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Who is this lunatic I was married to?

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RavenWood posted 4/22/2014 21:01 PM

Divorced for 3 months now - both of us moving on with our lives. Sharing kids 50/50, everything going as smoothly as it possibly could be given the situation.

Until today... when my kids told me their mother brought over a male friend who they had never met AND he stayed the night all in their 1 bedroom apartment.

I, the sound rational one, professionally went ape-shit on her ass. Totally condoning this decision / action / moment of pure stupidity.

The real puzzler is her response - mind you the woman I was married to was a sane rational human being who often judged others for their poor decisions and often thought of people as bad parents for much less crimes - like taking their kids out on a brisk fall day without a hat, or not wiping their nose after a sneeze as quickly as she could.

Her response to a strange man spending the night was that she had been dating him for 3 months - waited those 3-grueling-months before introducing him to the kids, and then on the same day didn't see any problem with him spending the night.

We debated. We argued. We neglected to see eye-to-eye. Who in their right mind thinks that's in the best interest of the children, a good role model, or anywhere near acceptable?!?

Seriously, who is this person I was once married to - it sure isn't the person who shunned others for not wearing a hat or wiping up snot fast enough.

nekorb posted 4/22/2014 22:47 PM

Wow.. Rationalization at its finest, eh? Do the kids sleep in this bedroom as well? If so I'd be putting a stop to that shit right freaking now.

Ugh. I completely understand not recognizing the person you we're with for x number of years. My WH is the Pet Sematary version of himself.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/22/2014 22:56 PM

Call your attorney and ask what can be done. In my case -- get this-- my XWH moved into a CAMPER by a pond. The OW would stay in the camper with my 2 sons there! OMG. My atty said I'd have to get a PI to take pix of the situation, that we can't use the kids conversations unless we got a guardian ad litem.

(In SC -- the standard divorce papers say -- no overnights with girlfriends/boyfriends.) But, still, there should be SOMETHING the atty can do with this guy staying in a 1 bedroom with your kids there.

cmego posted 4/23/2014 07:01 AM

Isn't it amazing??

My EX was heavily involved in church and loved to criticize/judge others.

Pot, meet kettle.

There is something twisted in their mind. Remember that. You just couldn't see it before. Now she doesn't have to hide it from you.

EvenKeel posted 4/23/2014 07:23 AM

I am sorry Raven - it sucks.

Scares me to death to think of the stuff my kiddos have probably witnessed in the past.

On a good note ( is a small one - lol)....but you DO know. Meaning, my ex made the kids lie, etc. Sounds like in your case, your ex at least has the kuhunas to be frank about her position (even if it is distorted) so you know exactly what you are dealing with and how to help the kids through this transition.

I really don't know if there is squat you can do though. I actually had a clause in my divorce that ex could not have overnight guest of the opposite gender when he had the kiddos. He not only did...but moved his GF and her DS in the house.

Sighhhhhh - I empathsize with you. Hugs!

Caretaker1 posted 4/23/2014 07:46 AM

It's insane and they think with their crotch. They are not role models and need someone and can't stand being alone. Fuck em.

Unfortunately, you are divorced none of our business anymore. She's a fucking idiot but what do you expect. Encourage them to get married.

Kajem posted 4/23/2014 09:22 AM


My XH met with the kids therapist about how to handle overnights (at my insistence) as he was moving in with ow and her 2 kids. We had been separated 3 months (divorce not filed) and my kids already met ow.

Anyway he agreed with the therapist, left while the kids had their appt. picked them up after for their first time spending the night at ow's 2 bedroom apt.

He followed none of her recommendations for a smooth transition for the kids! My 4 kids were in the living room. Her dd was in her bedroom, ow's son was in the dining room. XH and ow were in the bedroom.

Littlest DD(then 8) was feeling ill. Her sisters called me at 2am! I lived 2 hours away. They didn't want to wake up daddy because there was music playing, and other noises. I called him, he answered. At the same time the kids were knocking (littlest was vomiting all over the living room by this time) he answered the door phone to his ear, hiding behind the door, and ow hiding behind him or so my kids tell me.

And he wonders why the kids don't make him a priority in their lives- they were never a priority in his new life.

It sucks to watch them throw their moral compass away in front of the kids.


allatsea posted 4/24/2014 03:58 AM

My ex wife introduced my children to her AP BEFORE I found out about the affair. They met him under the pretence of 'going to mummy's work to have have lunch with her boss'.

Then once I found out and I was living with my dad for the first few weeks, she was having him over to the family home for evening meals and days WITH the children. I know they had sex in the house while my children slept upstairs.

The minute I discovered that I moved back in. She moved herself out, took the children and was living with him in their new rented house within one week. The boys saw them in bed together straight away. No hiding it, no shame and no guilt. No thoughts about the boys whatsoever.
It makes me sick to think about it. And I'm powerless to do anything about it

SBB posted 4/24/2014 06:00 AM

They met him under the pretence of 'going to mummy's work to have have lunch with her boss'.

Yep - my girls knew OWUmpteen as one of daddy's work friends for years.

We agreed no meeting be partners for a year or two - he thought I'd shack up quickly (nope - no bandaids required here). The agreement was only intended for me - not him. I guess he could argue they'd been together 5 years by them - 4.5 during our M but who bothers with minor details like that????

Don't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M. You're trying to appeal to her sense of decency. It left the building.

If there's anything you can do about it legally, do it.

If not - talking to her is a waste of energy. Focus on helping your kids navigate through this without imposing your feelings on them.

My girls have many more iterations of his 'the one' to deal with over the coming years. There's nothing I can do about it. Ill keep modelling healthy behaviour for them and if/when the time comes they'll see the vast difference in how their parents bring new people into their lives.

I'm surprised a parent can do this - any of it but especially the insta-family. They have no empathy for the confusion and anxiety it wreaks upon their kids. My 6 y/o has already learned she can't share these feelings with her dad. She acts out and he blames me rather than try to help her.

It's a sad, sad state of affairs. I as doubled over in pain when this 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher to my then almost 5 and 2 y/olds as his GF a mere 20w after the end of a 3m False R. She wasn't even DDOW.

He has moved 3 times in the last 18m - zero regard for allowing my girls some time to stabilise.

What helps me cope is surrendering to to and reminding myself that the only thing worse than that whore being around my precious girls is the thought of someone being unkind to them. Better the Whore You Know is where I'm at - I can't say this is what I wanted for my girls. It's harder on them than me - that's why it still stings.

Abbondad posted 4/24/2014 06:54 AM

So sorry, Ravenwood. You are not alone. Prior to the divorce, my nine-year-old found a picture of his mother's breasts texted to the AP and told me he felt like killing himself. In great distress I told his mother, whose response was simply, "He shouldn't have been looking at my phone."

Within two weeks of this she introduced the kids to him.

Twisted people indeed.

Klove posted 4/24/2014 10:32 AM

These conversations make me SICK.
What is wrong with these people?????

tryingagain74 posted 4/24/2014 13:08 PM

It's sad how little they think of what is right for their own children.

I can remember my then-STBX "assuring" me that he wouldn't do anything hasty. He said that he and OW were going to take their time.

Apparently, taking one's time means you introduce the kids to her in February and are married and have moved her and her kids in by July.

So, what my kids have learned from their father is that it's not only okay to rush headlong into another serious commitment, but it's also okay to overlap the two. My kids know the truth-- their father and I divorced because he was secretly dating their now-stepmommy-- but from the time they met her, which he tried to pretend was the first time for him as well, she went from new girlfriend to wife in the span of five months. She now lives in the marital home with her two kids, and my kids have been expected to happily participate in this farce of an insta-family.

It's amazing how they think that this is normal and healthy. My ex has NO idea what his kids really think. They are little and go along to get along (with my encouragement), but when the time comes that they'll have more say in visitation and become more outspoken about their feelings? He might get the message that he screwed up, but more likely, he'll just blame me for turning the kids against him.

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