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Newest Member: harleyhugs (45741)

User Topic: Feeling lost and alone (very long vent)
trying2live
♀ 41231
Member # 41231
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been almost 5 years since my affair. My WH and I have been trying to work through all of the pain and continue with our marriage. This past year has been so emotional and I am surprised I still have any tears left to shed. Almost 2 years ago, my husband admitted he fell out of love with me. I understood why he felt that way. I had hurt him in the worst possible way. I take full ownership for my actions and will always hate myself for the pain he has felt. For awhile I believed him when he said he wanted our marriage to work. That all changed a year ago when I found out about a friend he use to work with. The way he talked about her, I knew there was something more. My gut told me he had feelings for him. He did admit to me that she had feelings for him. He always told me it was just a friendship. As their friendship grew, his feelings and anger really showed. He told me last summer he didn't know if he wanted to still be married to me. He did not know what he wanted. I gave him the time he needed and told him I will always fight for us. Again we agreed to work on our marriage. For for awhile, I could see him really trying. He was loving, for awhile he could even tell me he loved me. I had started to become okay with his friendship. Well until recently. They would make plans and I was hurt because it seemed like he couldn't make time for me. I don't expect the world. For me it is the simple things that I appreciate. I would ask him if his feeling for her had returned but he always said no. Last week I found an email that he sent to her. It stated that both of them admitted to each other that there were deep feelings between them. I was so hurt. I know I was the one who actually had the physical affair. Maybe I don't deserve to feel the pain of his emotional affair (which he will not admit to, and tells me I am making this into a bigger issue than it is) But I am hurt. He tells me that he feels empty. Well I feel empty and alone. How do I keep fighting for a marriage and my family when I wonder if I should let him go so he can be happy. It is the last thing I want to do but I am not sure what else to do. I love him very much. This month will be 17 years since our 1st date. I know things will never be perfect. I am okay with that. But I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have a husband who wants to be with me. I may have my flaws but I have so much to give. I still daydream of my future with him. I just don't know how much more fight I have in me. How do I compete for a friendship that seems more important than me? How do I get over my insecurities? I feel so alone right now.


"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It's when you don't understand yourself." - Unknown

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: East Coast
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi T2L,

I'm so sorry you're hurting, what an awful situation to be in. Here, have a cyber hug ((((Trying2live))))

First of all, this thing going on between your husband and his ex coworker is NOT a friendship. It is an emotional affair.

Please read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass, it will help to clarify things for you. Your husband should also read it. Hopefully it will be the 2x4 he needs.

Second of all, no BS can say that the wayward's affair was 100% the wayward's shit to own but then justify their own affair with the pain caused by their spouse's betrayal. Does that make sense?

So a BS cannot say "Your A was because you were broken, mine was because you cheated first." Shit owning is a two way street.

Personally, I don't think revenge affairs exist. It's just another affair because the BS is broken in their own way. Yes they've been handed a lot of pain but not all BS' go out and cheat, most have adequate coping mechanisms.

My rather laboured point is, yes you are justified in feeling hurt by this. It is not your fault.

Is MC an option at the moment? Is your now WH in IC at all. You can have deal breakers too, you know.

Sending strength.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1265 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
trying2live
♀ 41231
Member # 41231
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both seeing an IC. Well I stopped because my IC kept canceling so I am in the process of finding a new one. I have told him many times he is having an emotional affair but he always blows that off and says I am making more of it than it really is. Thank you so much for your response and your advice.


"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It's when you don't understand yourself." - Unknown

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: East Coast
trying2live
♀ 41231
Member # 41231
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both seeing an IC. Well I stopped because my IC kept canceling so I am in the process of finding a new one. I have told him many times he is having an emotional affair but he always blows that off and says I am making more of it than it really is. Thank you so much for your response and your advice.


"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It's when you don't understand yourself." - Unknown

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: East Coast
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, t2l. He is minimizing what is a full blown EA, and he is using you as a safety net.

You get to take everything you learned here about what cheating on your partner means, and use it in reverse. You do NOT deserve this. He chose to stay - he made commitments to you that he is breaking. Yes, the original betrayal broke his heart and mind, but it's been long enough that he knows the difference between right and wrong.

If he needs to end the marriage, that's his prerogative, but lying to you and exploring his options while married is wrong. There's no gray area.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 7:13 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
trying2live
♀ 41231
Member # 41231
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jrazz - I agree with you. He tells me he wants our marriage to work and he doesn't want a divorce. I have acknowledged all of his feeling towards my actions. I just wish he would respect my feelings and not act like they don't matter. I am sick of feeling like I don't matter and that witch means more to him than I do. I am tired of crying. I know I need to focus on me so I can be a better mom to our children. Maybe it is time that I start taking care of me..


"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It's when you don't understand yourself." - Unknown

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: East Coast
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very important that you take care of you. That doesn't mean forsaking him, that means knowing that your health and energy are very important - to you AND your kids.

(((t2l)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 7

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