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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: What we do to give them their freedom to have an A
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

17months out and doing well.

But, sometimes we have those angry days. Today is one of them.

Just a thought on what we do at home to give them their chances to have A.

I did my husbands laundry, so he can be dressed handsomely to go out to the bar with his OW. Thanks...

I took care of him and did all the work. Cook, clean, make apps, pay bills, give back massages, sex, take care of kids, and make family plans. So he could be free to give what I worked for away to some other woman that didn't deserve it.

Yeah...my former WH was a cake eater.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oooh this still makes me mad when I think about it. I used the time my exWBf would get home late, after hours of not answering his phone and my frantic calls, to do the dishes and change the cat litter.

Though maybe I am more mad at myself than at him for this. I thought I was doing my best but I was letting him walk all over my boundaries and reasonable needs.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I helped him dye is graying, balding hair until d-day. Bleh.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I helped him dye is graying, balding hair until d-day. Bleh.

Oh Sazzy, I'm sorry but I had to laugh--just because they are SO vain, aren't they?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a lot to help my husband cheat on me! I am such a super wife!

I digitally cropped a family portrait so it was just a head shot of him. This was so he could put it on his Linked-In profile, of course. It had nothing to do with the fact that he then mailed it to the OW as she sat in prison. Nothing at all. I made it so he didn't have to outright lie to her that he was very much married & cheating on me.

I encouraged him in his hobby of fishing, even though I hated how he spent every free moment he had away from our home and out in the wild. I did not hold him accountable for the 20-30 hours a week of unfettered free time he had. I did not insist on an explanation when he would come home from being out all day, but wouldn't have any fish, nor would he have any dirt or sweat or grime on him/his equipment, nor would there be any evidence he'd been outside at all. No sunscreen, no lovingly packed lunch eaten, nothing.

I did not snoop in "his" phone, wallet, briefcase, car, truck, backpack, tackle box, nothing. I respected his privacy.

I did not insist on an explanation for the post office box key on his key ring.

I did not insist on an explanation when he would come home smelling like perfume, or when I found lipstick on his underwear, or when I found cum stains on his clothing.

I did not divorce him on the spot when an OW called our home phone & quizzed me as to who the hell I was.

I willingly turned the other cheek and tightly held the rose-colored glasses to my voluntarily blinded eyes for our entire marriage. I was the perfect idiot wife who helped her husband cheat on her.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10029 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PositiveAttitude
♀ 40624
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I watched our children (including my stepchild) on weekends so he could spend time with OW under the guise of "work." Then when he got home I did his laundry for the weekend.

When he told me he had to leave the house to help a friend in the middle of the night I told him I understood. When he told me he was going to games with a friend who's wife had just left him - I encourage him to spend time with his friend. Inquired about how he was doing even.

Yep, I'm really thoughtful, caring and helpful that way!


Posts: 193 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
LeftOutintheCold
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent hours discussing, with my WH, the how awful it must be that the OW has to live in a loveless marriage, stay in it until her youngest turns 18, how lonely she must be in a relationship like that, yada yada yada... I lamented with him about her life and how, with having kids in the house, it might be better for her to divorce rather than the kids see a loveless marriage.

(...of course this was all before dday occurred...)


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
LiedtoLucy
♀ 39246
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! This is the most infuriating part to me.

When I think about the part where I was working full time, pregnant with my 3rd DS, taking care of my other two DS's (7 y.o and 3 y.o.) alone almost every night. Enormously pregnant and chasing the kids up and down the stairs and the "Go to bed" fights every night. Breaking up fights. Cleaning up after them.

Of course on most of FWH night's off he would call me at work and say, "honey they are short at work tonight and we need the money so I am going to go in and work.".

Ugh! I can't think about it anymore. It makes me want to run screaming and never look back. selfish arses!


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Itstoohard
♀ 37629
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did I do to give I him his freedom to cheat? How about unknowingly let him fly to see her 2000 miles away cuz' he's always wanted to visit Texas. Of course I had spent time picking out suits with matching ties and shirts. He had met her when she was working here. Guess we had the same taste in clothes too.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
TheBestMe
♀ 39476
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a lot to help my husband cheat on me! I am such a super wife!
I encouraged him in his hobby of fishing and hunting. Even though I hated how he spent every free moment he had away from our home working out of town. He never took any extra clothes. He told me they were already in his car. He would wash them at the hotel laundry. I did not insist on an explanation when he would come home from being out all day, but wouldn't have any fish, nor would he have any dirt or sweat or grime on him/his equipment, nor would there be any evidence he'd been outside at all. No sunscreen, no lovingly packed lunch eaten, nothing.

I did not snoop in "his" phone, wallet, briefcase, car, truck, backpack, tackle box, nothing. I respected his privacy.

I did not insist on an explanation for the mail that came to our post office box.

I did not insist on going with him when he would say that he was spending the holidays with his daughter and grandson.


I did not divorce him on the spot when an OW called our home phone & asked to speak with him.

I willingly turned the other cheek and tightly held the rose-colored glasses to my voluntarily blinded eyes for almost half our marriage.

I was the perfect idiot wife who helped her husband cheat on her.

@NatureGirl- You summed it up for me. I just did a little tweeking. I told my IC that I gave my H permission to have a girlfriend.

Ain't that some shit?


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ain't that some shit?

Even though at this point I know our marriage never had a chance, it was always doomed to fail, I do sometimes wish I'd have been stronger & more courageous and stood up for myself instead of being such a patsy. It is indeed a whole lotta shit.

I truly admire the BS's here who have the guts to not swallow the shit from Day One. Who tell their WS that this shit isn't going to fly. I would do that NOW, three years after DDay and hundreds of hours of IC later. I wish I'd have done it back in the beginning.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10029 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol- some of these just get me so, where only we BS can laugh at our naive trusting selves.

I let my fWH go out with co-workers drinking for the night while I stayed home with our 1yr old son and 3yrold daughter. The day before I helped him shop for clothes (like dark blue jeans and up-dated shoes from his still highschool 1993 yrs) thrilled that he wanted to get with the times (yeah like the rest-he was suddenly worried about his looks and vain). Curfew-12am

He was out with only her and her bestfriend girlfriend till 4am. So I watched our children. Her bf watched her 9yr old daughter. Then I caught a FB message later to each other laughing about how mad their significant others were that they were out late. She (OW) just said oh well, to be expected...I will just make him breakfast in bed.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to taking care of our 4 kids, our house, & working outside of the home,
during the months before Dday,
I bought & cooked him special food (he was on a diet & lost a lot of weight!) so that he would look hot for OW!

PS I couldn't figure out how he was getting the motivation to do it!

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:25 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Dec 2012
lostinthesouth
♀ 41377
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Sad in AZ I did the waxing of the back hair And the buying all his clothes so he looked good, and ran the kids around everywhere, and laundry, etc Now he can go out and if he has some shit stuck in his teeth, or has hair growing on his back -- I just (in my best Frozen rendition) "Let it Go" ...lol

Posts: 113 | Registered: Nov 2013
pjkmkjm23
♂ 35778
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in lurker mode for 6 months but this thread yanked me right back! I'm 2 years out from DDay (next month) and although the highs and lows of this infidelity roller coaster we all ride has diminished, the memory of what I did to enable her A still invokes the same amount of anger, shame, embarrassment, etc.

We were tight on finances and trying to watch every penny. We live in the country and it's a half hour drive one way to town and our vehicles were hard on gas. My XWW would use any excuse to go 'shopping' and it would be gone hours every time. I'd happily stay home with the kids....we all pretty much got used to it anyways...but when I'd suggest to her that we cut down on trips to town to save money, or suggest she take even just 1 of the kids with her so they could have some bonding time....she would give me excuse after excuse of why she needed to go and go alone. Her fav excuse was that it was her "me time" and she enjoyed the peace and quiet of walking up and down the aisles alone and it helped her 'unwind'. I bet!

The one that makes me angriest tho is when we needed to take my disabled son to a doctor in a city 12 hr drive away. She suggested I take ALL the kids with me and we all go without her. She said she wanted to take advantage of the 'alone time' to do a big home renovation project and wanted to surprise us with it when we got back. Although we all wanted her to come, I gave in and took the kids without her.

We were gone about three days already when she told me on the phone that her boss had come over the night before to 'help her' with the project and they 'worked on it' until 4am that morning! (Later I realized she probably told me this in case I was asked by anyone later why her boss was out here so late that night.) Keep in mind, she had already had a previous A (one that I knew about anyways....now I wonder sometimes how many more I didn't know about!) a few years ago that we basically rug swept but even still, I had finally got to the point where I felt safe again and believed I could trust her and that she would never put us through this again. Even with all that hard won again trust re-established, this was sending off alarm bells like crazy and I let her know I wasn't very happy about that. She actually made me feel stupid for my reaction and reminded me how hard she was 'working' on her project....FOR US...and that she hit a snag she couldn't handle herself and really needed help. She went on and on about how awesome it was that her boss HELPED US out and didn't charge us for his time and gave up a Saturday evening....FOR US! She had my head so twisted around and made me feel bad for even questioning her faithfulness that I actually phoned her boss and thanked him myself for all his "HARD WORK"!

It gets worse....before I hung up she told me she thought she would need a couple more days to finish the renovations. She insisted that it was very important to her to have this done before we got home so she could surprise us. She asked me to do whatever I could to delay coming home until she had it ready. So yes, trusting fool I was, I took the kids to stay a couple of more days with relatives who lived near where we were and basically stayed there until XWW said we could come home!

I get so angry still when I think what a fool I was and how they must have been laughing their ass off at me (especially when I called to thank him for 'his help' while I was out of town and unable to 'help her' myself!)!

This is not something I want to win but I've always felt I must be a contender for 'stupidest, enabling spouse of a WS'


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
pjkmkjm23
♂ 35778
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw, her 'renovation project' turned out to be not much more than she painted the living room walls!!!

The reason she needed the bosses help was to move some heavier furniture out of the way and then to replace it afterwards. She put some trim up on the walls too (can't remember what that's called....wainscoting?).

I bet it all could have been done in 2-4 hrs. The kids and I were gone an entire week!!


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
lostinthesouth
♀ 41377
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@pjkmkjm23--I was going to ask if she did an entire kitchen remodel..

Posts: 113 | Registered: Nov 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to make his life easy.

That was stupid. He was the man, he should have been trying to make MY life easy.

He crossed the line of respect over and over with me, and I didn't see it.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2325 | Registered: Jan 2012
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I defuzzed his back hair. There wasn't much, I barely noticed it but apparently someone didn't like it. Still pisses me off that.I.helped groom him for ow...f**kface


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the perfect idiot wife who helped her husband cheat on her.

Yup, this exactly.

And ... I'm a bartender. Work all weekend nights. Beloved XH had almost a years worth of date nights w/OW whilest I was at work. Lemme add, XH would 'approve' what I was wearing to work, b/c he didn't want his hot W getting hit on. I'm such a fucking fool, all the nights I came home at 4 am, XH wasn't there and when I'd call him, he'd claim he was at his BFF's house. Like the naive idiot, I believed it. In hindsight, I'd like to shoot him in the knee. (Possibly me too for being so damn stupid)


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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