"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

funnyguy posted 4/22/2014 09:50 AM

Hi Everyone
My D day was November 20 2013 , and man has it been a struggle ever since. I found out my wife was having an affair from another person . I was also harassed by the OM via text ,emails and also a window or 2 smashed in my truck. My wife works at a gym and continues to see this guy when he comes in and works out , she also continues to workout at the same gym. My wife also has also put in minimal effort into our marriage , she admitted to only still having one foot in it to fix it , she continues to work only on herself, I have also worked on myself , we both did ID therapy but she said she isnt ready for marriage counsiling. She said she lost her lust for me and that is why she did what she did , our marriage was missing something and she went and found it somewhere else. Blaw blaw blaw

She has only focused on herself so much it has created so much distance between us , we both said we feel alone yesterday to each other and I said well once you decide if you want the marriage we won't, she then said I think I need more space to work on this . She asked me to leave the house for 3 days then she leaves for 3 days so we dont effect the kids. I did not agree to this I said I know what I want and I don't need to go. I said she should go and figure out what you want. she says seeing me hurts and she can't focus. I think it a cop out and She just wants to go to the gym and work whatever hours she wants without worring about me and the stress it brings her when she goes. We have only had sex 3 times since November and she cried 2 of the times after. she said also she is holding onto the feelings that she felt that how he made her feel. I said so then why won't you try and fix what we have. I need some good advice. I have tried to prove that the OM is the one sending all the messages about there affair to me but I can't prove it. She said no one is going to push her out of her job.

Deeply Scared posted 4/22/2014 10:50 AM

funnyguy...

I would highly recommend you start using the 180 on her and with great force.

She's way beyond being a cake eater and her actions are proving you're not her priority.

The 180 is in the Healing Library under the BS FAQ's section...#11.

It's good to have you with us

Williesmom posted 4/22/2014 10:55 AM

Welcome.

I think you definitely need to do the 180.

You also need to detach from both of them and their drama. It doesn't help with your healing.

Please read and continue to post here. The other members have all been there and done that.

simplydevastated posted 4/22/2014 11:02 AM

Another vote for the 180.

I'm sorry you find yourself, but you are in the right place.

To me, it sounds like she wants her "space" so she can continue to be with the OM. She sounds like a very selfish person. I am so sorry.

Please keep posting, it helps.

funnyguy posted 4/22/2014 11:33 AM

Thanks everyone
I have done the 180 for awhile and it seems it just makes things worse, she says I feel alon and it makes me feel alone. it really creates so much distance and makes the whole marriage worse and the kids see the effects of the 180 when we do nothing together as a family , the kids have even said something

funnyguy posted 4/22/2014 11:35 AM

I just think its unreal how you still can't tell me you want the marriage or even work on it. its been 5 1/2 month since D day and zero progress and also to say she doesn't even want to go to marriage counsiling WTF

GoodFaith posted 4/22/2014 14:16 PM

Hi FunnyGuy. Sorry that you are here.

You should probably repost in the "Just Found Out" Forum. You will probably get more responses there.

It sounds like your wife needs a KITA to get her to see the severity of the situation that SHE has caused.

I will reinforce the use of the 180 to distance yourself from her and the drama. Show her the door if you can. What do you know about the AP? Is he married?

If so you need to find his wife's contact info so you can make sure she knows what's going on. (Important note: make sure WW and AP don't know you are going to contact the APS). She has a right to know and as well can put pressure on the AP to knock it off.

Strongly consider contacting the police regarding the harassment. If only to get it on record so that you will have supporting evidence and a track record if she should ever try to accuse you of anything. That happens a lot. They will also be able to trace the e-mail to prove who sent them.

One thing that seems to be a common trait in cheaters is that they are damaged shallow, selfish liars. Your ww certainly seems to fit the bill. I'm sorry but she's not the person you thought she was.

It's early so there is hope that she is just lost in the "fog" of the affair fantasy. Getting hit with a strong dose of reality may help snap her out of it.

Sorry you are here brother, but you've found a good place for support. Read all you can in the Healing Library. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

Good luck to you.

norabird posted 4/22/2014 14:17 PM

If she isn't willing to work on healing you, or connecting, and complains about her stress and inability to focus on herself, what 'marriage' exactly is the 180 harming? There is no marriage with the way she is treating you--only a sham.

As for her feeling alone...that is a direct consequence of what she has done. Why are you still trying to protect her? Why are you worrying about her at all, instead of worrying that you yourself are stuck tied to someone who clearly is neither mature nor loving?

simplydevastated posted 4/22/2014 15:02 PM

Funnyguy, the 180 is supposed to show the WS what they are missing by not working on the marriage and to help the BS heal if the WS is not remorseful.

When the WS sees that that the BS is moving forward and doing things without them they will come out of the fog (hopefully) and start doing the necessary work. In the meantime it helps the BS to feel stronger and more in control amongst the chaos.

I hope this helps to explain the 180. This is my understanding of it anyway.

funnyguy posted 4/24/2014 08:11 AM

Ok I really need some advice
She is no asking me for a 3 days in the house 3 days out of the house , so I leave for 3 days then she leaves for 3 days , becasue she wants time alone and space to figuer out what she wants ? She thinks this is for the best also for the kids . I don't like the idea at all , we have dealing with this Since November was my Dday . And know she wantsa this to see if she still wants the marriage. And she can't figuer things out with me and her being around each other

steadfast1973 posted 4/24/2014 08:36 AM

She's probably still seeing the OM. Don't make her a priority when she's making you an option.

twisted posted 4/24/2014 15:39 PM

As I said in your other post, time to shake her up because she doesn't get it. Time for drastic measures.
She wants time away? Kick her to the curb, and I mean that literally.
I don't think your other post shows you as the BH or back story.

7yrsflushed posted 4/24/2014 15:49 PM

And she can't figuer things out with me and her being around each other

Fine, you know how you resolve this...tell her to gtfo and go live with OM. Seriously, tell her you are no ones back up plan and kick the proverbial fence from under her. Remove yourself from the field of play. By doing so you are actually helping her to figure things out by removing yourself as a choice.

Now go about IGNORING your WW and deciding what YOU want out of life. You can't control your WW but you can control yourself. Stop thinking about her welfare and start thinking about your own. Go NC, no contact, with her. Do not talk to her unless it's about finances or the kids if you have any. Start up the 180 and detach from her. She is still in the A and refusing to find another job. She knows OM comes to the gym and still goes there. Stand up for yourself and what you want. If you haven't done so, go see a lawyer today and figure out what your rights are. Don't tell your WW you are doing it, just do it. It doesn't mean you have to file right away but you need to avoid getting paralyzed by FEAR. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck in a bad situation. You can take back control of your life one day at a time if necessary. I wish you the best. Keep posting it helps.

You are no one's back up plan. Start focusign on you and ignoring your WW. keep posting it helps.

ETA:

our marriage was missing something and she went and found it somewhere else.

Your marriage wasn't missing something. Your WW was/is missing something inside herself. She is the one with the problem. Nothing you did caused her to have an A. That decision and choice is 100% on her.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:53 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]

ilovemylove posted 4/24/2014 15:49 PM

To me it doesn't sound like she wants to be a part of the marriage anymore and she doesn't want to tell you that or she is still seeing the OM or wants to. During my A I wanted no part of marriage counseling. Now that it is over and I DO want my M to work I want it badly.

Uhtred posted 4/24/2014 16:52 PM

Man you really need to go ahead and push her off that cliff she keeps threatening to jump from. If it were me and my ww wife was telling me the things that your ww is telling you I'd pack her bags and send her on her way.

There is no way to reconcile with someone who's not really remorseful. It's a damn struggle to do it with someone who is. I'm sorry you're going through this friend but you need to show her that her vajay isn't golden and that you can make it without her.

She's the one who violated your trust and the sanctity of your marriage. I know you love her. I'm sure because you wouldn't be there if you didn't. Sometimes people need to fall on their face ass deep in shit to learn a lesson.

You don't deserve this bull crap and neither do your children. That three day on and three day off shit really pisses me off because you know as well as everyone else that she is using that time to absorb her feelings with the other man.

Give her the push and watch her fall. If you're still willing to reconcile if she comes back on her knees begging for mercy than so be it but please don't be her bitch.