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Facebook should go, right?

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Hurtandhealer posted 4/22/2014 10:28 AM

Just had d-day #3 on 4/16- found out that while they hadn't seen each other since July, WH was still in sporadic contact with OW. HUGE SETBACK. Back in July, I told WH that he needed to get rid of his Facebook account and have a joint account with me because his Facebook account had "gotten him into trouble" multiple times. This was his first full-blown affair, but I've caught him several times contacting old "friends" on Facebook and exchanging inappropriate messages and even pictures. Life got busy and he never did delete it. Well d-day 3 revealed that he once again was in contact with OW on FACEBOOK. Last night I told him that I'm sticking to it this time and I want his Facebook gone. It's just too much of a temptation for him, I think. He has a problem with women and he needs to stay off Facebook just like a chronic gambler needs to stay out of the casino. He put up the argument that if he's going to get rid of Facebook, he might as well shut off his phone and live in the basement too because he can have inappropriate contact with women just stepping outside his door. The "guns don't kill people" defense, as I call it. I guess with all his remorse, I was expecting him to say "I'm so sorry for what I've done and I'll do WHATEVER it takes to work this out. Sharing a Facebook account with you is no problem because I will never hide anything from you again." That is most definitely NOT what happened. At the end of the argument, he threw up his hands and said "Well you have my password, F-in delete the D#$% thing!" I don't want to delete it that way. I want him to WANT to work things out and be willing to get rid of something that I feel was a huge stumbling block for him. I don't want to beat him into submission. I'm not saying he will never have any independence again, but right now I feel like the first step in rebuilding this trust is proving that he has no more secrets. Am I wrong?

rachelc posted 4/22/2014 10:34 AM

Am I wrong?

nope, not even close. He should be voluntarily doing this for you, happily.

my husband communicated with his APs by cell phone, among other avenues. When Dday 2 happened he handed it to me, said to get him a new one (not an employer issued one) and have ME be the administrator of the account. That was huge.

Has your husband read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair?"

blakesteele posted 4/22/2014 10:36 AM

Yeah....Facebook kinda sucks. Heard it referred to as F-Book as it is becoming a large source of opportunity for affairs....people reconnecting with old flames, people more freely sharing personal stuff about themselves with other opposite sex people.

See some movement to have "couples" facebook page....just one account. Seems like that would work to keep the "value" of facebook more pure (sharing pics so grandma could see grand kids grow, etc.).

My wife is on FB more than I am on SI. I have her passwords.

Really, at the end of the day, todays electronics make it all but impossible to keep someone from adultery. Hell, we were in weekly MC, her sister was her accountability partner, most all of our close friends knew about the affair, I had access to her cell and passwords and phone account....and my wife STILL had the desire and ability to take her EA to PA during that time.

BUT, I think it would be incredibly beneficial to R if a WS would actively seek ways to rebuild trust. One such way in your case would be for husband to shut his FB account down. But that is a choice he really needs to make for himself. He knows the damage he has done, knows FB was a part of that, to actively chose it even for "pure reasons" (such as posting kiddo pics) is not conducive to healthy R. Might not be a deal breaker, but will surely hinder R efforts.


Hurtandhealer posted 4/22/2014 10:37 AM

My husband reads nothing. Seriously. Nothing. I can't say that he hasn't done any work because he's made many changes for the better. I think one of the things that is standing in the way for us is that while he's taking steps to improve himself, he has not taken any steps to understand what I'M going through. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I'm a total freak for my reactions because he hasn't seen the reactions of other betrayed spouses.

karmahappens posted 4/22/2014 10:49 AM

I guess with all his remorse, I was expecting him to say "I'm so sorry for what I've done and I'll do WHATEVER it takes to work this out. Sharing a Facebook account with you is no problem because I will never hide anything from you again

He isn't remorseful.

I agree, Facebook should go.

BUT in all honesy, Facebook isn't the problem...your husband is.

He has a problem with women...well, then he is right , You either have to lock him in the basement or he needs to get real and fix his shit.

This is the 3rd dday with the same woman over a year and a half.

The affair hasn't ended. He is still having warm and fuzzy thoughts about her and he is willing to stab you in the back to have contact with her.

You need to find your anger and deleting Facebook, IMO is not the answer.


ETA: With his reactions

I feel like the first step in rebuilding this trust is proving that he has no more secrets. Am I wrong?

He isn't being honest and wants the ability to hide.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:52 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Wodnships posted 4/22/2014 11:22 AM

It doesn't matter what anyone on here things. If his Facebook bother's you then it should go. It's a personal choice. And you have every right to say what you need for a relationship to work. No matter what that is.

LdyD posted 4/22/2014 19:05 PM

No, you are completely right! My FWH started an EA that turned physical on Facebook with the girlfriend of his (and my best friend). On D-Day I made him unfriend the AP and Block her. But, I couldn't bring myself to make him deactivate Facebook. However, the MC told my H to immediately deactivate his Facebook if he was serious about R. He deactivated it in the parking lot after our first MC session as I watched him.

My FWH can not (nor will he ever) be trusted (by me) on social media sites or chat rooms etc... since he can easily hide behind a computer to make things less 'real' even when the EA became a PA, he was able to compartmentalize the A.

I don't blame you for not wanting to do it yourself, you shouldn't have to! If your WS is truly remorseful and wants to R, he should want to do everything he needs to do to regain trust and to help you heal. My questions for him... Why doesn't he want to deactivate it? What is he hiding? What is he afraid of giving up by deactivating his account?

[This message edited by LdyD at 7:10 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

blakesteele posted 4/22/2014 20:24 PM

...can easily hide behind a computer to make things less 'real' even when the EA became a PA, he was able to compartmentalize the A.

So very true. My wife was a good compartmentalizer to begin with....but electronic communication honed her skills to a razor sharp point. Less than 20 hours face time they were kissing, less than 60 hours....full on unprotected sex. Zero past sexual history moral compass working.....just a fantasy rich environment. Her A was really nurtured through texting, FB, and emails. Such a fantasy was born through these forms of communication. All are easier than RL (start and stop "relationships" with a push or click of a button) and lend themselves very well to "reading into" what a relationship is (one creates reality in the absence of facts).

I also agree.....a WS who is interested in R will gladly seek ways to distance themselves from anything affair related.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:34 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Lowlow posted 4/22/2014 21:22 PM

You know what? Both of us gave up Facebook. My FWS gave it up shortly after DD on his own accord. I quit visiting FB after DD but did not delete my profile until later.

I miss some friends, but overall, it was a freeing experience and I actually feel more socially connected without it.

PeaceLove187 posted 4/22/2014 21:38 PM

Sweetie, Facebook is a red herring distracting you from the real issue--your H is still in contact with the OW, even if it is sporadic. What are your requirements for R? Is sporadic contact acceptable?

Your husband is right--unless you chain him in the basement he can find a way to cheat. His continued contact with the OW is proof he has no desire to stop cheating. Or more likely he doesn't have the balls to grow up and be a man. Either he doesn't like being told what to do or he's addicted to the attention. Or maybe he just can't stand her thinking he's a bad guy so he won't completely cut the ties. Whatever the reason he's still in contact--that's your problem, not Facebook.

Since the only thing you can control is your actions (not his)--what are you doing to do?

fourever posted 4/23/2014 09:44 AM

It's not the Facebook that needs to go, it's your husband.

Until he figures out that you are important enough to him. Right now, you are not.

The truth is, you are, and should be, the center of his life, and should not accept anything less from him. Until you do that, this goes on. Is that how you want to live? Take the time to love and respect you, and demand the same from the person you love and respect in return. That is marriage.

Allowing this attitude from him (and I suspect an underground affair) to go on, will further your pain for many years.

Take a hard line with him please.

confused615 posted 4/23/2014 10:16 AM

He's been using Facebook to cheat on you for years. Those messages and pics? That is cheating. So he has had more than one OW from Facebook.

I would insist Facebook has to go. But, Facebook is only a tool. Your WH is using it to find his OW. If you shut down Facebook, he will find them somewhere else...unless he starts to face his issues and change things.

If he was still in contact with OW, regardless of how often, the affair was ongoing. So, especially after false R, he should be in the "anything you need" camp.

He's not. Im sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:16 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

getnbtr1 posted 4/23/2014 10:52 AM

I agree with many on this thread. FB is only a symptom of the problem. Him going off it won't guarantee he stops his behavior, and you DO have his password to see what's going on, but his resistance, and unwillingness to is a huge flag.

NoMorDeceit posted 4/23/2014 11:01 AM

He is like a child hooked on his lollipop and you just told him to throw it away because its time for dinner. He doesn't want to get rid of it because it will block an avenue of opportunity for him to cheat. Make no mistake the sending pics and sexting type messages was cheating sounds like more than 3 D-Days and a spouse who doesn't want to stop. Deleting facebook won't stop him, there are tons of social media/online outlets out now...he'll just go hunting on a new one. His angry reaction tells you he doesn't want to stop. So what are the consequences for him not wanting to stop?

somethingremorse posted 4/23/2014 11:31 AM

WH here.

I deleted my FB account. I am trying to change myself. Changing the habits and thinking that led me to the As. FB is one of those things that would anchor me to the bad old me.

My thinking has been to strip away everything that I can that wasn't part of fixing myself or healing my M. I don't think I could change if I went back to the same things that helped the trouble. Some people change jobs or move, so giving up FB is not a huge sacrifice in comparison.

Maybe I'll add some of those things back, when I'm sure that it is OK. FB is a ways off.

I admit it is a loss. I cannot see what my best friends and family are doing. That's a consequence of my bad actions.

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