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Enough tests already!

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olwen posted 4/22/2014 09:19 AM

Ugh! We are trying so hard and making big changes. H is controlling his defensiveness and I am doing really well not letting the A rule my life. I know it was only a week or so ago we rowed and said we weren't in R but we definitely are now. Events have made us pull together rather than apart.

I don't think many people saw my post of a few days ago cos of the hols but what happened was his first love from about 22 years ago pm'd him on facebook apologising for hurting him and wishing him well. she made a reference to something she did that was wrong early in our relationship so I got him to ask her about it so I could make sure there were no previous affairs, there weren't, apparently she was meant to have tried to split us up back then. There was a weird phone call from a friend of hers but h told me at the time and refused her offer to meet up. There is more to it but too long to go into. The important thing was he told me as soon as he saw the message and told me to look at it then we replied to her together. H told her we were married and had been together and happy for 19 years and that nothing she had done had hurt 'us' so no harm done. He was great, made himself clear then stopped replying. We found out what she was on about then both blocked her.

So, great, that's a huge trust builder.

BUT, the ex he flirted with on line was another test. She started working at our local supermarket after moving back to our town. Again he came straight home and told me. I don't mind him being polite in passing with her as he got a shock when he saw her in the flesh and wondered what he had ever seen in her, but he rushes past and only says hi if he has to. When he flirted with her she cut him off quickly and made it plain they were only friends. So I feel a bit safer with her. It was his moment of stupidity flirting, not her. Thing is, lately she keeps shouting hi at him when he ignores her in passing. He wants to keep strong boundaries and not talk to her but she must be wondering what she has done wrong to an old friend for him to be ignoring her, she did nothing wrong only him. He says he has no reason to talk to her but every time he sees her he tells me. I know it's a good thing he tells me but it's winding me up, seems to be every time he goes there.

Then today his AP who he got moved away from him at work tried talking to him today! She was moaning how everyone was getting at her cos she is rubbish at her job. H just got the part he went to fetch and said 'well I can't help that' and walked out.

So, he is handling things brilliantly! 10/10. It's great he tells me every thing no matter how large or small. My problem is it seems non stop! I just wish they would all go away! Why do women keep trying to get his attention? This never used to happen. He had no contact with exes or female colleagues until a few years ago but now they are all cropping up. I am trying to see it as fate giving him chances to prove I can trust him now and feel safe but I wish it would stop!

* TMI - Just as all this is going on we start to have problems in our love life too This contact from his first love has thrown us back together but now he can't finish! I am trying not to worry as he is on the same meds that killed my sex drive all those years but I can't help internalising it a bit. He is seeing the dr this week to start weaning off them now we are through the worst (hopefully) and he is feeling lots better. If he finds he still needs them he is going to ask for the one I am on as it has no sexual side effects. Hopefully this will be sorted soon*

His ex love is a slim blonde, his ex he flirted with a slim feisty brunette - I can't help feeling jealous and worried. It's hard when I see pics of them on facebook. So, we have blocked them.

My insecurity is raw right now so I have decided to start that diet and exercise regime. I figure if I like what I see in the mirror I won't feel as threatened by these women. That's the plan anyway!

If you're listening fate I get the message already! You can put these women back in their boxes now - please?!

sisoon posted 4/22/2014 09:55 AM

OK...out of a closet with TMI....

After D-Day, I often couldn't have an orgasm or ejaculate.

You know what? I still liked sex just fine. Sex without orgasm is just next to sex with orgasm in my hierarchy of fun things to do. 3+ years out, I have the problem only rarely, so time helped me a lot.

I urge you to talk with your H about this.

BTW, you're responsible for your O, and he's responsible for his. I think that's just an extension of '70s feminist thinking....

Kelany posted 4/22/2014 10:02 AM

My husband had huge difficulties with orgasming once he was put on effexor. I totally internalized it. It took time fir me to really understand in my heart it was the meds. I knew it in my head.

He recently saw my psychiatrist. He had his testosterone checked and it was quite low, so now he's getting injections, and he had his meds changed to vybriid. No problems at all with ejaculation.

He still enjoyed sex however when he couldn't finish. He was all about pleasing me. He said to make up for the years where he selfishly only looked after himself.

olwen posted 4/22/2014 10:03 AM

Thanks Sisoon, that's what he says too. He said it can be a plus as we can enjoy it for longer he was mostly concerned I would worry he doesn't find me attractive after the A. Thankfully I know the side effects of this drug well enough to know the most likely culprit. We are trying to treat it as no big deal.

olwen posted 4/22/2014 10:08 AM

Thanks Kelaney, he is on citalopram (celexa) and it did the same to me when I took it so neither of us are really surprised, just a bit frustrated - pardon the pun. We will no doubt take the opportunity to focus on me for a bit. I am still rusty after so many years on it and am relearning my sexuality. Hopefully as he has only been on it a few months things will improve when he has weaned off. He only really needed it to get through a rough patch but I know there are alternatives if he finds he still needs help.

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