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What we do to give them their freedom to have an A

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hopefulmother posted 4/22/2014 15:09 PM

17months out and doing well.

But, sometimes we have those angry days. Today is one of them.

Just a thought on what we do at home to give them their chances to have A.

I did my husbands laundry, so he can be dressed handsomely to go out to the bar with his OW. Thanks...

I took care of him and did all the work. Cook, clean, make apps, pay bills, give back massages, sex, take care of kids, and make family plans. So he could be free to give what I worked for away to some other woman that didn't deserve it.

Yeah...my former WH was a cake eater.

norabird posted 4/22/2014 15:13 PM

Oooh this still makes me mad when I think about it. I used the time my exWBf would get home late, after hours of not answering his phone and my frantic calls, to do the dishes and change the cat litter.

Though maybe I am more mad at myself than at him for this. I thought I was doing my best but I was letting him walk all over my boundaries and reasonable needs.

Sad in AZ posted 4/22/2014 15:15 PM

I helped him dye is graying, balding hair until d-day. Bleh.

norabird posted 4/22/2014 15:17 PM

I helped him dye is graying, balding hair until d-day. Bleh.

Oh Sazzy, I'm sorry but I had to laugh--just because they are SO vain, aren't they?

Nature_Girl posted 4/22/2014 15:27 PM

I did a lot to help my husband cheat on me! I am such a super wife!

I digitally cropped a family portrait so it was just a head shot of him. This was so he could put it on his Linked-In profile, of course. It had nothing to do with the fact that he then mailed it to the OW as she sat in prison. Nothing at all. I made it so he didn't have to outright lie to her that he was very much married & cheating on me.

I encouraged him in his hobby of fishing, even though I hated how he spent every free moment he had away from our home and out in the wild. I did not hold him accountable for the 20-30 hours a week of unfettered free time he had. I did not insist on an explanation when he would come home from being out all day, but wouldn't have any fish, nor would he have any dirt or sweat or grime on him/his equipment, nor would there be any evidence he'd been outside at all. No sunscreen, no lovingly packed lunch eaten, nothing.

I did not snoop in "his" phone, wallet, briefcase, car, truck, backpack, tackle box, nothing. I respected his privacy.

I did not insist on an explanation for the post office box key on his key ring.

I did not insist on an explanation when he would come home smelling like perfume, or when I found lipstick on his underwear, or when I found cum stains on his clothing.

I did not divorce him on the spot when an OW called our home phone & quizzed me as to who the hell I was.

I willingly turned the other cheek and tightly held the rose-colored glasses to my voluntarily blinded eyes for our entire marriage. I was the perfect idiot wife who helped her husband cheat on her.

PositiveAttitude posted 4/22/2014 15:49 PM

I watched our children (including my stepchild) on weekends so he could spend time with OW under the guise of "work." Then when he got home I did his laundry for the weekend.

When he told me he had to leave the house to help a friend in the middle of the night I told him I understood. When he told me he was going to games with a friend who's wife had just left him - I encourage him to spend time with his friend. Inquired about how he was doing even.

Yep, I'm really thoughtful, caring and helpful that way!

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/22/2014 16:07 PM

I spent hours discussing, with my WH, the how awful it must be that the OW has to live in a loveless marriage, stay in it until her youngest turns 18, how lonely she must be in a relationship like that, yada yada yada... I lamented with him about her life and how, with having kids in the house, it might be better for her to divorce rather than the kids see a loveless marriage.

(...of course this was all before dday occurred...)

LiedtoLucy posted 4/22/2014 16:08 PM

OMG! This is the most infuriating part to me.

When I think about the part where I was working full time, pregnant with my 3rd DS, taking care of my other two DS's (7 y.o and 3 y.o.) alone almost every night. Enormously pregnant and chasing the kids up and down the stairs and the "Go to bed" fights every night. Breaking up fights. Cleaning up after them.

Of course on most of FWH night's off he would call me at work and say, "honey they are short at work tonight and we need the money so I am going to go in and work.".

Ugh! I can't think about it anymore. It makes me want to run screaming and never look back. selfish arses!

Itstoohard posted 4/22/2014 17:23 PM

What did I do to give I him his freedom to cheat? How about unknowingly let him fly to see her 2000 miles away cuz' he's always wanted to visit Texas. Of course I had spent time picking out suits with matching ties and shirts. He had met her when she was working here. Guess we had the same taste in clothes too.

TheBestMe posted 4/22/2014 17:39 PM

I did a lot to help my husband cheat on me! I am such a super wife!
I encouraged him in his hobby of fishing and hunting. Even though I hated how he spent every free moment he had away from our home working out of town. He never took any extra clothes. He told me they were already in his car. He would wash them at the hotel laundry. I did not insist on an explanation when he would come home from being out all day, but wouldn't have any fish, nor would he have any dirt or sweat or grime on him/his equipment, nor would there be any evidence he'd been outside at all. No sunscreen, no lovingly packed lunch eaten, nothing.

I did not snoop in "his" phone, wallet, briefcase, car, truck, backpack, tackle box, nothing. I respected his privacy.

I did not insist on an explanation for the mail that came to our post office box.

I did not insist on going with him when he would say that he was spending the holidays with his daughter and grandson.


I did not divorce him on the spot when an OW called our home phone & asked to speak with him.

I willingly turned the other cheek and tightly held the rose-colored glasses to my voluntarily blinded eyes for almost half our marriage.

I was the perfect idiot wife who helped her husband cheat on her.

@NatureGirl- You summed it up for me. I just did a little tweeking. I told my IC that I gave my H permission to have a girlfriend.

Ain't that some shit?

Nature_Girl posted 4/22/2014 18:10 PM

Ain't that some shit?

Even though at this point I know our marriage never had a chance, it was always doomed to fail, I do sometimes wish I'd have been stronger & more courageous and stood up for myself instead of being such a patsy. It is indeed a whole lotta shit.

I truly admire the BS's here who have the guts to not swallow the shit from Day One. Who tell their WS that this shit isn't going to fly. I would do that NOW, three years after DDay and hundreds of hours of IC later. I wish I'd have done it back in the beginning.

hopefulmother posted 4/22/2014 18:57 PM

lol- some of these just get me so, where only we BS can laugh at our naive trusting selves.

I let my fWH go out with co-workers drinking for the night while I stayed home with our 1yr old son and 3yrold daughter. The day before I helped him shop for clothes (like dark blue jeans and up-dated shoes from his still highschool 1993 yrs) thrilled that he wanted to get with the times (yeah like the rest-he was suddenly worried about his looks and vain). Curfew-12am

He was out with only her and her bestfriend girlfriend till 4am. So I watched our children. Her bf watched her 9yr old daughter. Then I caught a FB message later to each other laughing about how mad their significant others were that they were out late. She (OW) just said oh well, to be expected...I will just make him breakfast in bed.

mchercheur posted 4/22/2014 19:24 PM

In addition to taking care of our 4 kids, our house, & working outside of the home,
during the months before Dday,
I bought & cooked him special food (he was on a diet & lost a lot of weight!) so that he would look hot for OW!

PS I couldn't figure out how he was getting the motivation to do it!

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:25 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

lostinthesouth posted 4/22/2014 21:14 PM

@Sad in AZ I did the waxing of the back hair And the buying all his clothes so he looked good, and ran the kids around everywhere, and laundry, etc Now he can go out and if he has some shit stuck in his teeth, or has hair growing on his back -- I just (in my best Frozen rendition) "Let it Go" ...lol

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/22/2014 21:24 PM

I've been in lurker mode for 6 months but this thread yanked me right back! I'm 2 years out from DDay (next month) and although the highs and lows of this infidelity roller coaster we all ride has diminished, the memory of what I did to enable her A still invokes the same amount of anger, shame, embarrassment, etc.

We were tight on finances and trying to watch every penny. We live in the country and it's a half hour drive one way to town and our vehicles were hard on gas. My XWW would use any excuse to go 'shopping' and it would be gone hours every time. I'd happily stay home with the kids....we all pretty much got used to it anyways...but when I'd suggest to her that we cut down on trips to town to save money, or suggest she take even just 1 of the kids with her so they could have some bonding time....she would give me excuse after excuse of why she needed to go and go alone. Her fav excuse was that it was her "me time" and she enjoyed the peace and quiet of walking up and down the aisles alone and it helped her 'unwind'. I bet!

The one that makes me angriest tho is when we needed to take my disabled son to a doctor in a city 12 hr drive away. She suggested I take ALL the kids with me and we all go without her. She said she wanted to take advantage of the 'alone time' to do a big home renovation project and wanted to surprise us with it when we got back. Although we all wanted her to come, I gave in and took the kids without her.

We were gone about three days already when she told me on the phone that her boss had come over the night before to 'help her' with the project and they 'worked on it' until 4am that morning! (Later I realized she probably told me this in case I was asked by anyone later why her boss was out here so late that night.) Keep in mind, she had already had a previous A (one that I knew about anyways....now I wonder sometimes how many more I didn't know about!) a few years ago that we basically rug swept but even still, I had finally got to the point where I felt safe again and believed I could trust her and that she would never put us through this again. Even with all that hard won again trust re-established, this was sending off alarm bells like crazy and I let her know I wasn't very happy about that. She actually made me feel stupid for my reaction and reminded me how hard she was 'working' on her project....FOR US...and that she hit a snag she couldn't handle herself and really needed help. She went on and on about how awesome it was that her boss HELPED US out and didn't charge us for his time and gave up a Saturday evening....FOR US! She had my head so twisted around and made me feel bad for even questioning her faithfulness that I actually phoned her boss and thanked him myself for all his "HARD WORK"!

It gets worse....before I hung up she told me she thought she would need a couple more days to finish the renovations. She insisted that it was very important to her to have this done before we got home so she could surprise us. She asked me to do whatever I could to delay coming home until she had it ready. So yes, trusting fool I was, I took the kids to stay a couple of more days with relatives who lived near where we were and basically stayed there until XWW said we could come home!

I get so angry still when I think what a fool I was and how they must have been laughing their ass off at me (especially when I called to thank him for 'his help' while I was out of town and unable to 'help her' myself!)!

This is not something I want to win but I've always felt I must be a contender for 'stupidest, enabling spouse of a WS'

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/22/2014 21:31 PM

Btw, her 'renovation project' turned out to be not much more than she painted the living room walls!!!

The reason she needed the bosses help was to move some heavier furniture out of the way and then to replace it afterwards. She put some trim up on the walls too (can't remember what that's called....wainscoting?).

I bet it all could have been done in 2-4 hrs. The kids and I were gone an entire week!!

lostinthesouth posted 4/22/2014 22:02 PM

@pjkmkjm23--I was going to ask if she did an entire kitchen remodel..

homewrecked2011 posted 4/22/2014 22:29 PM

I tried to make his life easy.

That was stupid. He was the man, he should have been trying to make MY life easy.

He crossed the line of respect over and over with me, and I didn't see it.

Ostrich80 posted 4/23/2014 02:35 AM

I defuzzed his back hair. There wasn't much, I barely noticed it but apparently someone didn't like it. Still pisses me off that.I.helped groom him for ow...f**kface

Vulcanized posted 4/23/2014 02:46 AM

I was the perfect idiot wife who helped her husband cheat on her.

Yup, this exactly.

And ... I'm a bartender. Work all weekend nights. Beloved XH had almost a years worth of date nights w/OW whilest I was at work. Lemme add, XH would 'approve' what I was wearing to work, b/c he didn't want his hot W getting hit on. I'm such a fucking fool, all the nights I came home at 4 am, XH wasn't there and when I'd call him, he'd claim he was at his BFF's house. Like the naive idiot, I believed it. In hindsight, I'd like to shoot him in the knee. (Possibly me too for being so damn stupid)

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