My BS thinks I'm a Monster, sadistic and she hates me. She was angry and wouldn't talk to me last night and texted:
"I. HATE YOU. ... I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU R OUT OR MY LIFE FOREVER ... I will celebrate the day I don't have to communicate with you. It's a long way off but it's the light at the end of the tunnel."
I don't want sympathy. I don't deserve anything but these words because of what I have done and put her through. But the pain from these words is unbearable. The pain behind these words is just devastating.
How can I possibly do anything to work through past this pain I have caused her and find a different light at the end of the tunnel.?!
I have lied and thrown empty words around for too long and now is it simply too late??? I told her I am not prepared to withold or lie or avoid or quit. I will not give up on her or myself.
I desperately want to make a difference. But everything I say isnt' believed and with reason. I just can't believe how selfish I have been so ignorant to what was really important. And now everything is met with contempt and disbelief - why should she believe that now is the time?
I just can't believe that I can love her the way I do and these words are all I'm left with.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. Those words are horrible to hear but try to keep in mind that the pain behind them is indefinitely deeper than the pain they cause.
The last two years count for nothing in yohr situation. Your Dday is very recent, the wounds are still so fresh and you have only just begun doing the work.
You are doing well right now, keep going with your IC and working on yourself. Have patience, meet her pain with empathy and compassion. Hear her, validate her.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
Each day through your actions and words you can convey your remorse to your BS.
Because you have continually lied, this is going to take time. Are you in this for a long, hard road? When she is angry you need to continually reassure her that you are sorry, ashamed and understand that your actions have hurt her, destroyed her in many ways. You have to own the lies and the disrespect you have demonstrated to your wife and your family.
You lied for so long it will take double, if not triple time for you to earn any trust back. Right now your word means absolutely nothing to her nor should it.
why should she believe that now is the time
Only you can answer that. With your actions and your words you have to prove it.
Ask you wife, what if anything can you do to get her to give you another chance?
(((gently))) Those are the consequences of your actions. Right now it all has to be about your BW. Whatever she needs to start to heal. Think about your comment in her mind...she can not believe that she loved you and you continually lied and betrayed her. And all she is left with are the memories and heartbreak of your selfish choices. You state you love her but in her mind your actions and lies don't convey love.
It may be too late but if you truly want it to work it is time for you to do the hard work. Continually. Take the wrath, take the hurt feelings and words and own them. Apologize for them and keep trying.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:18 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
Actions over words right now can't be said enough. A little over two months ago I was saying the exact same thing to my WH. And, at that moment in time, I felt everything I was saying. The pain your BS is going through is something that really can't be described. She isn't going to believe a word you say. You have to show her actions.
The best thing you can do right now is to empathize as much as you can. Validate her feelings. Please, and I can't stress this enough, don't get angry and defensive. I understand that is going to be hard, but you have to try.
Best of luck to you and your BS. I highly recommend the literature in The Healing library for both of you as well as IC (which I believe you are doing?) and MC at some point. My WH said he was sorry hundreds of times. And none of that meant nearly as much as when I saw he had purchased "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" on the kindle and was half way through it. The actions he took in those days lead to helping me diffuse my anger. Our story is obviously different than yours so the actions have to be tweaked. But the point is it's ACTIONS OVER WORDS (I believe that is someone's user name on here? LOL). WH has not done everything perfectly. But his actions hold more weight than his words, even (maybe especially), now. Hearing him say he is sorry helps me. But the day he said he was leaving for his CSAT appointment meant so much to me. Hearing he is working on him (we are dealing with a SA).
If you truly are remorseful, show it. Don't just say it. And showing it takes time. Work on you. Show her that you don't like the person you became and are taking steps to find out how and why you became that person and are doing the work to fix that.
(((Hugs))) to you and your BS.
EDIT: So I ready your profile and maybe our situations aren't so different My DD3 was when I found out about the years of betrayal. Having just found out about a SA relapse that happened 2 months ago (my DD4 last week).
Honestly, all you can do right now is work on you. Be there for her when she is open for it. Don't push her. But most importantly you really need to be open and honest with YOURSELF. You aren't going to be able to repair your relationship with your BS without repairing yourself first. As a BS I am having to come to terms with this for me. Every betrayal my WH commits pushes me further away. He has to fix himself and overcome his addiction. I become stronger everyday. I am not strong enough to walk away from him yet. But one day I will be. I am hopeful that when I am strong enough to finally let WH go I won't have to. He will have found his own strength and will overcome his addiction. Gently, she might have found her strength. If that is the case, all you can do is work on you. Overcome your possible SA so you can enter into a healthy relationship in the future.
[This message edited by Sammy2013 at 1:05 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
I will say that I don't call my XH a "monster" nor do I wish anything bad upon him, though I probably did tell him that I hated him a time or two during our M. It is much easier not to hate him now that he is married to someone else. I do not mean this to be insensitive to you or anyone else in the WS forum. I do think everyone who is remorseful is entitled to rebuild their lives and be happy again, but if the BS does not want to R with you, that is their option.
but the only day you can live is today. Try to live today right. Try to do the same tomorrow.
You are exactly right. I try not to think about the future - yes it's hard given some of my issues. With no promise of anything or reconcilliation all I can do is just try to live one day at a time in the right direction, being honest, working on myself, not lying, loving and hugging my kids and working on thinking of those i love before myself. It's far from perfect, but I'm not going back to those negative behaviours that brought us to this hellish existence.
Thank you for your words.
"Think about your comment in her mind...she can not believe that she loved you and you continually lied and betrayed her. And all she is left with are the memories and heartbreak of your selfish choices."
You are right. I am trying to see things more from her perspective. What I say and feel is the last priority.
I am in this for the long road. I have a long road ahead of myself working on me and she has a long road healing and fixing her and I hate that I've inflicted this on her.
At this point remorseful actions are what I have to show her, but nothing seems to impact. I am reading, I am going to IC, I am not lying to myself or lying and avoiding questions.
I can't ask her anything about the future, she won't discuss it so it's on me to do the work and demonstrate actions. Right now everything is met with contempt and disbelief and why wouldn't it be!?
I betrayed her and I can't question her thoughts or feelings or expect her to feel anything for me now. She's afraid of me and afraid of being hurt again by me. It may be too late and if it is then I have to live with the fallout and it's all my fault. I won't stop the work though because I need to love myself in the end even if she won't let me back into her heart to love her again.
Thank you for your comments - no stop sign specifically because I need a BS' perspective.
I know my words mean less than nothing. Actions that mean something are hard to come by it seems. I am reading have read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and am going over it again along with some other books.
I do feel truly remorseful I am devastated at what I am putting her through, but she doesn't see it so it doesn't matter what I feel. Or say I feel.
I am working through the whys and working on myself. Thank you for your encouragement, I know she may have found her strength and it may be it forever, but I have to keep going on myself regardless. I can still have hope even if it's unrealistic. It keeps me going ...
I realize I may be unrealistic. My IC says the odds are against me too. I can't push her into wanting anything from me now or in the future, but I can't give up trying and being hopeful.
When I have told my BS that the counselors have tried to put a time frame on this she gets defensive and angry and says fine, so go move on now if that's what you want. Yet i tell the IC that I'm not prepared to put a time frame on this and I can only go one day at a time right now. I have wasted 2 years already since the sh!! hit the fan and if my BS has only just started IC then 6 months or a year is not realistic at all to determine what might be possible if anything.
I don't want to move on - I don't want anyone else. Yes I know I can't force her to want me again, but I am not prepared to move on. So maybe that makes me stupid or a fool or unrealistic, but I love her and my kids more than anything imaginable and they are worth fighting for.
I won't stop the work though because I need to love myself in the end even if she won't let me back into her heart to love her again.
Good. Let go of the outcome. Heal yourself for yourself, and so you can be the best possible father to your children.
When I have told my BS that the counselors have tried to put a time frame on this she gets defensive and angry
Can you shed a little more light on what exactly the counselors said?
How do you typically react/respond to BS when she gets defensive and angry?
Can you shed a little more light on what exactly the counselors said?
>> I am seeing a sex therapist for SA and she has said what would your BS say 6 months from now when you've been working through all your issues - will it be good enough for her to work on something?
The other IC I am seeing, he says I have to do the work for me, yet then he says I should press her for a direction - like is there a point in working towards reconciliation. He said he was being hard on me and pushing me, but I know from everything my BS has said that she won't discuss the future now - she only cares about her healing now. She feels alone and feels that I don't care about helping her or setting myself aside to do something just for her.
I told him what she has said to me about this and that she's not thinking about any of that now and he says it's BS.
I couldn't function yesterday and was mentally and emotionally all over the place after my IC session and mentioned to my BS that I was pissed at him (IC) and why and she got angry saying if he knew anything about infidelity he would know I can't push her to talk about anything.
I have no window into my BS' thoughts and feelings and she just simply feels I don't get it. I'm basically down to a week before I have to get out of the house and will be left with seeing my kids 1 evening for a few hours and 1 overnight on the weekend. Nothing I've done means anything to her and I am just so angry at myself and sad at what I have caused. I want to be involved and contribute, but she won't even consider additional time with the kids.
How do you typically react/respond to BS when she gets defensive and angry?
[This message edited by LostTime at 9:06 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]
I can tell you that it would not go over well to hear anyone, much less a counselor, suggest a time frame to nudge me in one way or the other. I would be livid. There is no right way to gather up the pieces of a live that has been blown to smithereens. Some people can sweep it into a pile but, some of us need to pick up every single piece and suggesting a deadline for that to occur would simply serve to piss me off royally.
One thing that my H did that stands out in my mind the most in the early days after dday was this. Any time I started to lose it, which was multiple times a day, he would come over to me, take my hands in his and say "I'm so sorry I hurt you this way. I promise you it will never happen again". Do I believe that? I can't. He is SA so my reality is that the possibility of a slip or relapse is fairly high but, for some reason that I can't explain it was very soothing at the moment. It was enough to make me calm down just so I could have a lucid thought.
All that to say that for someone who always felt that I would cut and run from him if I found out he had betrayed me, I'm still here. And, right now, at this very minute I'm staying....and watching and listening very, very intently.
Any time I started to lose it, which was multiple times a day, he would come over to me, take my hands in his and say "I'm so sorry I hurt you this way. I promise you it will never happen again". Do I believe that? I can't. He is SA so my reality is that the possibility of a slip or relapse is fairly high but, for some reason that I can't explain it was very soothing at the moment. It was enough to make me calm down just so I could have a lucid thought.
I don't believe it, it doesn't fix anything for me. But it does diffuse me enough to work my SAnon steps and tools and pull myself out of a spiral. I too and staying, but watching (I am much closer to my DDay than you and have already had to deal with a relapse). Something I never thought I would do.
LostTime, is your wife in SAnon?
So while I know why, it doesn't matter. Soothing words don't even get through now.
I know nothing can be pushed and no timeline can be stuck onto this. I don't think she is waiting for anything, but I think or hope she is watching because I am following through on the work and have to get something through that shows her remorse.
Just yesterday she said to me you have no remorse. "You don't show remorse, it's not something you can google." I know my feelings are not just a by product of being caught or feeling guilty. Seeing her pain and how this has changed her is so painful to me and I don't know why I cant show her anything that would mean something to her.
Sammy - I am not aware of it if she is. I believe she is in IC, but she doesn't want to tell me anything about the appts she has or what they are for. The therapist that evaluated me said I'm not a SA, but said I have a sexual self control problem relating to emotional needs or issues. The work is the same, but I guess it's a different level. Personally speaking it wasn't about the sex, but the attention/emotion - wanting to be wanted.
Bottom line it doesn't matter what the classification or excuse my BS is shattered and feeling pain beyond understanding and it's my fault because of my actions and my decisions. Period. I will never do this to her or myself again.