been playing me these last 8 months? I'm so.........LOST

naivewife posted 4/21/2014 21:04 PM

I'm so sorry! Have you already contacted OW's BH about it?

RidingHealingRd posted 4/21/2014 21:16 PM

I am wondering if you ever contacted OW BH? If not, I would encourage you to do so. Not only does he deserve to know but exposing the A is helpful in ending it.

If your H remains in contact with AP then he is not committed to R.

I realize they didn't technically have an affair again

Maybe not but do you know if he is engaged in an EA with the AP?

Did he ever send the AP a NC letter? If not he should.

Remain super vigilant and watch his every move.

heartache101 posted 4/21/2014 21:36 PM

OH WoW! I am sorry.
Yes it is and honey get yourselves into MC.

Hurtandhealer posted 4/22/2014 09:33 AM

Sorry for the delay in response everyone. Husband and I were "having it out" last night. Yes, I have been in contact with OW's husband. Actually, when I found the phone calls on Wednesday, he is the first person I contacted (through Facebook). He was shocked too as he thought they were making progress. Then later on that night SHE contacted me and told me that it was just "chatting" about life and kids and she realizes they had no business talking to each other and she's sorry for any pain she's caused me. Just chatting about kids. MY KIDS. The kids I was pregnant with (well, 2 out of the 3) while you were screwing my husband. Do me a favor, don't act like MY CHILDREN are okay to talk about. NOTHING is okay for you two to be talking about. RidingHealingRd, I do not know FOR SURE that he isn't engaged in an EA, but my gut is telling me no, and his story and her story about what they talked about and when matched perfectly without speaking to each other. Maybe they worked that out in advance, but that seems unlikely. He's not the type of guy to think before he acts, as you can tell.
We talked and talked and talked last night. He seems so remorseful, but then again, he seemed remorseful last summer too. And we've been going to counseling and marriage groups! He's changed so much since we started, this is just coming out of left field for me. I told him that if all the work we've put into the relationship didn't fix the problem, then I don't know what else to do at this point. He insisted that all the work we've been doing has healed the relationship, he just made a stupid mistake. He doesn't understand why my mood and uncertainty seems to be right back where it was last summer. "I didn't sleep with her again, I didn't even see her again, I just talked to her a couple times". I tried to explain to him that it's not about what he did or what he said on the phone. He could have called her up and said "is your refrigerator running? better go catch it!" The point is you set out to deceive and betray me AGAIN. So yes, I'm exactly back where I was last summer because you've betrayed me again.

[This message edited by Hurtandhealer at 9:34 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

steadfast1973 posted 4/22/2014 09:54 AM

If he is still talking to her at all the A is still going on. No Contact means NO CONTACT. Any contact with his OW is a continuation of the A, no matter what they talk about. If they don't stop, they will be back to the full blown A, before long. Sorry. That's why it feels like another DDay, because it is.

He needs to read, "Not Just Friends".

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:54 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Hurtandhealer posted 4/22/2014 10:02 AM

THANK YOU Steadfast! That is what I needed to hear! My feelings are justified! He says they were just "bs-ing", but that's EXACTLY how he told me the affair started! How can he not see this?

Skan posted 4/22/2014 17:11 PM

He told you that he wanted to reconcile with you. He told you that you were the primary person in his life. He told you that the woman that he partnered with to stab you in the back and heart, was out of his life.

And he lied. He thought that it was OK to emotionally engage with the OW, the same person who tried to help him kill your marriage. He "picked" contacting her with keeping your marriage and your mental health sound. And he doesn't see that was a problem?

He chose her over you, bottom line. He showed by his actions that "just chatting" with a co-murderer was far, far more important than you, his wife.

Oh yes, it feels like another DDay because it is. Believe his actions

ladycody posted 4/22/2014 17:17 PM

Am sorry :( ...and I'm sure it feels like another would to me. I think I'd have to work hard not to kill my WH if I discovered contact of ANY sort...never mind undisclosed contact.
He needs to be NC...and he needs to understand that NC means forever. If he was truly getting it...he'd understand that his relationship with OW was the most hurtful event he could possibly have introduced to your marriage. Even if he doesnt despise her...he should despise what his connection with her did to you and your marriage and should understand that NO continuation of that connection is acceptable. That "stupid mistake" indicates that he doesnt understand the depth of the damage he's done...nor has he figured out boundaries. (((Hurtandhealer)))

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