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Four years out

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Dallas2 posted 4/22/2014 09:01 AM

I actually went through my 4th antiversary without a major melt down. Actually I didn't even think about it. Yeah!

Now I am really depressed. I have to ask myself why? My answers are scary.

You're an idiot is first. What did H do to help get us this far? Answer to that - Not much.

Everything is hunky-dory as long as I don't make waves. IE bring up his A. I realize I am not like him and can stuff it away.

Second- I don't want to be married to him anymore. This one hit me by surprise and now I have to deal with and wonder why?

I think there are lots of reasons but the main ones are he had an A and then lied and lied about it. Even after he admitted he still lied.
I don't trust him has come out of this but worse than that is I really don't care I want out of the M. I am slow it took 7 years to get him to admit to his A and me 4 to realize I want out.

norabird posted 4/22/2014 11:04 AM

Everyone has their own pace. If you're done, you're done. You can sit on it for a while, or tell him how you feel.

Being with someone who cannot allow you to talk about this is so hard. How could anyone heal or feel intimacy in that situation?

Peace and strength to you.

nekonamida posted 4/22/2014 14:01 PM

I'm happy for you. From reading your profile and posts, it really doesn't look like your H ever put in real effort to R and that echos in the fact that you're not allowed to even talk about the A. It smacks of regret but not remorse. Nora's right. That is no way for you to heal! You've done the heavy lifting. Here is the result and it's not what you want to continue on with. Much better 4 years down the road than 5, 7, or 10!

If I was in your shoes, I'd reach out to your son. If you think he tried to help save the M or was involved in knowing about the A, it's time to get the full story and relieve him of carrying that burden alone. It would have been really hard for him if he had to lie, cover up, or carrying around the shame of your H's A. You've been here quite some time so maybe you know of yearsofpain25's story where it was his mother who cheated? Children whose parents are involved in As are often very hurt by the experience especially if they were pawns in covering it up. If you want to help him, talk to him about it. Refer him to IC if you think it would help him. Help him help you process the A as a family and move forward together.

kiki1 posted 4/22/2014 14:38 PM

I'm right there with you Dallas2.

And while it hurts, in its own way, its a relief isnt it?


BreatheAgain10 posted 4/22/2014 17:40 PM

Omgosh Dallas2, your feelings echo what mine were just last week!
I'm also 4 years out and started freaking out a bit lately after a couple years of being pretty OK.
Only difference is my fWH has done a great deal to help us R but just slipped up recently where he didn't want to bring up his A anymore, falsely thinking I was healed enough by now.
I have more clarity this week and have gathered my thoughts with much help and advice from the members here on SI.
I hope you get the same support from all of us for whatever you decide to do.

Dallas2 posted 4/24/2014 09:04 AM

Kiki1- it hurts like he!!. I am glad I gave the M time to make it. I realize I just didn't want to be a failure. I know I am NOT! He was and is.
I am beginning to wonder what is waiting for me out there and finding it very exciting. Bad me??

BreatheAgain10- We were also doing pretty well and building a life together. This may sound stupid but I am having surgery and he wanted me to have it on a certain day so he wouldn't miss time from work. What a thing to set me off but it has. He brought out to light that he had never really done the things I asked him to and the I was the one rug sweeping it. Not sure what's next but I am leaning towards D. Hope you make it. I think a helpful FWS helps a lot.

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