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Wanting/waiting and new BS welcome

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Blaster110 posted 4/22/2014 09:08 AM

First a little background, I am a combat wounded veteran with combat PTSD. I haven't had a healthy relationship ever in my life. So at a certain time in my life I just stopped caring if I ever had one. Then I met this amazing woman and she was everything that I had ever dreamed for in a woman. I asked her to marry me and everything was great. However, I was living a lie because I hadn't got rid of the lady I was seeing before. So I was lying to the woman of my dreams hiding this other part of me. The whole time I was pulling away from the OW not seeing her very much but I was still stringing her along with text and conversations. I finally decided to end it and went to the OW house to return her property and say goodbye. We'll she got angry and everything blew up and we'll she called my BS and we'll from there it's been hell. She hates me so much and just keep saying she doesn't see how she can ever love me again. She feels it was all a lie. I don't feel it was. My feelings for her are very real. I know I have an addiction or problem and I have started IC. How can I help her get through this pain? Should I just leave her alone? I am at a lost like I said I haven't had these feelings for anyone in the past and I am scared the death of losing her. Please help.

Deeply Scared posted 4/22/2014 09:31 AM


Are you asking how to help the OW through her pain?

I'm a little confused

Blaster110 posted 4/22/2014 09:56 AM

Oh no. There is no contact with the OW. I am referring about my spouse.

Aubrie posted 4/22/2014 10:14 AM

Blaster, welcome to SI.

I recommend starting with the Healing Library. (Yellow box to the left)

There's also a short book you can find on Amazon. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".

You got a long road ahead of you. While you don't feel your marriage is a lie, certainly you can understand why should would, yes? The entire marriage, you've had a piece on the side. How could that be love? How could your wife possibly feel like she's enough? And please, don't take this as hating on you or bashing you. Those are just a couple thoughts on the tip of the iceburg that your wife is feeling.

It takes lots of time and consistency. Figure out your whys. Why you shut down emotional. Why you justified and rationalized. Fix your broken. Kwim?

Anyway, welcome. Hope you stick around.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/22/2014 10:35 AM

Blaster, thank you for your military service, and I hope you've had professional counseling for PTSD. Hopefully your therapist is telling you escapism isn't uncommon in PTSD sufferers. Even though it's not uncommon, your BW is deeply hurt all the same.

She feels it was all a lie. I don't feel it was.

Repentant wayward lesson number one: always validate your BS's feelings. Can you see how, based upon the evidence, she thinks your M was all a lie? You don't have to agree, but if you can drop your defenses and say, "Yes, I've been lying to you for our entire M. You're the only woman I've ever loved, and I hurt you, and I'm so sorry."

The worst thing you can say, when she says your M has all been a lie, is, "No, I don't feel it was."

Do you see what I'm getting at here? I'm not saying your feelings are irrelevant, because they're not. And I get how hard it is, to hear things like that from our BS. A natural human reaction, when we feel attacked or called out, is to defend ourselves. Catch yourself when you feel defensive, take a breath, and try to see it from her side.

You're in for a very rough go. Wayward lesson number two: if your wife chooses to reconcile, expect her to feel very hurt, sad, and angry for two years. Or more.

Blaster110 posted 4/22/2014 11:42 AM

I have owned my lies and discretion. I will accept the outcome as well because it is my fault. I do acknowledge her feelings and I deserve the bad stuff that comes my way. I was just asking if there was anything I can do to help her. I am remorseful of my actions and I will live with them everyday. I just don't feel like she should have to. Ugh.

Escapism isn't what I was living. It was my ego and caring about myself over everyone else. I have done that for so long that I have had to learn how to care or let someone care for me. I was living in reality. I knew if I got caught what would happen. Just wish I had known the destruction I would have caused her because I haven't thought about anyone but myself.

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