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the letter - BS responses are appreciated

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HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 16:58 PM

So, I've been reading and re-reading the advice I've received on here the last few days. I received some beautiful advice on how to confess to my boyfriend. So I wrote a letter, in fear that I will not be able to speak much after the confession starts. I would like your opinions on this letter. I may end up using it as guidelines when I talk to him, or I may simply give it to him if he decides he can't be around me, that way he can read it on his own terms. So here it is. (also please understand this is an apology letter more then anything, I do intend to give him details and discuss what happened in detail. this is mainly for after the confession, or if I can't talk anymore or he decides to leave)

BS
No matter how many time I write this, nothing is ever going to come out right. Thatís because there is no right way to say any of this, nor a right time or place. So I might as well get on with it.
I am incredibly sorry, I cheated on you 2 weeks ago Wednesday. I know you may not believe me when I say I am sorry, but I am. I am so so sorry, and I really do love you. Youíre the only man Iíve ever loved. I have known since I met you that I wanted to spend my life with you. What I did was in no way your fault. It was my stupid, selfish and horrible decision, and I can never erase it. It feels like some bloody nightmare I canít wake up from. I feel absolutely horrible for what I have done to you. I have never been so ashamed and disgusted of myself, or hated myself as much as I do now. I hope I can regain your trust over time, if you choose to stay with me. Itís going to be difficult, because what I have done is horrible. But I hope that with time, you can begin to forgive me. I truly do love you BS. I will love you until the day I die. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why I choose to risk everything I had with you, for one stupid night, I will never fully understand. I would do anything to go back and undo what has been done. If you choose to leave me, I completely understand. It would break my heart to see you leave, but if it is what you must do I understand it. Please yell at me, get angry, be mad, I deserve it. I canít apologize enough to you, but I want to try and make this right somehow. I am willing to go to therapy and work on this with you. I want to try and make this up to you. If you need time alone, a break in the relationship, or just time away from me, I understand that as well. I am not asking you to make any decisions here and now. I will give you as much time as you need to reach your decision, and whatever decision you make I will respect it 100%. I have decided to give up alcohol, as I know it was a factor in my decisions that night. I no longer trust myself with it, and wonít be drinking it again. I have already been tested for STIís, and am getting tested again in a few months to ensure I am still clean. If you want, I will give you the passwords to any and all my online accounts, emails, facebook, everything. I will even install an app on my phone that will send any texts I get straight to you. If this is what you want. I will also answer every single question you have, 100% honestly. I will do anything to gain your trust back and show you that I truly do love you. We/you can choose to tell anyone you want, or we can keep this between ourselves. It is your choice. Please tell me if there is anything I can say or do to better this situation. I want to make this right, I know there is no way to undo what has been done, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and realize I do love you. I hope you can see how truly ashamed of myself I am, and how truly sorry I am for my actions. I hope that at the end of all this, we can still be together, and have a better, stronger relationship built on trust and honesty. I love you BS. And again, I am so sorry.


Did I miss anything? should I opt out any parts of it? I greatly appreciate and value all the advice I have received here, thank you all so much.

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 17:23 PM

I know you may not believe me when I say I am sorry, but I am. I am so so sorry, and I really do love you. Youíre the only man Iíve ever loved.

Respectfully, I suggest you delete everything after "I am so so sorry." He will not be able or willing to hear "I really do love you. You're the only man I ever loved." To him, it will be, for now, self-evidently not true. And it will cast doubt on the sincerity of the rest.

Deeply Scared posted 4/22/2014 17:29 PM

I disagree. My H needed to hear me tell him that I loved him over and over again, despite the huge amount of pain he was in and the fact that he had zero faith in me.

That's all part of rebuilding...imho

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 17:41 PM

I certainly have no monopoly on wisdom. Men are different from one another.

Something similar actually happened to me. It was long ago but the memory is vivid.

If I had been told, in the first disclosure, "Youíre the only man Iíve ever loved," I would have snapped back furiously "Then how could you do this to me?" I'm not sure I would even hear the rest.

I agree the the assurances of love are critical. But I would say them after the first disclosure and his first reaction/vent. And truthfully, I really would forever delete the word ONLY. Just stick to "You are the man I love." ONLY invites, almost begs for, the inevitable bitter refutation.

GF, I am not trying to make you feel worse. I really am trying to help--from the perspective of someone who was on the receiving end of a similar message from my first love, with whom I was head over heels.

Deeply Scared posted 4/22/2014 17:43 PM

I understand Owl...I think all points are well received and appreciated!!

HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 17:47 PM

Thank you both for your response, it's greatly appreciated. However, I think I will remove the world "only" I can say that when everyone has calmed down a bit - assuming he decides to see me some point after he finds out. When I wrote that, I realized he would probably not believe it, but you're right, he may be so angry with that statement he may not hear the rest of what I have to say. I can say that to him after the initial confrontation and discussion.

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 17:47 PM

I would also recommend reconsidering this one:

"I hope that at the end of all this, we can still be together, and have a better, stronger relationship built on trust and honesty."

I understand what you mean, but I think it likely he will hear it as implying that he was equally responsible for relationship being 'bad' and 'weak', (converse of better and stronger) and the resulting loss of trust and honesty.

Something like "I pray that at the end of all this, you can still be with me, we can be together, and I can earn your trust."

GF, take my ideas for what they are, ideas. It is a good letter. I just think those are the spots his ears will not hear what you want mean, but something bad instead.

HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 17:50 PM

all your responses are welcome. i've never been in this situation nor known anyone who had to go through it (that I know of) so believe me, EVERY suggestion helps. and I agree. I was the one who committed the betrayal, and what I would want to hear from him and what he will want to hear from me are completely different things. I also agree with that, it does imply he has some blame for this, which he does not. It was in no way at all his fault.

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 17:51 PM

"I think I will remove the world "only" "

That solves 95% of the problem. It is one word that I am dead certain he will not react well to right now.

HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 17:53 PM

I opted out the only and changed the other sentence as well, it reads "I hope at the end of all this, you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I can work on making this a better relationship." - although I still feel like that's not quiet right...

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 17:57 PM

Oh GF, I really like you, and I am so sad for you. It is going to be really rough.

"what I would want to hear from him and what he will want to hear from me are completely different things."

YES.

What he wants and needs to hear boils down to three things, over and over and over:


1. I am sorry.
2. I am broken.
3. YOU are the man I love.

I want to explain number two--it is important. A "break" implies total surrender, and holds out the promise of transformation that can come after pride and ego are surrendered. That is too subtle for him to hear on day one, but it will be vital down the road.

steadfast1973 posted 4/22/2014 17:57 PM

I disagree. My H needed to hear me tell him that I loved him over and over again, despite the huge amount of pain he was in and the fact that he had zero faith in me.

I also needed this from my fwh. His confession on Dday2 is his only saving grace. He said many of the things you say in your letter, and it helped a lot.

"I think I will remove the world "only" "
That solves 95% of the problem. It is one word that I am dead certain he will not react well to right now.

Yeah, telling me I was his one and only made me want to hit him with a brick... that and he (still) says "I love you MORE." Don't say that. But... seriously, don't say that.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 6:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 18:00 PM

"and I can work on making this a better relationship." "

No, it's not. It still directly implies that relationship was "worse" before, and that because it was "worse" you may have had justification for your decision. I KNOW that;s not what you mean, but that's what the betrayed ear will hear.

"making myself someone worthy of you?" "Worthy of your love?"

Play with the words, but the idea is transformation of you, not of the relationship.

HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 18:03 PM

Thank you Owl6118, your advice has been very helpful. How about " I hope that at the end of all this, you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done, and give me a chance to work on regaining your trust" ? I think it sounds better, it doesn't imply the relationship was previously broken, and doesn't imply that he had anything to do with it. Just that I need to work hard to regain his trust.

Owl6118 posted 4/22/2014 18:08 PM

Perfect, GF. I won't call you horrible, so GF it must be.

HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 18:14 PM

Thank you Owl6118. I'm starting to feel a bit better. not about what I did, but that I have a plan on how to tell him, and hopes of making it right.

cantaccept posted 4/22/2014 18:17 PM

GF,

BS here, I would have given anything to have receive this letter. I am sitting here crying reading this.

I wish you the best. I hope you two can work it out. True remorse, empathy, those really are the keys to all of this.

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/22/2014 18:23 PM

GF, I'm sorry you and your bs are in this situation.
Owl and Deeply Scared gave great points based on their experiences.
I appreciated your letter. Your bs will be in a lot of pain, but this letter is something I wished my fWH could've said to me in the beginning as we stumbled after DDay. I pray you and your BS can get thru this. Getting help here is a great part of doing things right for the both of you. Take care and best of wishes to your situation.

painfulpast posted 4/22/2014 18:23 PM

very respectfully, are you planning on being there and handing him the letter, or are you planning on mailing, or emailing, it to BS?

I truly admire that you are going to confess. I'm sure it's a scary and very difficult thing to do, but it's the right thing. You're giving him a choice, and that's very precious.

I do hope you're planning on being there in person. Receiving that message unannounced, and unexpected, could seem so much colder than I think you intend.

Again, I admire your courage. People make mistakes, ALL people. It's really great that you're so willing to work on this and be honest. You're a brave, and special, person.
((((hugs))))

HorribleGF posted 4/22/2014 18:27 PM

Thank you Can, knowing that you, and BreathAgain10, would have benefited from this letter gives me hope, and reassures me that I am doing the right thing. You guys are giving me hope that this may not be the end of it all. That there is a chance for me to redeem myself, and prove to my BBF that I love him and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship last. Thank you, all of you, for your support.

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