I just need to vent about this FOG I loathe. I never heard of such a thing until a week ago when I came upon SI **Hello all!** I know everyone has different opinions but PLEASE do not bash me for anything I am about to say, I have beat myself up plenty for a life time. My story is very complicated (most are?) and I just need support and help sorting thru this mess of my marriage &life. We have been M 8 years (together 11)and had multiple DDays the latest being Jan 26 I found out about A my husband had last Sept-Dec11 (OW ended it by texting him that she was newly married to her ex husband) But even after that he kept his FAKE phone (fake is all he was on it..)to txt send pics and do whatever else his cheating heart desired. Yes, I am angry right now, and trying hard to deal with it... but getting to the point of why I hate the fog (based on my experience with it-def not everyones- no judgement please!!!) The fog is like the evil little demon who whispers lies into your ear and covers your eyes so you can not see the truth in front of you. It plays on your every insecurity & hurt and then feeds you fear. The fear then turns to lies, rugsweeping, irrational, selfish & destructive thinking. I feel sick to my stomach when I go back to when I was in the fog... I Hate that person I was, but am thankful for my awakening that has me on the right path. 5 years since my As (1EA &1PA <6 month time period-truly the lowest point I have been as a person-I was a trainwreck by any definition)My fog was diff than my H because I wasn't hiding that I was having As (don't make it much better, I know- DO NOT EVER DO WHAT I DID PLEASE) I was in so much pain and had all this anger/resentment bottled up inside me that it ate away my core. I was dead inside. I let myself crash & burn. That was my fog- the lies I told myself to believe that what I was doing was owed to me, that I might feel better, that I could not feel anything worse then I was already feeling and tons of other stupid things an empty person would believe. My H on the other hand is a serial cheat, and I am pressing about SA (NO IC for him, he has met with a religious figure 3-4 times alone and then I have gone with him there 1 time (2nd apt with him tomrw) we are in MC (only had 2 sessions-made appt with a diff counselor)I had my first IC last week but always email regularly with a religious mentor (no open support anywhere else about these issues)He is still not waking up, owning up, hes blaming me (which worked before, but I refuse to let my guilt of the most shameful time in my life EXCUSE away his bad behavior & risky choices (yes, I RAN to get checked for everything)Although DDAY 3 months ago, he still has not come clean about everything but after the fight we had today he says I will get the rest of his timeline tonight.. I really want him to just lay it all out but it is so hard to believe when I see him still acting in a way that only this "fog" can explain. UGGHHH I am so frustrated. I just want to get through to him, he seems like he really wants to R but he is just not getting it. I know I cannot force him to do anything, and he has a lot he needs to work through on his own self as a person (he says this, has been attending church regularly- which makes him a happy person, and he seems to be enjoying)I feel like there is nothing I can do, its all in his hands and there is no hope as long as he hides in that excusing fog. End of angry hurt rant
3 awesome kids! (My light)
It's possible that people are having trouble reading it because it's all one big paragraph and it's difficult to parse out who did what, and when.
From what I can see, you both have a long, long road ahead of you, if you decide to remain together.
I didn't see any healing on your part, just regret. I see impatience for your WS to make progress. I don't see any real IC for either of you, except some religious counseling.
With that as a basis, it seems like an ideal setup for rug-sweeping, resentment, and escalation.
Please seek help, and keep posting.
I feel like there is nothing I can do, its all in his hands and there is no hope as long as he hides in that excusing fog.
You always have power in your relationships. You don't have to wait on him. If he won't de-fog, you can draw your line in the sand, and kick him off the fence. He does not get to blame you, though you do have to own your shit about your own previous A's.
I'm sorry you had to find us Jbluebird. You and your WH have a long and complicated road behind you. The road ahead will be complicated too, R or D, and whether he goes to church or not--give me actions over big gestures of salvation anytime, personally.
I am so glad to have found this site, I know it will play a big role in sorting this mess, my feelings as well as my H behaviors out. I know I have grown as a person but still have things I need to change (not as far as having as A - I am FAR from that lesson.)
We went to our appointment this morning and I think we had a break through. My H confessed a lot about the last 2 years and although I still have a lot of questions to ask and the urge to verify he's telling the whole truth, he has been remorseful and willing to talk and answer any questions. He broke down a few times today and has said things I felt coming out of my fog that lead me to believe we are on the path of R. Such as, how did I become this horrible person? I know that we need to figure out the underlying issues he has and I am happy he is finally thinking that. I know after so many hurtful things we have both done this path will be long and hard. So far we have dealt with our issues every wrong way possible so I guess I'm just trying to make sure we do everything right. At this point there is no room for error on either part.
What I am working hard on for myself- Being patient and understanding. I can relate, although our situations are diff. Controlling my anger(¬ bottling-IMPORTANT but very hard to decipher for me) And just trying to hold it all together. I have a ton on my plate. I have a lot of insecurities & depression. I am hard on myself, which I've deserved... at this point I need a change. Completely something new. Or nothing at all because it is not healthy.
[This message edited by Jbluebird at 1:42 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]