SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

anyak posted 4/22/2014 18:05 PM

My fiancé and I have been together for just over three years. He proposed this past New Years Eve.

Our relationship was wonderful. Loving, trusting, full of laughter and happiness. I never, ever suspected anything and in fact, part of what I loved about him was his honesty and trustworthiness. He was the last person on earth that I would think would cheat. We were amazing. He made me so happy and I made him happy.

He was previously married but over 20 years ago. His ex-wife cheated on him and left him for the other man. He then had a series of bad relationships that he ruined in one way or another, but never cheating. Then the relationship before me was long distance. They saw each other no more than once or twice a month. It was always brief and fleeting. He knew something was wrong and eventually found out after two years that she had been with someone else the whole time. Instead of getting angry and telling her he found out, he just ended it. But she didn't respect his decision and kept on like everything was fine. Calling him, texting him, telling him she knew they were supposed to end up together and that she loved him. Unfortunately, he indulged her.

Even after we started dating and made a commitment to one another, it continued. I also found out that this past August he went to see her as some sort of "closure" and that he was moving out to CA with me where'd I'd moved several months prior for a job. Instead of closure he slept with her. He found out that several weeks prior that she got married. And again, instead of telling her he knew he almost wanted to get her back. Make her cheat on her husband. He used sex as a weapon.

He says it was all a game for him. Some sort of revenge. He still cared for her and wanted to be better than her spouse and be the good guy but he was also taking out his anger at her for what she did by indulging her. It just makes no sense to me!!

I found out from emails I saw on his computer. He says they only met up once and only had sex once but this has been going on for 3 years and I can't believe he is telling the full truth. He didn't admit all of it at once, first it was just over the phone, then they met but didn't have sex, then they had sex. I don't think I know the full story but also not sure if it matters.

I am completely lost and feel violated and betrayed. He says that he never ever loved her. He left his job back East which he loved to come out here and be with me and proposed to me. He says he is self destructive and doesn't deserve to be loved and that is why he did this. But his love for me was always real. And he never wanted her, he always wanted me.

He wants to work on it and so do I but I feel stupid and worthless for wanting that. It's really helpful to hear other people in these situations. No one deserves to go through this. Any and all support would be greatly appreciated.

katyp posted 4/22/2014 18:11 PM

I'm new as well so don't feel able to offer advice but I am thinking of you. X

Chinadoll30 posted 4/22/2014 19:22 PM

I know so little about infidelity, only that it sucks, it hurts, and it is one huge mind fuck. Do you have a counselor? For both yourself and you together? It sounds as if he has major hang ups from this previous woman that he needs to work through before he can fully commit to you. I'm so sorry. It just sucks.

[This message edited by Chinadoll30 at 7:22 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

pessimisticynic posted 4/22/2014 19:51 PM

Some similarities to my situation and it hurts to see. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My WxBF said the same, self destructive, low self esteem, doesn't know what love is and doesn't feel he deserves love. Well, why cheat if that's how you feel? Shouldn't it be the exact opposite? Grateful that someone loves you and do everything to protect it? Some people are too damaged and can't help but scar the people around them. You only hurt the ones you love, and only love the ones you hurt kind of thing. It hurts and is so messed up but that's what I've learned going through this.

He's a great guy with you, but you don't deserve that treatment. That's not how you show the people you love that you care. Sadly, they just never learned and may never learn. But do you really want to stick around and find out if he will? Even if it means wounding you more? I know I don't. He was never committed to you in the first place. Sadly, I know what that feels like. You spend time with someone and you think you know them, until they show you that you only saw what they wanted you to see. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

norabird posted 4/22/2014 23:09 PM

I am so sorry. Scared is a good reaction. He admits he is self-destructive--please believe him and make your escape. He is telling you he's no good partly out of self-pity, but that doesn't make it less true.

If he doesn't love her, why did he go see her? Why did he need to win her back from her new husband?!

If he does love you, again, is this love--betrayal for a game? To win some twisted prize no one of right mind would want?

The feelings of shame and self-hatred that he has may seem like a good sign to you. They aren't. Someone who loves themselves, and who deserves to be loved, does not behave in this way. Shame often perpetuates bad behavior--if someone thinks their core is bad, why try to be truly better? It's a very bad pattern that you cannot fix. In fact:

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him

And knowing how he really is now...if he didn't change, would you want to be with this person? You wouldn't.

I know how hard it is to accept that you've been in love with a facade. With a kind of act. All of your memories do special pleading. It's so hard to let go of past happiness and dreams of future happiness! But how could you trust someone who operates this way, and have that trust be earned? Sometimes, when people show us their true colors, we paint over them in the shade we prefer. Don't do that. People like this inflict a world of hurt. You have experienced some of that--don't sign up for more.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:51 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]