I'm almost exactly 6 months out from DDay, and the last month has been extremely difficult. I've spent the last 4-5 weeks in a giant funk, going from heartbroken to furious to resentful, and then cycling through them all again.
But today, I feel good. I don't know why. But suddenly I feel.....happy? Peaceful? I have clarity for the moment, and when I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my real, true self. That was nice. I've missed her. :)
Anyway, I know the emotions of this day are likely not here to stay. So I want to write this post to my future self, just as a simple reminder that might help me get back on track in another hour/day/week/month(?????) when I slip back down again.
Today, I see my H as someone I love, imperfections and all. I know that we're both devastated by his actions, but today I can see the broken, cracked places inside him, and I feel no desire to judge those pieces of who he is.
His choice to have an A turned his personal challenges into a direct attack on me. It caused me very real harm. But that attack is over, and I am making a choice to stay in this marriage. My choice is based on 1) my belief that the harm he caused me is over and will never happen again, and 2) my belief that if he truly does the work, he'll be the guy I want to be married to.
I now feel confident in my ability to build a happy, healthy future without him if it comes to that. I feel proud of who I am. Today, I don't feel like a chump. I feel proud of my capacity to love and trust and give. Today, those qualities make me feel strong - like a have a light inside me that nothing can extinguish.
I hope my H is strong enough to be the man we both deserve for him to be. I can see how hard he's working, and I'm hopeful. I feel closer to him every day. I miss him when he isn't here. I want this to work, because I think he's pretty amazing, and I think we're a really great team. But I know I have no control over his journey. And I'm okay with that. Because I have total faith in me, and my ability to heal and be awesome, again.