SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Classylassy posted 4/21/2014 22:33 PM

March 11, 2014 will forever be engrained in my mind.
My husband and I have been together almost 12 years, married for 6 years. We have 3 children, ages 9, 5, and 3 months old. We tried to get pregnant with our third child for 18 months before conceiving. I was so happy that our family would be complete. I never ever suspected my husband of cheating. My sister was cheated on, and we were both outraged and felt so bad for her. He would talk down about men who cheated, and would always tell me that I was the only woman he would ever have eyes for. I believed him. He has worked away from home for the past 4 years. Only coming home every 3 weeks for 3 days at a time. It has been a struggle, but I remained faithful to him. Even left all my friends and family and moved across the country with him due to his job.
I only started becoming suspicious 2 weeks before I found out. I asked him 3 times in those 2 weeks, and every time, he looked me in the eye and promised me that he would never do that to me. On March 11th, I went online and checked our phone records. There was a number that was repeatedly called. I dialed the number, and a woman answered. I asked her how she knew (insert husband's name), and she told me he was her boyfriend of 6 months. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. She said she thought we were separated, and that he didn't even mention that me or the kids existed until a month earlier. When I hung up from her, she immediately text my husband, and he did damage control with her, while he ignored me for a week. Two days after I spoke to his girlfriend, I got a call from another woman who said she had been in a sexual relationship with my husband for 18 months, and that they broke things off in January. She said he also told her he had 2 girlfriends before her. She also told me that they never used protection during sex.
I was, and still am, in shock. Complete disbelief that he could lie to me and deceive me over and over again for so many years. Even through my devastation, I prayed for my marriage and attempted reconciliation. My husband declined. Said he was unhappy for years, and that he had "traded up". I am so confused. He never seemed distant, he told me he loved me every day, we tried to get pregnant while he was in relationships with other women. In December he had blown up on me and said some really mean things. I told him if he felt that way, we didn't have to be together. He bawled his eyes out and told me he couldn't live without me. That I was everything to him. Yet he was with 2 other women at that time. I am so confused and hurt. He is 38 years old, I am 31, and his girlfriend is 23.
I want to leave this province to go back to my family, but I have been informed by my lawyer, that if I leave without my husband's consent, I will be charged with kidnapping the children. He told me he will never let me leave, even though he only sees the kids a few days a month. Now I have to go to court to fight to leave. It just doesn't seem fair that he can turn my life upside down, cause me this much pain, and then hold me prisoner. He plays head games with me and tells me that anything can happen in a year's separation. It's as if he wants to keep his young girlfriend for a bit longer, then try to reel me back in when he gets bored of her. Some days I don't even want to go on living. Everyone tells me that I will get over it, but the pain is so raw that it feels like it will never end.

Broken1Again posted 4/21/2014 23:08 PM

I am sorry you have had to find yourself here ... Have you had a chance to read up on the 180 in the healing library? I think it will serve you well. He doesn't talk to you for a week after finding out you know he's cheated? Isn't that considered abandoning of family ??? How are you to know his intentions if he's not answering you?? Are you expected to be a mind reader?

I am furious for you and really really really want you to read up on the 180 and start following it. It's time to start ignoring your WS and taking care of you.

Desirelily posted 4/21/2014 23:23 PM

Classylassy I'm very new here too and know exactly how you feel. The pain is overwhelming from minute to minute sometimes but this place really helps. I wish I had more to say to make you feel better but the truth is that we just had our whole world turned upside down and time and distance is the only thing that's going to help. Hang in there!

yearsofpain25 posted 4/22/2014 06:54 AM

Hi Classylassy. I'm so so sorry you find yourself here, but you have come to the right place. The people who tell you to get over may not know the feeling of this worst kind of betrayal. You will get over it in time, but you have a lot to go through before then. Hang on tight because this is an awful roller coaster ride that you didn't want to get on. There are many of us that know this roller coaster only too well. Know this, you are not alone. There are many of us here with you. Keep posting your story. Even if it's just how you feel at the moment. We are here for you. We understand the injustice of it all, how deep the wounds run. and the fact that this isn't just about you, but your kids and your family as well.

In the meantime, there is plenty for you to read up on. If you haven't already, please take a look in the healing library in the upper left corner. There is a lot of useful information there. You will get hit with a lot of abbreviations and you can find them there. As Broken1Again mentions there is a tool called the 180 that you will want to read up on and decide if you want to use it. It's designed for you to be able to detach and get yourself mentally stronger. Here are some links for you to start with:

It can be found under BS FAQ here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend the other target threads that you see in this forum. Here are the links if you don't see them:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Start with those and keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you Classylassy.

It sounds like you have already taken the first steps with consulting an attorney. This is very good. If you can't leave, are there any other options you could explore? What are your thoughts on divorce (D) and does that play a part in you being able to leave?

So sorry for your pain but I am happy that you found us.

Sending you strength and courage to get you through.

soulshattered posted 4/22/2014 08:01 AM

I really do understand your frustration and your hurt, I am in the midst of my own nightmare as we speak. I don't have a lot of deep and insightful advice, but I will tell you this, the people on this site have an enormous wealth of knowledge on these despicable topics and they give sage advice. The situation you are currently in is raw and new and you're going to go through some really traumatic moments in the next little while, don't make any life altering decisions at this stage, it's really solid advice and you're going to be glad if you follow it. I wish you well and I hope you find the internal strength to rally for your sake and the sake of your children. Be well and take care of yourself first.

nekonamida posted 4/22/2014 08:12 AM

I'm so sorry to see you here. Finding out your H had at least 4 girlfriends over the course of your M and pregnancy? What a massive betrayal especially after your H promised you multiple times you were the only one and derided cheaters! Who knows how many other women he's seen since then. I'm so angry for you and that he's treating you this way.

Your H's A is not your fault. It does not matter that he was unhappy. He LIED to you for years about his happiness. He gave you ZERO indication of his feelings and chose to have an affair instead. Studies show that over 50% of men say they were happy or very happy in their relationship when they cheated. I'm betting your H is part of that statistic and is now saying he was unhappy to blame you and your M for his affair. Do not accept that blame! You know very well what type of M he portrayed to you and how he lied and is lying once more to cover his ass.

You're right. It's completely and utterly unfair that you have to uproot everything because he cheated. Keep talking to your lawyer and ask if there is any upside to filing that the reason for divorce is infidelity. Ask about full custody when your kids only see their father a couple days a month. If you're a SAHM, ask what you're entitled to. If you don't think your lawyer is going to fight tooth and nail to get you the best deal here, get a second opinion. Stay strong and you will get through this.

hathnofury posted 4/22/2014 08:25 AM

(((Classylassy))) I am so sorry. You deserve much better. I totally identify with much of your story, down to the three kids and not being able to leave your current area without charges of kidnapping.

I wish I had more time to give you some advice, but let me spit out a few things before I go to work. I don't know the laws of your area, but what I was advised from my L is this. If moving back to your home state/province is important to you, it is best to make that happen while you are still married. Convince him it is a condition of R, you need the support of your family to help with the kids since he is gone most of the time. Move there with his blessing, set up a new home and routine, etc. All the while consulting a L to figure out an exit plan, whether that be D, a post nup, whatever. But if you can get him to agree to move while you are still married, you can do a D in your new home.

norabird posted 4/22/2014 11:48 AM

How appalling. You have seen who he really is under the mask now--count yourself lucky, I suppose, that you found out before more time went by, and before he possibly had an OC (other child) or passed on an STD to you. Do make sure you get tested though!

Make all communication about the separation, kids, finances, go through your L. This guy si seriously manipulative and not to be trusted an inch. I suspect you have a very very bumpy D ahead. Just don't let him hoover you back--he is so toxic, just keep your mind on that.

It's as if he wants to keep his young girlfriend for a bit longer, then try to reel me back in when he gets bored of her.

Ding ding ding. Please get IC to help heal. You will get over it, yes, but it is devastating to be betrayed in this fashion, and it's so painful at first. It will get better and you will be happy again one day, but it's normal to be lost and overwhelmed at first.

pessimisticynic posted 4/22/2014 13:15 PM

My shock is that they can lie and manipulate and believe they're not doing anything wrong. It hurts because my WBF said the same thing, never cheated and all. But he cheated on me throughout our entire relationship even having a year long + affair this past year. How can they be so vile and despicable? Why say they love you and are happy when they are having P and E A? Sometimes multiple?!?! I've learned there's something seriously wrong with people that are that deluded to believe their own lies. I think the advice to move with his consent to be with family and help with your young ones and then try to figure out what you want to do. Like another person posted, there's a hole in them so deep that can never be filled. You can't change anyone but yourself. I wish you strength to get through this and make the best decision for you and your family.

[This message edited by pessimisticynic at 1:15 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Classylassy posted 4/22/2014 16:06 PM

Thank you for all the responses. I have not checked out The Healing Library yet, but I will. Part of me wishes we could work things out, and part of me wants to move on and never look back. We've been together since I was 19 yrs old. He's the only man I've ever given myself to emotionally, mentally, and sexually. He knows that. He used to always say that he loved how innocent and naïve I was. Now I realize he meant dumb, that he could live a double life without me finding out.
The kids and I were actually planning to move back to my home province this summer, and my husband wanted us to go back too, saying we needed more support, and that he would come and visit every 2 months for a few weeks. When I found out about the infidelity, he changed his mind and said he'd never let us leave.

Raspberry posted 4/22/2014 19:45 PM

I swear it boggles my mind how they can do this to us with not an ounce of remorse while they are doing it. I am so.sorry. None of us deserve this crap.

hathnofury posted 4/22/2014 20:00 PM

((((Classylassy)))) Would he still refuse to move if you told him absolutely you would not consider R without it? That if forced to live there, you would also tell all your family and his family the truth about him? The way I see it, if he is capable of guilt or remorse, he would agree to it. If he doesn't, he's going to be a piece of work to fight in court anyway, he's not ever going to be a candidate for R, so you might as well go scorched earth and tell everyone, file, do whatever it takes to get the custody and legally be able to move. I would think he'd have not much leg to stand on in court since he is never home and could go to you anyway given his vocation.

Get thee to a lawyer or three. Find out ALL your options. Do not let him know you are going or what you find out. There may be options you weren't aware of. For me, my L told me about moving with WH's blessing, establishing residency, then filing there to avoid the legal mess. My L also gave me another option, get a post nup that dictates all the terms of D and sets me up to have sole custody so I could move if we did D. I know where I am, if the parent can't commit to at least 40% physical custody (and be there for it) then they really lose a LOT of leverage in court and wind up not having much say in anything. But you won't know what is viable in your area until you explore your options with as many sources as you can.

hathnofury posted 4/22/2014 20:01 PM

Also please start looking for assistance at domestic violence centers and women's shelters. If he is really going to force you to stay, you need their help to pursue all the avenues you have to get away.

crazynot posted 4/22/2014 23:16 PM

I am so sorry this is happening to you, and please forgive me if my advice sounds a little strong. This man sounds highly manipulative and controlling. HOW DARE HE cheat on you then try to restrict where you go and where you live? And you say your lawyer says you'd be charged with kidnapping? Does your lawyer know everything about what's happened and what he's said? Because surely there are laws to protect you from this... I think the first thing to say is, very gently, you MUST steer yourself away from any thoughts of reconciling with such a terrible, abusive person. Whatever his wails and tears, this is not a man who loves. Secondly, make sure you have THE BEST legal advice, perhaps seek a restraining order, do whatever you can to get the power in your hands to protect your kids - because this does not sound like a fit father either. Thirdly, even if you can't go to your family at present, could one of them come and stay with you? When my life fell apart the BEST thing that happened was my mum (sadly now passed away) came straight away to be with me and the kids. Please, please realise that there are no two ways about this. You are in a highly abusive relationship and this is not a safe situation.

allatsea posted 4/23/2014 06:56 AM

I am so sorry you ended up here. But it's the best place for you to regain your strength.

Your husband is a master manipulator and liar. He is even content to lie to his girlfriends.

He is an absolute prick.

Know that we are here for you. I think in time that you will realise that his refusal to reconcile is a complete blessing.

You are in shock. Surround yourself with friends and family. Get him away from you. Cut the source of your pain. Chop off the gangronous leg that is slowly killing you.

Focus on you children.

AAS

Girlietoo posted 4/23/2014 07:05 AM

I am so sorry. I think you have a good chance of winning in court in terms of moving back. I went through something similar (I'm in Ontario) and I received permission to move. I am hoping you qualify for legal aid, and he doesn't. A long, drawn out court battle might be what he needs to let you go so he can spend his time/money on his recreational pursuits.

Don't let him bully you, sister. And don't tip your hand. Run to the nearest courthouse to get interim custody and show him you are not a pushover. You can do this!

Oh, and document everything. Even if you are tired, and don't want to do it. Write everything down. Any visits, any missed visits. Anytime he calls the children, whether he attends appointments for them etc. You need to make a case for being the primary parent with an uninvolved spouse and thus in need of support from your family.

Howie posted 4/23/2014 08:48 AM

Dear Classy, this is terrible.There is nothing like knowing the person you most loved (except kids) can look you in the face,for years, and lie, put you in the prison of their deceit; there is no pain like it. In my case it, wife's two year affair with "best"friend, it destroyed the old "me." In some ways. A big part of the enduring pain is the alteration of emotions, anger, feelings of deep defeat, nothing to trust, fragile hope, self blame and self contempt, desire for revenge, tendencies towards reconcilation ... you name it.It is a trip that changes you. Only you can ultimately decide you can do with the relationship.Do try to read the literature here.
I do offer this; bad as it,is it gets better.There is a strong essential self in some sense undamaged. You will never be tested like this but it will see you through (help can help counseling, meds, friends, family as needed).
At the end of the process you never wanted is your fuller life, in truth and real value. Don't despair. You can go to hell - and back.

cliffside posted 4/24/2014 09:10 AM

Welcome to the club no wants to join, classy....

I'm so angry for you! What an absolute prick! Most lawyers give you the first hour for free. Given the complexity of your situation I'd suggest you book an appt with every lawyer in your area and get as much advice as possible. There must be some way you can move home. If you need to fake it and convince your husband it's part of R (hell, I'd o so far as to say we can have an open marriage just to get him to agree!) then do it. Then file in your home state/province.

I know you just found out and are still new to this but I'd suggest you post in the divorce/separation forum. There are people there who have gone through very messy divorces and may be able to offer you some advice and ideas.

In the meantime, know you have our support and we'llbe here should you need anything.

Hugs to you and your children.