'HER LIFE WAS FUCKED UP- HER SITUATION'!!!!!!
He said he won't deny he thought about it- like I couldn't tell that from the gifts and emails he sent??????
The part of it that makes me feel the worst is that I was hoping to hear the "I couldn't do it because it would hurt you. It would hurt my kids. It would destroy the life we built together. It was wrong. I loved you." Not one of those things were said and today I feel like I am destroyed..... am I surprised? Not at all- I could tell from the wording of those emails it was only a matter of time till sex happened- I got in the way of that.
And then he made it worse by saying he would understand and forgive/move on if I were to have an A... a 'hall pass' so to speak! Damnit! I have boundaries and always have! Do guys hit on me??? Hell yeah, but I remain within my respected boundaries. My thoughts have ALWAYS gone to my H and kids FIRST.
It's fucked up and it's selfish.... to only think of yourself
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Another example of how selfish they are at controlling everything. Even our recovery. He knew that I would have dropped his ass if he admitted that from the beginning.
I would be wary of the "free pass". Sounds like he feels overly guilty for just an "EA" to me.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 3:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
We talked, and I feel it didn't go so well. I told him how it hurt to have HER as the reason he didn't take it to a PA and how I wanted to hear that his family are his first priority.
Of course I was told that this was misunderstood and that I was always the first priority for why he didn't sleep with her- hopefulmother- thanks for the warning that it was likely PA. The ONLY reason I am quite certain it was not was due to the lack of opportunity they had. Shortly after I found the EA she moved hours away. Plus she was preggers with yet another kid (no worries- she was PG before she met H).
The reason I have such a hard time believing 'I' was ever the priority is because when I confronted him with email evidence he went into such damage mode... changed passwords.... etc. he took NO responsibility for his actions cause they were 'just friends'..... Even after I knew he still talked to her, emailed multiple times a day, flirted, sent gifts, etc...... and he tells me I was the first priority in his life.
If this is how the first priority is treated I cannot imagine how an enemy would be treated.
I get where the hall pass bullshit comes in because he did have a PA as we were engaged and I didn't know until several kids and years later. Then he walked out on us once when the kids were young with NO explanation- I always suspected another woman- no confirmation on that ever, and he always denies. Then this last EA. I know he feels guilty about it all- guilt is not what I want him to feel- I want action- strong action proving he is in this marriage with both feet. And I told him that last night. I told him if he couldn't live with the consequences of the hole in my heart that might never close completely then he should not be married to me.
I do have a few days away from him due to work so I can decompress and think about what it is I can live with.
The thing of it is I admit to having not a lot of sympathy for his trigger- I have them ALL the time and I cannot avoid the trigger places- the place he wanted to take her to eat, certain treats on store shelves, holidays. I CANNOT AVOID these things, and thought he should just go get over his trigger.... maybe it was selfish on my part. I recognize that and feel bad in part. I took care of his trigger by going there myself so he didn't have to. I DID make it clear that because he triggered he should understand MY triggers- only he should multiply how he felt times 1,000! He didn't have much to say after that. All I can hope is that this trigger is a lesson for him in empathy for me.
Any WS that believes that (as that was my fWH excuse as well "just friends that I was getting to know" "it didn't mean anything" "I didn't think I was doing anything wrong as long as I didn't sleep with her")needs some education on EAs. Print out stuff from the healing library for him to read. Purchase the "Not Just Friends" book. He clearly has boundaries issues and after all this time, has yet to do some deep soul searching. He also hasn't done much to heal himself or change himself. It is still all about him and his loss.
I am glad he wants to R. But, don't let that crap be used as an excuse. He needs IC and he needs to dig deeper than that. If he is still triggering...there are some emotional issues and attachment to the A that really need addressed.
So sorry that you have to focus on not only your healing after several A's, but he is dragging you through his as well.
And I can so absolutely relate to what you are saying about everything. That deeply embedded sense of entitlement that the WS just cannot articulate and likely ever admit to, the selfishness of the entire act..... All I want him to tell me is that I didn't matter. I just want him to be honest about that.
And then I want to hear why I'm worth repairing the relationship... When I ask him this question, all I get is "I wanted to see if there was anything left for us". What? Like I don't have any redeeming qualities? So then I ask another way (just in case he misunderstood me the first time). I ask "why do you love me"? And the reply I get is "I don't know, I just love you"
So let me get this straight. You have a 2 year EA/PA and you were ready to leave me until she dumped your ass, and now you can't tell me why I am worth it or why this marriage is worth repairing???? And I'm supposed to feel good about this???
As for getting him to read the books.... I bought them! Many of them! Over a year ago.... and he briefly read part of Not Just Friends and then quit! A few months ago I hid them just to see if he would ever ask for them back to actually read. He hasn't! I guess I am not shocked about that.
The sad part is I love him. And I know on some level he loves me back. I am certain that when his EA started it WAS truly innocent and he didn't intend for it to become what it did. Saying that tho does not make the pain go away. It does not invalidate the hurt he caused and the damage I still feel years later. He did do many things over the past few years to attempt to make me feel better but it is still just not enough. I know his reading those books might help, but doubt if he will. I do think he is still very guilt ridden over the whole thing, and wonder why so much guilt.....
I will say during our conversation he said he just wants me to be happy again- with or without him, and he would understand either way as he deserves whatever is coming since he destroyed me. On some level I think he gets the damage he did.... I'm just not so sure he feels this life changing event for me is as big for him.... maybe he won't get it until the roles are reversed- he said a physical affair would feel more damaging to him and wanted to know how I would feel. To me there is NO DIFFERENCE! PA or EA- I've been the BS for BOTH! It sucks and neither were easy to absorb and recover from.
This last A was the hardest likely because I thought our M was great- we got along and agreed on almost everything, rarely fought, had a good sex life, talked like we were best friends, everything. Maybe that is why it is taking me sooo long to move forward, even though I desperately want to.