[This message edited by GettingHappy at 9:19 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
Take care of yourself right now and try to take your emotions and desires out of the situation in order to think about what he really needs to show you in order for you to consider giving him another chance, if he is all in and fully remorseful. And please, see a lawyer to figure out your rights. Knowledge is power. I promise, you can reclaim the drivers seat in this relationship if you step up and take it. No one deserves to be treated this way.
I know I have to draw a line in the sand. I am having a really hard time thinking straight right now. Like you said, my emotions are getting in the way. I don't even think I have really let this sink in yet. I know it took awhile after Dday 1.
I know part of me wants to stay because he is going to go to IC and figure out what would cause him to make these choices and how he can change to make healthier choices. The question I have is how will I know if he's really changed?
As for the lawyer, do I tell I am seeing one to show I am serious? I know he sees that I am struggling with this decision but I don't know how much he really understands that I have one foot out the door - especially since I have let him back in.
We have a DD9 and a DD6 and see how happy they are that daddy is home and we have family time. I am not ready to be there emotionally for them yet. I know I have to be stronger for them if I want them to deal with a separation. They did not know he left last April since he was barely home to begin with- they would mention how Dad was eating all the cookies & he wasn't even home.
My other problem is my pride. I feel stupid if I stay but don't want to give up on something that could possibly be better than before all of this. It's all very confusing!
Thanks for listening & helping!
I hear hesitancy in your words. Are you afraid that your actions, meaning if you say the wrong thing or protect yourself, that will cause the end of your marriage?
I know that feeling. Please understand and this is hard, it hurts to know this but it is necessary for your survival of all of this.
You can only control you. If you say something, draw that lined in the sand, set your boundaries clearly and he reacts badly, leaves, ignores, gets angry, that is his choice. He is going to do whatever he choses no matter what you do.
If he is going to make the effort, if the marriage and you are important to him, what you do to protect yourself will not make him not love you.
I don't know if I am explaining this correctly, hopefully someone else will.
It just comes down to protect yourself, do not be hesitant to do that. He did not protect you and now needs to earn back your trust.
If he cares enough, if HE is worth your trust, he will show you no matter what. He will understand that you have to protect yourself.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
I had to stop IC because he left and I couldn't afford it. That was awful. Are you in IC right now?
I know that during those really weak moments I am vulnerable to him. Knowing it does not help me to not be.
It is a mind twister.
Have you read about emotional abuse? Try googling trauma bonding, the info might help you to see what is right for you.
I can't even imagine dealing with this when there are young children involved. You really must take care of you first in order to be strong enough to take care of them.
I am glad that you are not taking responsibility for his actions, keep stating your needs. It will show you who he is.
If you think about your conditions, set a timetable for them, and lay them out to him, and then refuse to try and 'nice' him into being with you and your DDs, he will get that you are serious. It's okay to not want to make a decision now if you feel he is really trying with IC. He can change if he wants to--if he really works for it. You will start to know he has changed if you see real remorse and total transparency. Of course R is always a risk. D is a risk too, but one that protects you from the risk of his cheating again.
Take care of you, and don't commit to R until you see if he can really become who he needs to be. If you see a lawyer, you could always discuss a post-nup and present that to your WH as a condition of his staying.
You and your DDs deserve someone who is 100% invested in your family. If WH can do that, and you can be a happy and peaceful family again (after putting in the hard work), great! If not, they have undoubtedly been picking up on all the last year's turmoil, and ending the uncertainty will be best for them in the long run as it will give them a new, stable normal.
Norabird- In a moment of anger I told him I may see a lawyer just in case things don't work out. But I will not mention it again. I am often too honest and have to learn to keep quiet. I told him this morning that he will have to meet my needs according to my timeline or this will not work. I feel numb most of the time and anger or sadness a little of the time. Anger helps me to state what I need and empowers me.
Trying to figure out what I need to make this work. I am in reconciling mode for now until the real feelings hit and then I will decide what I want and what is best for me and the girls.
I still can't believe he has become the "man" that he has become.
Thank you for your input- it is so nice to have support from others who have been there. I am so sorry we are all going through this!