I am furious for you and really really really want you to read up on the 180 and start following it. It's time to start ignoring your WS and taking care of you.
Together 7 1/2 years
DDay: April 11, 2014
In the meantime, there is plenty for you to read up on. If you haven't already, please take a look in the healing library in the upper left corner. There is a lot of useful information there. You will get hit with a lot of abbreviations and you can find them there. As Broken1Again mentions there is a tool called the 180 that you will want to read up on and decide if you want to use it. It's designed for you to be able to detach and get yourself mentally stronger. Here are some links for you to start with:
It can be found under BS FAQ here:
And more info under the target thread here:
I would also recommend the other target threads that you see in this forum. Here are the links if you don't see them:
Start with those and keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you Classylassy.
It sounds like you have already taken the first steps with consulting an attorney. This is very good. If you can't leave, are there any other options you could explore? What are your thoughts on divorce (D) and does that play a part in you being able to leave?
So sorry for your pain but I am happy that you found us.
Sending you strength and courage to get you through.
Your H's A is not your fault. It does not matter that he was unhappy. He LIED to you for years about his happiness. He gave you ZERO indication of his feelings and chose to have an affair instead. Studies show that over 50% of men say they were happy or very happy in their relationship when they cheated. I'm betting your H is part of that statistic and is now saying he was unhappy to blame you and your M for his affair. Do not accept that blame! You know very well what type of M he portrayed to you and how he lied and is lying once more to cover his ass.
You're right. It's completely and utterly unfair that you have to uproot everything because he cheated. Keep talking to your lawyer and ask if there is any upside to filing that the reason for divorce is infidelity. Ask about full custody when your kids only see their father a couple days a month. If you're a SAHM, ask what you're entitled to. If you don't think your lawyer is going to fight tooth and nail to get you the best deal here, get a second opinion. Stay strong and you will get through this.
I wish I had more time to give you some advice, but let me spit out a few things before I go to work. I don't know the laws of your area, but what I was advised from my L is this. If moving back to your home state/province is important to you, it is best to make that happen while you are still married. Convince him it is a condition of R, you need the support of your family to help with the kids since he is gone most of the time. Move there with his blessing, set up a new home and routine, etc. All the while consulting a L to figure out an exit plan, whether that be D, a post nup, whatever. But if you can get him to agree to move while you are still married, you can do a D in your new home.
Make all communication about the separation, kids, finances, go through your L. This guy si seriously manipulative and not to be trusted an inch. I suspect you have a very very bumpy D ahead. Just don't let him hoover you back--he is so toxic, just keep your mind on that.
It's as if he wants to keep his young girlfriend for a bit longer, then try to reel me back in when he gets bored of her.
Ding ding ding. Please get IC to help heal. You will get over it, yes, but it is devastating to be betrayed in this fashion, and it's so painful at first. It will get better and you will be happy again one day, but it's normal to be lost and overwhelmed at first.
[This message edited by pessimisticynic at 1:15 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
Get thee to a lawyer or three. Find out ALL your options. Do not let him know you are going or what you find out. There may be options you weren't aware of. For me, my L told me about moving with WH's blessing, establishing residency, then filing there to avoid the legal mess. My L also gave me another option, get a post nup that dictates all the terms of D and sets me up to have sole custody so I could move if we did D. I know where I am, if the parent can't commit to at least 40% physical custody (and be there for it) then they really lose a LOT of leverage in court and wind up not having much say in anything. But you won't know what is viable in your area until you explore your options with as many sources as you can.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Your husband is a master manipulator and liar. He is even content to lie to his girlfriends.
He is an absolute prick.
Know that we are here for you. I think in time that you will realise that his refusal to reconcile is a complete blessing.
You are in shock. Surround yourself with friends and family. Get him away from you. Cut the source of your pain. Chop off the gangronous leg that is slowly killing you.
Focus on you children.
Don't let him bully you, sister. And don't tip your hand. Run to the nearest courthouse to get interim custody and show him you are not a pushover. You can do this!
Oh, and document everything. Even if you are tired, and don't want to do it. Write everything down. Any visits, any missed visits. Anytime he calls the children, whether he attends appointments for them etc. You need to make a case for being the primary parent with an uninvolved spouse and thus in need of support from your family.
I'm so angry for you! What an absolute prick! Most lawyers give you the first hour for free. Given the complexity of your situation I'd suggest you book an appt with every lawyer in your area and get as much advice as possible. There must be some way you can move home. If you need to fake it and convince your husband it's part of R (hell, I'd o so far as to say we can have an open marriage just to get him to agree!) then do it. Then file in your home state/province.
I know you just found out and are still new to this but I'd suggest you post in the divorce/separation forum. There are people there who have gone through very messy divorces and may be able to offer you some advice and ideas.
In the meantime, know you have our support and we'llbe here should you need anything.
Hugs to you and your children.