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4 years in, another dday

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kiki1 posted 4/22/2014 00:40 AM

I learned today that ow #1 was a 3 year affair, not 1 as he always claimed.

And that means that he juggled ow 1 & 2 & me all at the same time.

Send the 2x4's, I know I shouldve given this up a long time ago.

All this time, hoping we would still make it. Still didnt want to acknowledge the signs he had moved way beyond me and wasn't coming back.

I let him back home with no real work on his part. TT for all these years. Broke NC. May still be ow #1's "friend". IDK. He told me the ddays would end when i stopped "digging". Mocks me being on this site, but has never read any book I brought him. Skimmed one article i printed out.

I've been such a goddamn ass. Now I'm stuck, he wont leave unless we sell the house.

I cant sleep. My stomach is a bundle of knots. He is sound asleep next to me. No worries.

I cannot go on anymore with him. I want this more than he does. I feel like an even bigger fool. What else is he keeping from me? Why do peopel treat others they "love" this way?

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/22/2014 00:51 AM


I'm so sorry.

BeautifulEmpty posted 4/22/2014 00:51 AM

He's not remorseful.
If you think he's already moved so far beyond you, then it's time for you to move on too. At least, that's my take BUT I'm also one who holds on way too long so I hear you.

Even if you've already done it, it sounds like it's time for a refresher on the 180.
It's time to pull it out full force. Let him feel what it's like to have a world without you in it. You obviously need some peace.
My H used to lay by me, snoring away while I cried my heart out into an already damp pillow. The OW mocked me about it, saying how I wasn't worth anything to him because of how he'd sleep while I cried. I totally feel you.
I hadn't found SI yet.
I'm so sorry :/

nowiknow23 posted 4/22/2014 00:54 AM

Oh, honey. I'm so very sorry. ((((kiki))))

First things first - you have NOT been an ass. Not by a long shot. You have nothing to be ashamed of in trying to fight for your marriage.

He told me the ddays would end when i stopped "digging".
The fact of the matter is that the ddays COULD stop by him being transparent and fully honest with you. He doesn't want that. He wants to keep his secret life secret. With this guy, you will never be sure that you know everything. You can't build on that. His words and actions make him a cruel and heartless SOB in my book.

No 2x4s coming from me. I would encourage you, however, to see a lawyer ASAP to find out where you stand and get an idea of what you can expect. Knowledge is power, honey.

Big hugs.

mainlyinpain posted 4/22/2014 01:00 AM


So sorry for your new pain. I know it well, being blindsided by the discovery of lies that makes the story much worse.
My WH also mocks my involvement here, disparaging any info I get here as not coming from "professionals".

I have also been told that my pain is because of my "digging" and not because of what I have "dug". My WH also can fall asleep while I am dying and crying.

I think we have to realize that our WH are not quite dealing with a full deck. And that we have to focus on ourselves. At least that is what helps me focus on sanity. I try to find my happy elsewhere and am just coasting with this marriage to avoid pain until I see if there is anything salvageable. Because all that has to come from him and his choosing or not to do the work.

Ostrich80 posted 4/22/2014 02:43 AM

Don't beat yourself up. I did the same thing, let ws stay with promises that never happened, then another DD. I remember lying in the same bed, bawling like a baby with him sawing logs. Time to focus on your future and what you want. Sometimes optimism is a curse, even when you feel something isn't right but yiu still hold on to the hope that they will get it one day. I wish you strength to navigate through and peace in whatever road you choose.

Sadmumma posted 4/22/2014 06:08 AM

KIKI so sorry your here.. the things we do hey. Look into property law. In some areas, WH cannot force the sale of the property if there are children involved. If you can meet the financial commitment he may not be able to force sale until you re marry or the youngest child turns 16.

Schadenfreude posted 4/22/2014 07:12 AM

Don,t value the house over your sanity. There is one way to get him out. Divorce and sale of house. Sure, you won't be living there any more, but you also won't be forced to live with him.

I'm not a divorce advocate, but it seems like you are a prisoner in your marriage with the house being the prison.

tushnurse posted 4/22/2014 07:23 AM


This is a crappy situation for sure. But do not allow yourself to feel like an ass or a fool. You were doing the honorable thing to try to R, he is obviously the ass and fool, and very broken. He is being verbally abusive to you, by making fun of you, he does this to only make himself feel bigger, stronger, and better. He is not.

It is time for you to make your To Do List, and to implement a hard 180. He has no intrest in changing, and won't. YOU deserve much more out of life. Time to go get it.

To Do Tuesday April 22 2014
1. Get an appointment with at least one D attorney.
2. Get an appointment to get tested for STD's one more time.
3. Read up on 180. Reread up on 180.
4. Get a Journal either pen to paper or use the computer, but find an outlet to get your feelings out. This will give you strength and clarity.
5. Do one nice thing for yourself today, a pedi, a mani, a long bath, a nice walk with your favorite tunes.

You will survive this, and a year from now you will look back and be amazed at how much stronger you are, and that you can feel truly happy again.

Keep reading, and keep posting. You are a smart strong, vibrant, capable woman, who deserves much more than the abuse of this weak little man.

((((and strength))))

Williesmom posted 4/22/2014 08:02 AM


What an ass. Focus on yourself and your needs.

HardenMyHeart posted 4/22/2014 11:01 AM

He told me the ddays would end when i stopped "digging".

There are some that believe there is nothing wrong with cheating on your spouse and fidelity is some silly old fashioned concept. They may take it so far to even mock others for their moral beliefs.

In my opinion, your WH just gave you notice that you are in an open marriage; whether you want it or not. Stop beating yourself up, and start making choices on whether or not you want to live with an immoral person. Personally, I could not live someone with your WH's belief system.

So sorry for what you are going through.

ETA: As usual tushnurse's advice is spot on. Please listen to her.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:03 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

steadfast1973 posted 4/22/2014 11:34 AM

There are some that believe there is nothing wrong with cheating on your spouse and fidelity is some silly old fashioned concept. They may take it so far to even mock others for their moral beliefs.


Now I'm stuck, he wont leave unless we sell the house

That's his way of controlling you... So, if he won't leave, you leave. and

He told me the ddays would end when i stopped "digging".

Yep, and it was a lie. I quit looking, thinking his EA was a "close call" "that time he almost cheated". He just behaved himself until he was sure I'd stopped looking.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 11:35 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

kiki1 posted 4/22/2014 17:17 PM

Thank you all for supporting me when i had no one else.

I cant really leave the house as i have 3 cats, 3 dogs and a rabbit. I would never get a place unless i bought again. I dont know if i can do that and i have nowhere else to go.

I did some research today and its not all bad. I may just be able to buy him out with a lump sum and the remainder in payments.

Yes, i will speak with a divorce lawyer first.

And I'm ready to focus on me and get off the rollar coaster. Its been a helluva 4 year ride.

Still kind of stunned at his selfishness. To waste an opportunity to rebuild your marriage and family after destroying it. Mind boggling. To rebuild on lies. I dont get it and i find it unacceptable.

3 years instead of 1. Well, now that raises a whole bunch of other questions that will never be answered.

Thank you so much all, have a peaceful night.

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/22/2014 17:57 PM

kiki1, everyone else has pretty much said anything I was gonna say to you. Main thing I want to reiterate is that you are NOT an ass... But boy do I know the feeling! We may beat ourselves up for a moment, but we have to stop ourselves as quickly as we can and keep getting support from ppl in your corner, like any of us here on SI, or trusted family or friends.
I offer you many ((HUGS)) as I too know what it feels like to watch my fWH sleep soundly as I cry till my pillow's soaked.
I pray you find peace and clarity soon!

Hope2B posted 4/22/2014 20:45 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this.

He told me the ddays would end when I stopped "digging."
This is faulty logic, and manipulation to get what he wants. What a recalcitrant, manipulative child he is.

Unfortunately, he probably IS keeping a lot more from you, because his whole focus is to cover his anatomy and keep you *in your place* by scaring you/manipulating you into what he wants.

Mocks me being on this site
Mocking you is his way to grab power by denigrating you and being disrespectful to you. He is trying to diminish your sense of self-worth.

You might want to have a Plan B is he refuses to let you buy him out of the house. As you explore this with your Attorney, perhaps there are other options that you haven't thought of yet.

I'm holding a good thought for you!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 8:47 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Dallas2 posted 4/23/2014 12:12 PM


I absolutly hate TT. I feel it destroys more than the actual A. I am also 4 years out. I know I don't have all the answers and never will.

I gave it my all. I tried everything I could think of to save my M. I woke up one day and realized my M was already gone. He had taken it away and was doing nothing to help build the new one.

I am filing for D we will have a long hard time of it because of the financial stuff but I can see me walking away from that too just to be done.

I am sorry you H is so awful to you.

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/23/2014 13:54 PM

So sorry; such a gift to let him back, and he mocked you? You deserve to be treated so much better and valued so much more. I cannot offer any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that you deserve far better than it seems he was capable of giving to you.


flygirl96 posted 4/23/2014 14:39 PM

so sorry Kiki!

wanttogoforward posted 4/23/2014 17:24 PM

The ddays end when you stop digging???? No offense if you don't like swearing but screw him!!!!

The ddays should end when he finally tells you ALL of the damn truth. You deserve to know all of it so you have the complete knowledge to make a decision to move forward with him or without him.

It's like he is leading you around and one of your eyes is covered. You can see some of it, but not all of it and you want to see it all so you can be clear about what you are dealing with. Your brain knows it's only seeing part of the picture, and it knows there is more to see and it wants to but it cannot.

He has no guilt and will likely never stop what he is doing.... and he may even be telling you indirectly there is SOOO much more to find.

I guess the question is.... if there are many more what does this mean to you? Do you want to go on with him if there are more yet? Do more affairs than the two mean this is a deal breaker? What do YOU want? That's all that matters in the end.

justasinger posted 4/23/2014 17:37 PM


(my left arm is stronger than my right)

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