At the least, he should be in ic. He should be job searching.
He shouldnt be angry and defensive either about the feelings he inflicted on you or his need to prove he is committed.
He should be honest with you about what he's been doing. Is he telling you these things or are you finding out on your own?
the above items do not indicate someone who is full in to you or your marriage.
Are you sure the affair has stopped??
I'm sorry you are here in this situation.
The truth is that anything the WS does that makes you question their commitment to R, their ability to regain trust or think anything other than they are working hard to prove themselves is a red flag right now. It doesn't necessarily mean the A has continued, but it does mean that they haven't yet come to the place you need them to be for R. For many, it means there is more to find. If there isn't, then it simply means that they are still justifying their actions to themselves and are hoping to rugsweep and move on with life without the hard work of facing the cruel reality that they were capable if devastating the person they swore to love and emotionally protect.
When I look back now I wish I had been more aware if what I needed from her. That I had stood my ground and trusted my gut more. That I found the strength to separate rather than let her continue to deceive me when my gut was screaming. There is a thread on this forum that I think is titled "Before You Say R." Try to find it and read it. It helped me.
re MC: I am not sure how helpful that will be, as he doesn't seem to be in a place to reconcile. He needs to figure his stuff out some more first. Just my opinion, but he doesn't seem to be a remorseful supportive WH.
Take care of yourself. You don't need to make any big decisions now. Just work on you.
You will see real changes in his behaviors and actions when he is really committed to reconciling, when he is remorseful, when he is getting it. Not just hear the right words, but see the actions that put you and your needs first.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
[This message edited by rachelc at 8:46 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
Indifference is the ugliest bitch there is in the pursuit of R.
[This message edited by plewpiter at 9:54 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
She is still in the same job (boss in the OP), hasn't gone to IC (even after me asking her to multiple times), dragging her feet at getting rid of old emails, photos, etc. Very little true remorse. She told me she doesn't want to do NC because it would make things awkward at work. Yet I find texts between them talking about personal stuff, things she could choose to not respond to
you don't have to put up with any of this... you could make it a requirement of you giving her the gift of recovery.
She's shown resistance to the full transparency thing in the past, saying she would do it, but afraid it would just drag up old feelings in me if I look back to far. To me, I need to see the context of some of her old "flings" and BFs, etc. She says it'll make me feel bad if she lets me see things from before we were together. Problem is, she lied already about her last BF, who she was bad-mouthing when we first started dating. They were together two years, then she broke it off. I asked her (before we married) if they ever thought of marriage and life together, but she flat out denied any interest, saying he was a big mistake. Well, one of the things I had to discover on my own was that they were actually engaged for a few months. Lies.
So, yes, the nature of previous relationships is important to me, and how I cautiously move forward in R. I also have seen evidence that she was at least in inappropriate contact with other guys while she was married to her first H (who ironically cheated on her and left with the OW). Oh, and the main she had an EA with, her boss, was also an old fling that she reconnected with. I've recently seen her in conversations on facebook with another old fling, reminiscing about how things would have been if they stayed together. Crossing so many boundaries, it makes me physically ill. SI has been a great help in me getting my bearings and understanding my rights.
What I wish I'd known back then was to value myself more, and to send my husband packing when it became clear he was still incapable of getting how huge a trauma this was and what I needed from him to heal. The resistance to privacy invasion, hiding accounts, trickle truthing, telling me to "get past it"--I experienced all of that, and it hurt.
We got through it anyway--something finally seemed to click for him--but I think I could have gotten there quicker and with more dignity and sanity if I'd done the 180 early on and worked on just me. He won't get it until he's ready to really listen, drop the shame and defensiveness, and dig in--and until then, I believe you are better off without him making a shitty situation worse with his complete lack of empathy. Maybe when he sees what he stands to lose, he'll have an aha moment.