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nekorb posted 4/21/2014 21:03 PM

WH asked me how I want to handle Mother's Day.

I have no clue.

Normally he and the children would make me breakfast in bed, then later on we would go out with MIL and extended family for a Mother's Day celebration.

I don't know what to do. I don't want breakfast in bed this year. Too painful. But I'd like to do something with my kids. But I also want to see MIL, but I know from Easter that I can't deal with a family get together.

Part of me feels like I should get to go out with the kids and do something and WH can go do whatever with his mom/extended family. Is that selfish?

What do you guys do?

norabird posted 4/21/2014 21:14 PM

Of course it's not selfish to want to do something with the kids and leave your WH on his own to do something with his MIL. In fact I think that sounds great! You decide whatever you want to do and don't worry about anything else, not how it looks or if it's fair--just let yourself have the freedom to indulge what you really think will make you most happy.

cmego posted 4/21/2014 21:32 PM

It is always my weekend with the kids and I simply make plans with my family. I let the kids "make breakfast" (toast?) and bring me the presents they made at school. Maybe go grab a starbucks coffee. Just low key and hang with my kids until I meet up with my mom and sis. Last year we all met and went to a restaurant, this year I think we are going to a hot hair balloon festival.

You just have to make your own plans and let go of the past ones. Make new memories and new traditions.

ThisHell posted 4/21/2014 21:38 PM

In my opinion, if your kids know you are separated and divorcing, involving him in these types of things will only confuse them.

If your kids generally get you a little gift or something, is there a good friend or family member not of stbx's that could take them for a fun afternoon of shopping?

My first year separated my sister did this for my kids. They each picked whatever their heart desired for me... it was really quite hilarious what they chose, but it reflected their little hearts and they were just so excited to give me what they had total control of choosing.

If stbx wants to be involved it's probably just to alleviate his own guilt. You know what? Let him sit in it! Enjoy the day as YOU want to. With your kids at home, at Starbucks, out to breakfast, in bed with movies all day... whatever! But let his ass see what divorce looks like!

DepressedDaddy posted 4/21/2014 22:08 PM

The great thing about this...do whatever makes you happy!

I will probably be around for Mother's day with my WW and DD. I just commit to keep the talk business-like and not get wrapped up with other stuff.

Do whatever makes you happy!

SBB posted 4/21/2014 23:14 PM

It is written into our agreement that I get Mothers Day and he gets Father's Day - from 9am to Monday school/daycare dropoff. He didn't want to see them the first Fathers Day post-S - chose to spend it with his child-whore instead. That was difficult to explain to the girls when everyone they knew spent it with their own dad. We spent the day with my mums partner who they call Papa and who is a big part of their lives.

Last year was my first Mothers Day post S and the girls and I made a huge breakfast together and ate it in my bed. It is lovely making new traditions.

I'd personally not spend it with XMIL unless she has been of great support to you and X isn't there.

I think it is confusing for the kids. D means a new family dynamic - it takes time to get used to a new normal. I didn't want to send mixed messages or give them hope that we'd get back together.

Plus emotions are too raw right now. Not to mention X is being a dick.

What happens next year or another year when he has a GF there? Will you base your plans on wether or not he is coupled? Will you spend Father's Day with XFIL or X? Most likely no.

I would focus on building new memories rather than trying to hold on to the old ones. IMHO it isn't feasible to continue them long term so why delay the inevitable. I think it bothers us much more than it bothers the kids. My girls don't even notice.

crazynot posted 4/22/2014 00:16 AM

Not selfish at all, Nekorb, absolutely right. Your MIL is someone you're close to, but she of all people will understand that MD is one day when you and your kids need to be together.

suckstobeme posted 4/22/2014 00:22 AM

Every divorce decree in America grants Mother's Day to the mother and Father's Day to the father. Even if it happens to fall on my exwh's weekend, they come home to be with me on that Sunday morning and vice versa.

We spend time with my mom and do whatever we want. Usually, it's a movie and a special dinner. We might do a fancy brunch this year. Doesn't matter, as long as we are together.

They are excited to give me whatever they made for me in school. My exWH also takes them shopping for me. They just get small gifts like a flower and some nail polish, but I believe that's still his job. He's still their father and it's his job to help teach them to be thoughtful, respectful people. I do the same for father's day.

My exwh's mother has passed and she never lived near us so I don't know how to handle the kids and MIL. My thought would be to have them give her a small gift and a card - your stbx should be the one to help facilitate that for his mother - and they can call her to acknowledge and wish her a happy day.

If you are really feeling nice and she wants to see them for a bit, you can let her. At the same time, you do not have to participate in some big family event. This is your day and it should not be tainted with sadness or uncomfortable feelings. This is divorce. He has to see the reality - you will share children and broker for their time from now on. Togetherness and big events as one don't take place anymore and for him to want or believe that is completely unrealistic. Maybe one day, way down the road, you can heal enough to be in the same room with these people without feeling Iike your heart is being ripped out. For the foreseeable future, that's not going to happen.

As with everything else, protect yourself and your emotions. Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

Nature_Girl posted 4/22/2014 00:23 AM

Do your own thing.

stronger08 posted 4/22/2014 02:27 AM

This is an opportunity to try and let go. Do what you think is best, not what you think is the "right thing" for all. You are getting a D and its best you start to cut the strings. An enjoyable day with your children sounds like a marvelous idea. You can always call and wish MIL a happy day, send the kids there with him for an hour or so if that's what you want. But do not allow him to be part of your day. He made a decision and now he needs to be shown the consequence of that decision. I never adhered to the notion of making believe everything is great on holidays for the sake of the kids. IMHO all that does is confuse them further and gives them false hope. As for your STBXWH, if he finds himself all alone, too fucking bad. He has his own mother and he can spend the day with her. But chances are he will try and use this day to garner sympathy and/or make believe he is a good guy by spending the day with you. Don't fall for that shit because you will only be playing into his little game. Never allow a person who goes out of their way to make you miserable to manipulate you into making believe things are good. Things are not good and neither is he. I'm sorry that this is how it is, but that's what his poor decisions have made it. Let him live with those decision and all the bullshit that goes along with them.

nekorb posted 4/22/2014 07:46 AM

Thanks for the advice!

I guess I need to start thinking about it as if WH isn't still living here. What would my expectations be?

My oldest will be home from college for the summer by then, so she will be able to take them out to get a gift. I'm sure she will take charge of that situation!

In regards to my MIL. She has mothered me more than my own mother ever did. (My mom left when I was 8) MIL has been a rock for me throughout this A. She is one of the kindest people I know. I will try to see her with the kids at some point that weekend or the day after, perhaps.

My day. I'm going to plan accordingly.

deena04 posted 4/22/2014 18:00 PM

Well, do something YOU want to do with your kids. Make a new tradition perhaps. I will be spending it with my kids and watching my beautiful daughter graduate from high school. That will be bittersweet on Mother's Day. Note to self: take tissues, tons of tissues. :)

Kajem posted 4/22/2014 18:39 PM

The first year post divorce my friend and I took all (6) kids to the mall. I gave my kids money to shop for me, she did the same for hers. Then we switched kids, and tried to stealthily shop the mall with the kids. The kids had a blast trying to hide from mom while mom was shopping nearby. Or trying to distract mom from sneaking a peak at what was being bought. The day was topped off with pizza, a movie, a wrap rest at home and a vow to do it again the following year.

We continued that tradition for 6 years, till the oldest kids went to college. Thinking about it still brings a smile.

K