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one week ago my life was shattered

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trikemom2014 posted 4/21/2014 21:56 PM

One week ago,Saturday, I found out that my husband of 25 years was having an affair with one of his clients, who also happens be a photographer, on the side. I am trying to keep my sanity, as I have two kids, one with Autism, and one with adhd. I found out via texting on an old phone. Apparently, this affair was concluded at the end of 2013, but starI threwed when I was hadaughter ta hysterectomy in 2012. I am still trying to piece it all together. I'me is very vague on details, due to the fact she is a client. But sure what he was thinking, he could lose his job and his licence. The story is so far out there, it is ridiculous. In the messages, he tells her many times how much he loves her. Ofcourse, I ask, do you, he said no, I said, wtf. So Ofcourse, I am trying to get information on when, why. I researched her, as her business is all over the internet. She is freaking married. I want her to hurt as much as I do, but cannot and will not involve her or her unassuming hubby.. She referenced me, my children, and oh lucky me, I had the pleasure of seeing pictures of her naked body. Yes, i threw up.. She has a daughter as well. She referenced my husband, as her daughter's other daddy. I'm sure her dad at home would be very upset, if he saw this aweful display of parenting. Not really sure how to grasp all of this. Both of my kids take alot of my time, and I work full time. I feel like the earth has cracked, and I am sinking further and further down. I dont have time for this emotional upheaval, I didn't even get to have a nervous breakdown when I was told my son was autistic. I understand that our lives will never be easy, but really,. oSo damn hurt. I cant even look at him.

Broken1Again posted 4/21/2014 23:31 PM

Sorry this has happened to you. Why do you feel you shouldn't involve her BS? I have news for you he is all ready involved. He just doesn't know it yet. I think he deserves to know his wife has been straying. Just like you deserved to know.

A good place to start is in the "Healing Library". Lots of good information there. What is your situation right now? Is your WS remorseful? Is he NC with the OW?

ZedLeppelin posted 4/22/2014 00:21 AM

Expose this to the other husband.

annb posted 4/22/2014 07:46 AM

Hi, trikemom, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

I am so sorry you find yourself here, like you, we betrayed spouses were blindedsided by the person we put our faith and trust in.

I will echo the above posters that you should tell the other spouse. He has a right to know he is living a lie, and his must get tested for STDs (as should you).

This emotional roller coaster is extremely painful and exhausting, but you will get through it with time.

Your husband needs to go NC (no contact) with this woman immediately. No phone, emails, IMs, texts, nothing, nada. Totally transparent with all of his media, phone records, social media, etc. Accountability for his whereabouts at all times. Individual counseling to help him figure out what he was thinking and how he can fix this.

Counseling for you would also be a good idea.

Two books I highly recommend are Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair.

Read the Healing Library. Chock full of information, and information is power.

Keep in mind that he owns his OWN actions. It has nothing to do with you, don't ever allow him to make excuses for his behavior.

1Faith posted 4/22/2014 09:34 AM

Dear Trike

Sorry you find yourself here. Please know that there are many kind people here that have lived through the horror that you are now experiencing.

They share their time and their stories in hopes that it can help others.

You have just been dealt the worst betrayal possible. The hurt and angst is indescribable to someone who has never experienced it.

Breathe for today. One day a time. It takes TIME. You are in shock and understandably so.

Please check out the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of great information for you to read and absorb.

(((gently))) the OW's husband deserves to know. Wouldn't you want him to tell you if he had found out?

It is really new. Take it slow and post often.

We are here and we are rooting for you.

Good luck and God bless.

Mac4 posted 4/22/2014 09:52 AM

trikemom - sorry you find yourself here, but you have come to a safe place for good advice. My d-day is still fairly recent, so I will leave the quality advice to others. But I would encourage you to take care of yourself at this difficult time. The healing library and the FAQ's for the BS along witht he bullseye posts are all good to read.

Best of luck, you are not alone.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/22/2014 11:21 AM

I echo the rest - the right thing to do is tell her husband. He has a right to know his reality, don't you think? Just as we all do.

Just brace yourself because cheaters always lie when they're first caught, and give you a very watered down version of the minimum truth. Unfortunately most of us were trickled-truthed as the months went on, and it's not fun.

Welcome to SI and please know you're not alone.

traditoperanni posted 4/22/2014 12:03 PM

So sorry this has happened. You are getting great advice so please consider what has been said. Having gone through myself, remember to keep an open mind because you
are going to get a lot of bs from your WH.
This is when the lies really surface.
Take your time to consider your options and please
rethink telling ow's bh. If that doesn't rain on their parade nothing will.
Read the healing library and consider IC for yourself.
Take care.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/22/2014 13:33 PM

Take care of yourself and your children. Use them as strength if you need to. Do whatever you can to just power through this very difficult time.

As you will read and see, everyone on here would prefer not to be in this situation, but we are. We all survive. It will feel sometimes like you just can't take it anymore. You can. You will. Know that we are all here for you.

Every minute, leads to every hour, which leads to every day, thus getting us to the next one. Just take care of yourself.

As a BH, my WW came clean to me with her A, but she was not going to had the OM's wife not found out. The OM's wife was going to tell me if my WW didn't. This is very common and you will see everywhere on this site. Do what you feel makes you comfortable, but also think about if you would want to be told if the OW's husband knew what happened.

Come here and come here often. You'll make it. You'll survive. You'll be resilient. You will recover.

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