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Too Much TT

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Mindfully posted 4/22/2014 09:46 AM

Ugh. Is there anything worse than TT? I found out about my SO's affair with OW1 in mid-February when I found an email between them. A week later, I found out about a second affair via an email. My SO swears there were no other affairs during our relationship, and I'm inclined to believe him, but information and details around the affairs has been spotty (although I think I've got it all now, or as much as I need to know) and occasionally wrong.

However, other details keep coming out of the woodwork. Yesterday I found out that he had erased a years worth of emails from a female friend while I was away on vacation just after my first DDay. He says there was no affair with this woman, but he did complain about me to her, and didn't want me to see the details of what he said because he thought it would hurt me.

I'm inclined to believe that there was no affair with this woman, but I take nothing on faith anymore. I've asked him to get the deleted emails from his friend so that I can confirm his story. But I am so mad about his failure to tell me about this sooner.

Why do WS's do this? I am so angry. I had asked him over and over again if there was anything he hadn't told me about what happened before or after the affairs. I told him it was better to tell me everything now than to lie about it and have me find out later. I'd repeated this countless times, and he still lied. It makes no sense to me.

My SO's position has always been that he wants to reconcile. He went NC with both affair partners immediately upon my finding out. He's been very good about some things, but the TT makes me crazed. I've also said to him before it's completely counter-productive: if you want to reconcile, you need to tell me the truth, not lie to me about details. I am less likely to choose reconciliation if you continue to lie. He's shooting himself in the foot.

Ugh. Sorry for the vent but I find it so frustrating. I'd really love to hear how other BS's have dealt with TT. I am not dealing with it gracefully at all. Even better, I'd love to hear from a WS who found themselves doing this, and what they figured out was behind it.

steadfast1973 posted 4/22/2014 09:58 AM

There is no graceful way to deal with TT. It's horrible... it just makes things worse and worse, and prolongs the healing process. I threw a chair at my fWH when he was TTing me... (Telling me, I was only hurting myself by snooping... -I'd stop finding things, If I just quit looking, "No, assface, I'd stop finding things if you'd quit doing shit for me to find!" ) Hell, even after dday2, when he's been transparent and telling me everything, I still want to punch his face in sometimes... (I don't. )

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:58 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Sunset22 posted 4/22/2014 10:57 AM

I dealt with the same with my WH and he swears everything I know now is the whole truth. BUT I still don't think so. I don't think we'll ever get the whole truth. Someone told me here that it's up to us to accept or not accept what we know at the present. Is that enough for you?

Mindfully posted 4/22/2014 13:38 PM

I'm not sure, Sunset22.

I have to verify there was no affair between my SO and his friend, now that I know he erased a year's worth of their emails. I'm not prepared to just let that go, but whether I can stop at that point is an open question.

I sometimes find myself at the point now where I think I've got what I need, where I feel it would be better to stop, but other times I have questions I want answered - usually asking for clarification in respect of something he's already said that's troubling me. It's tough, but since I'm just two months from Dday, I'm trying to give myself a little leeway. At some point, I know it will be healthier to stop.

staystrong101 posted 4/22/2014 13:48 PM

After my XWH was caught with OW#1, he begged me to stay with him and reconcile. We met 4 times to talk. The first time, he promised he had told me everything.. Later I found out about OW#2, OW#3. Each time we talked, again he promised that This Time, he had really told me everything. He continued to lie and withhold info. I asked why he didn't tell me the truth when he knew our marriage was on the line, and I made it clear the only possible way we could possibly reconcile was with full, complete disclosure. His answer was that he just loves me so much and was afraid. I divorced him because I knew I could never trust him again. He continued to lie, to protect OW #1, #2 and #3. I think most waywards will tell just the minimum amount necessary - whatever they think we might find out anyway. By the way, after our divorce was final I found out about OW#4, and several other attempts at ONS with friends of ours. Mindfully - I'm sorry but please be careful. He is still lying to you.

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