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Don't know how to deal with this....

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Shocked2believe posted 4/22/2014 11:29 AM

I remember reading another SI members post a while ago. This SI member mentioned their frustration and anger at their wayward spouse who had either become ill or had had an accident and it became their responsibility to care for the wayward. They spoke about their anger after the way the wayward treated them and anguish about how they still felt angry towards the unwell wayward etc.

So, I'm now feeling very confused at the moment. After much discussion, argument and threatening (this will be explained further in post) (ex?)WH has gone NC with "co-worker friend" a.k.a. selfish loose moral homewrecker.

In the last few months (ex?)WH has been saying that he hasn't felt 'right' in himself - well yes dude, you've been trying to lead two separate lives, lying and deceiving two people for over a year now! So at the beginning of this month I laid the final ultimatum down - her or me. So as you may have guessed, yes, he chose me (ultimatum mentioned above). Now here is the kick in the teeth. (Ex?)WH has slowly become ill in the last two months. The doctors are now doing series of tests and analysis but (ex?)WH fears the worst. He's turned to me for support and has become the man I remember before they started their EA.

My dilemma is - I feel happy because I have my spouse back, I think, yet should this not have happened, would he have ended it with selfish loose moral homewrecker? Now he needs me he's turned to me and not her, yet he couldn't have been bothered by how I felt when they were conducting themselves immorally!

Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Such conflicting feelings. Am I wrong to feel this? Confused doesn't even begin to describe it. Why did I fight so hard when I may lose him anyway?

Deeply Scared posted 4/22/2014 13:27 PM

Shocked...

I don't think there is every a cookie cutter way to handle betrayal, it hurts so deeply that sometimes the anger and disappointment comes in huge waves almost suffocating us.

I think it would be a really good idea to share your feelings with your H. Let him know how this current situation is making you feel...he needs to know this and you should have the freedom to talk openly to him

krispy47 posted 4/22/2014 13:40 PM

Feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Such conflicting feelings. Am I wrong to feel this? Confused doesn't even begin to describe it. Why did I fight so hard when I may lose him anyway?

The ONLY thing I know for sure about grief is that it is OK to feel what we feel in the moment that we feel it. And as long as we don't hurt ourselves or anyone else, whatever we choose to do about those feelings is generally OK, too.

If you are truly happy to have your WH back, that's OK. If you decided that -- in the face of his betrayal -- you don't owe him anything and don't want to care for him, then that's OK too. And we are all confused...

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