You mentioned in your profile that you detached from your marriage at some point....
This is a continual source of exploration for me/us.
I operated under the somewhat false assumption that this happened to us too.
The more accurate answer for us is more likely to be that we never really attached....really bonded.
We did the best we could but our respective FOO coping mechs and choices influenced by them effectively walled each other off from bonding in healthy, interdependent ways.
We oscilated between independence and co-dependent cycles.....
We used porn in our pre-A M...me more so than my wife, but she used it too. This was us reaching for false-intimacy. Wife reached for adultery...another false intimacy.
Saw an diagram once....bare with me as it may help you too.
Picture a box.
Upper left corner is you and your spouse acting independent.
Upper right corner is you and your spouse operating in codependent nature.
Lower left is false intimacy. (Workaholism, hobbies, adultery, porn, kid-centric marriages. volunteerism, lots of stuff here)
Lower right is mature intimacy...also referred to as interdependence.
For us.....I don't believe we ever got to mature intimacy. Further more, I don't think we ever observed or were mentored as to what mature intimacy was. We simply did not know how to do interdependence.
Now....I do think we slowly turned away from each other....almost like when we met and decided to get married we were HOPEFUL that healthy intimacy was possible with each other and were willing to take the risk of trying for it. Sadly, neither of us had the skills necessary to do this.
Over time we failed to mature our intimacy...failed to deepen that bond.
This was a result of walls and coping mechs we built and developed during our formative years.
Caution: Your affair is your shit to own....but you both had a hand in a broken marriage pre-A.
This is where I pray a specific prayer for your husband. I pray he finds the courage to admit he was hurt by your actions while being able to keep from choosing equally destructive actions.
We are all parts of broken marriages....but only some reach for adultery. We all have a role to improve ourselves, to seek our own "whys" and see what the motivations for our actions are.
The fact that your husband is apparently so aggressively seeking such known destructive actions really needs to become a source of searching for HIM. There is something broken in him that makes this an active choice....and I submit it is NOT only your affair.
I admit to you that upon my DD I increased my use of porn. Wife could care less. It was at that point that I questioned my OWN actions....why was I doing what I was doing. All of my motivations became a source of investigation for me.
I came to the very shocking very clear conclusion tthat porn was destructive to me. It hurt my relationship with God, it hurt my wife, it hurt my marriage and it was hurting my family. All of this was shocking to me...I honestly felt for decades I was a normal man. It took me a couple of months to come to the real truth. It took me another couple of months to break out of that cycle. It has taken me over a year being porn free to really embrace that I am much healthier without it.
I chose as I did NOT to save my M....I did it to save myself. I did it to stop hurting myself. In turn my relationship with God and everyone else has improved.
Some people go through this life without realizing their own destructive choices...blaming others for their hurts and pains. I hope your husband is NOT one of them. My wifes fAP is one....at least at this time. He found another willing woman within 2 months of dumping my wife.
You mentioned in your profile you maintained your fog for 4 years.....my wife was in a fog for 3-4 months. So I don't have an answer for how long a spouse should try to R a M.
I get Karma's point...that your husband is actively engaged in destructive actions. You must protect yourself and your family NOW. But not sure this means D....that will be a choice you will have to make.
Try and find ways to live in the present and find hope for the future. Don't listen to the lies that your past defines you.....that will just limit your healing and growth.
You ARE more than just your affair. I am more than just my porn use. Yes, dreadful decisions were made and they have consequences. But you living in shame and stopping short of your potential is NOT one of them....that is your choice to make.
I so feel your pain. I don't PM female SI member....keep finding ways to create new boundaries and firm up old ones.
Keep the faith.