Forum Archives

Return to Forum List


You are not logged in. Login here or register.

PenitentMan posted 4/22/2014 13:59 PM

Sorry, just venting again. She's been wanting details over text message and asking questions which I've been answering to the best of my ability. I had just finished looking at this:

as this forum and the healing library are, until my books arrive, my only source of comfort, really.

I told her I would tell her if I thought of anything else, so I really buckled down trying to think of details, and I did think of a few things, which I told her. For the life of me I don't think there's anything left. I don't think this counts as TT because these are details of things I already told her about. Some of those events are hard to remember because I was drunk and everything is hazy. I hope she doesn't think I've been holding anything back intentionally, because I haven't been. But I feel awful again. I've been reading the articles and the hang-in-there's. There's a big light bulb hanging over my head and I'm strapped to a chair and I'm being interrogated. My heart is racing and my palms are sweating. Are these details going to cause her to leave me after all? Or do I not understand fully what it's like to be a BS. Why would she want the sordid bits to stab her in the heart and to replay over and over? She asks, I answer. If I think of it, I add it without being asked. Everything I read is telling me this is the best thing possible. I guess the betrayal is so awful that my brain keeps trying to suppress it. I guess these are wounds that need to remain open. I tried getting every last thing out that I remember.
And then she asked me to go type it all up, which I don't even know how to begin to do because I don't have any sort of timeline. It's not like I kept track of incidents or kept a journal of these things. And she wants me to print two copies? One for the lawyer? It's hard to breathe right now. Remind me again how full disclosure is therapeutic beyond being the right thing to do? She's talking like she's going to leave me again and my heart is on fire with sadness.

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 2:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/22/2014 14:33 PM

Or do I not understand fully what it's like to be a BS.

Understatement. Of the century.

I responded to your other thread. This shit is hard. Of course you're afraid, of course you're sad. Sometimes, you might even feel angry. Those are normal, understandable post-DDay feelings, and we've all BTDT. The important thing is, to make certain you identify the origin of all of those emotions (you), and place the blame accordingly (also you). Your feelings are every bit as valid as any other human's, and you have every right to feel sad.

There's a big light bulb hanging over my head and I'm strapped to a chair and I'm being interrogated.

You don't have to submit to that torture! You have a choice. Pack a bag and GTFO. But if you're planning to stick around, the drama queen act is not helping your case.

Why would she want the sordid bits to stab her in the heart and to replay over and over?

You don't have to understand why she wants it. You don't have to understand, or even agree with, what she's saying and feeling. If she agrees to R, and you accept that gift, all you need to do is *whatever she asks.* Even (especially) if you're afraid it's going to make her leave you.

Good luck, I know it may not seem like it at first, but the WS here are rooting for you. Because, a month, or a year, or a decade ago...we *were* you.

Aubrie posted 4/22/2014 14:47 PM

Dude. Calm your jets. Take a deep breath.

Ok. Now.

1. Think of the most difficult thing you've ever tried to work on. Got it? Now multiply by 100. That is what working on healing is going to feel like.

2. Get your drama in check. Yes this is scary. Yes this is hard. But you are going to have to get yourself under control. Set your hysterics aside, so you can focus. There is a time and place for it. When she asks for something is not that time and place. Your reactions are deflective and tell her she's not important or worth it.

3. Not your call on what she does or doesn't need to hear. She asked for it all. Give it. She needs to know every gory detail so she knows what she is dealing with. Ask how she wants it. Ask if she wants story form or otherwise.

4. You made this mess. If you plan on fixing it, realize this isn't all about you. This is about helping her. Kwim?

This is a 2-5 year journey. Marathon. Not a sprint. Pace yourself.

PenitentMan posted 4/22/2014 14:50 PM

Thank you both. I will try to get a grip.

Aubrie posted 4/22/2014 14:52 PM

A wise person once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

somethingremorse posted 4/23/2014 10:41 AM

It took me a lot of tries to come up with a time line. First it was just a bunch of unrelated sentences. Just what came to mind, little snapshots that I remembered. Then I could put them in a little better order. If I remembered something (like seeing a band), I'd try to find out a date on the internet. I gradually started to add some details and order some things.

I have a timeline that I think is pretty accurate. BW doesn't want to see it right now. In fact, she made me take it out of the house. BUT if she does see it, and she wants more details, I think that's her complete right.

This is hard. Don't try to eat the elephant in one bite. Just start, and try to fill it in as you can.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.