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more fallout for my selfish decisions. ..nobody to blame but mys

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Alyssamd24 posted 4/22/2014 09:57 AM

Today my DD and BH are going to a surprise retirement party for my MIL. My FIL and SIL will also be there, and I dont even know who else.

I wasn't invited or told about it until my BH mentioned this weekend he and DD would be going. Even though it is a weekday I certainly would have been able to change my schedule so I could go.

I feel sad that I wasn't included or invited; but I guess the only one I can blame for this is myself. If I hadn't been so selfish and self centered maybe I would have been included.

Just another reason I am angry with myself.

redrock posted 4/22/2014 10:33 AM

At some point your husband and you have to decide how long you, as a family, will go along with the exclusion.

You are a family. And that is a package deal. I am a BS. My parents knew about my H affair from day one. They were angry, of course they were.
But they supported my choice to R and that includes him as part of our family.

We went on a family cruise 3 weeks post dday. Everyone knew. It was sometimes awkward, but we addressed things then and there.

You don't have to be ashamed to have been hurt over not being included. In fact, I think this is something you both have to get on the same page about ASAP.

Being mad is one thing. I don't begrudge them that. I am more interested in how long your H is going to participate in their excluding you going forward. To support their punishment of you, his wife, by attending their events with your daughter in tow and you at home. I am concerned that he didn't inform you until this weekend. That would be a boundary violation for me, planning an event with his family, with my child without giving me a heads up.

You both may come up with different plan for your family. But you do have to address together.

I know it is hard to have these conversations, but I do think it has to be done. What is his plan in accepting invitations from his family going forward?

[This message edited by redrock at 6:11 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Aubrie posted 4/22/2014 10:51 AM

At some point you husband and you have to decide how long you, as a family, will go along with the exclusion.
Exactly.

Alyssa, aren't y'all in R? So how does it work exactly? You guys are in R till there is a family function, then you aren't?

R is a team. A united front. Sure he can be mad. There can be consequences. But eliminating you from family things and outings? Ehh, not exactly R. Not to me anyway. Sends mixed signals to everyone around you. Sends them to your DD. Sends them to you.

I would be hurt too.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/22/2014 10:52 AM

That's such a tough situation, I'm sorry you're going through that. So far it sounds like you're handling this well. Much better (if I may say without condescending) than Alyssa 2013 would've. You recognize that only you are responsible for your feelings, and that's great.

However. What's up with the last-minute notice? BH keeping you in the dark about family events is unacceptable. Obviously this needs to be handled delicately. If I were you, I'd say to BH, "This isn't your fault, and even though I feel a little sad about being excluded, I don't blame your parents for being angry with me. The news took me by surprise, though, so can I ask why you're just now telling me?"

ITA with redrock. At some point BH has to be "all in" or "all out." His family making him choose between you is unfair and unhealthy. DD isn't a toddler anymore, right? She's going to notice that "everyone else's mommy" is there and start asking questions. Are y'all planning to lie to her?

OK now posted 4/22/2014 10:53 AM

What is his plan in accepting invitations from his family going forward?

Pretty important question. If this is just a one-off then it would be better to accept the decision to exclude you and swallow your hurt. If however this is going to be a set pattern from now on, then I think this should be unacceptable. You are part of the family, and your in-laws need to bear this in mind before engaging in petty exclusions in order to punish you.

Darkness Falls posted 4/22/2014 11:12 AM

I agree with the others.

You are reconciling; your husband should make it clear to his family that you are part of the family and that you all will either attend as a family or not at all.

I know that's easier said than done. And I don't think the onus for including you should be on your ILs; it should be on your husband. They have the right to be angry, of course, and certainly they have the right to exclude you...but that should be when your husband steps up. JMHO.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/22/2014 11:35 AM

Thank you twenty,
Thats nice to hear. I asked my BH why I wasn't invited and he said he didnt know...and left it at that.

I thought things were somewhat better with them...we all went to their house together for Easter and all had a good time. I have even spent some time with just my MIL and daughter since DDay.

To a certain extent I have always been excluded from stuff with him and his family. ..he and my DD always spend Fridays with my MIL....the three of them will go out to breakfast and do other things and I have never been involved. My BH has also told me that they have plans to take my DD to the cape this summer...him and his mother.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/22/2014 13:41 PM

I'm sorry if I'm prematurely identifying a pattern where there is none, but neither spouse should be making unilateral decisions WRT their child's travel plans.

BH mentioned this weekend he and DD would be going...

My BH has also told me that they have plans...

Umm, no. They have their Friday morning breakfast tradition, fine, but planning vacations and *informing you* about it? Not cool.

I have always been excluded from stuff with him and his family

When you M, there ceased to be a "him and his family." Or should've. You and DD are his family.

Wayflost posted 4/22/2014 15:01 PM

As someone with terribly unhealthy boundaries where my FOO is concerned:

To a certain extent I have always been excluded from stuff with him and his family. ..he and my DD always spend Fridays with my MIL....the three of them will go out to breakfast and do other things and I have never been involved. My BH has also told me that they have plans to take my DD to the cape this summer...him and his mother.

What?!?!? Who is supposed to be the partner of your BS? You, or his mother? I can hear my BH saying that to me about my mother, FWIW. This dynamic doesn't sound good to me.

I agree, Friday tradition? No biggie. Summer vacations where you are informed of them, and not included? H to the no! She's your kid.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/22/2014 15:26 PM

I guess I should clarify....its not an overnight vacation (I don't think so anyway). It was just a couple day trips to the ocean that they are planning.

Aubrie posted 4/22/2014 15:33 PM

Overnights or not. Does it really matter? He has a life apart from you.

Time with you.

Then time with him, DD, and his FOO.

That's messed up Alyssa. To never include you, ever?

Take it from someone who always chose her FOO over immediate family and finally woke up. Its not.cool.

wifehad5 posted 4/22/2014 16:59 PM

I agree that it seems strange to just not include you. I think this may need some further discussion between the two of you.

Was it like this before the A came out?

redrock posted 4/22/2014 17:29 PM

I asked my BH why I wasn't invited and he said he didnt know...and left it at that.

So there needs to be a little more exploration into this. He seems pretty comfortable with you not being invited, which may explain why the IL's are comfortable with it. Why is that?

What would happen if he drew that boundary for them? Why is it acceptable to bring your daughter to family events at which you are not welcome? At what point does this become a problem for him?

It sounds like this issue has been creeping around for awhile, perhaps to a lessor degree.

So have the talk. Ask the hard questions-- don't leave room for 'idk' and leave it at that. This is too important to drop. Decide where your boundaries lie(and you have every right to have boundaries) and communicate them to him.

Alyssa- They don't have to like you. They don't have to invite you. But you should consider what it means if your H does not demand respect for you as his wife and the mother of their grandchild. As should he.

IMO- you are in R, his parents should respect the relationship- regardless of how they personally feel abut you at this stage.

[This message edited by redrock at 6:11 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 4/22/2014 18:20 PM

Thank you everyone. It has basically always been this way, even before the A. I have never felt really included with his family....when DD and I went to the play with my MIL recently thats the only time I have done anything with her alone....in 11 years.

There have been many times throughout the years he and his mother have done something special with our DD and I have never been invited.

I asked him about it when I got home and he said he just found out about it last week or something and he didnt even want to go...I dont really know if it was them that didnt want me to go, or him that didnt ask me.

Mrs Panda posted 4/22/2014 20:52 PM

Alyssa

This is not an ok pattern for a M. You must man up or what not and discuss with BH. Or maybe you don't like to be included? Don't like MIL?

You have been living like girlfriend boyfriend not a M couple. We don't blame the M problems for our poor choices, but damn, when you are not a team...it's easier to go your own way

bionicgal posted 4/22/2014 21:14 PM

Alyssa- This makes me sad for you! Your marriage is #1 once you get married, not your relationship with your family of origin. You are a package deal, as someone said.

But this is a surprise party, and someone else made the decision to not invite you besides MIL, then. So, it sounds to me as if your H is excluding you? This is truly odd behavior, I think. Just my opinion.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/23/2014 05:41 AM

Thanks,
I would very much like to be included and be involved and have brought this up to my BH many many times and he always says ok he will try to include me and then never does.

I brought it up with him again last night and told him how I felt. He apologized for excluding me, and said he will not do it again.

Like I said this is an ongoing issue in our M. There have been many times I have wanted him to do something with myself and our DD and he always says no. So we don't do it...or I do it with her myself, or with a friend and her son.

Brandon808 posted 4/23/2014 08:03 AM

There have been many times I have wanted him to do something with myself and our DD and he always says no. So we don't do it...or I do it with her myself, or with a friend and her son.
BH here and I very much disagree with his refusal. My xww (before the D mind you) would have outings with my step-daughter's dad and his fiance. We did so for my step-daughter because being together as a family for her sake was most important. I cannot understand why he would do that.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/23/2014 08:23 AM

I think his refusal could be for a few different reasons...like lack of money or lack of time because his work schedule. Thats what he generally says.

Darkness Falls posted 4/23/2014 09:37 AM

^ Not trying to add fuel to the fire here, but...he has the time off and the $$$ to do these things with your DD and his mother, though, but not with you?

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