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GettingHappy posted 4/22/2014 21:07 PM

My WH and I have been together for 19 years and married for 14. He had abused alcohol a few years ago but then got a DUI and didn't drink while on probation- at least in front of me. Out of the blue he moved out because he was unhappy last April. I knew we were going through a rough spot but thought we'd make it through. We have been going to MC ever since. WH moved back home in July. We continued to work on our relationship and things were slowly getting better- or so I thought. I was called by the OP around 1am on 11/28/13 after he broke it off with her. She also sent me a bunch of FB messages with details of the affair- which at that time lasted around 1 1/2 years-he lived with her when he moved out. She also told me about another affair he had a few years ago while he was abusing alcohol. After DDay we continued MC but I was definitely on the roller coaster. I was starting to rebuild trust- although part of me thought he was back in the affair. On Saturday I received more messages from her that he was seeing her again. I know not to the same extent as before DDay #1- but seeing her nonetheless. It doesn't matter if its just a phone call- any contact is a problem.
I want to try to make it work. We had financial issues but they are under control now. We are both less stressed because we feel a weight has been lifted. Our MC thinks WH wants the marriage but needs to go to IC to figure out why he tries to escape through alcohol and women. He could have left me many times because he had a way out. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. He lies so easily and so convincingly that it makes it hard to believe I can gain trust back. But I do love him and want my family to stay together. Is there anyone that has had a similar history that has regained trust or who is also trying after a 2nd DDay? Thanks for "listening".

[This message edited by GettingHappy at 9:19 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 4/22/2014 23:00 PM

I'm so sorry he betrayed you again. I won't rule out R, and maybe some have overcome similar or worse, but I would advise you to take a step back right now. He must do this work himself if he really is committed to the M. That means IC, no contact with the OW, total transparency. And you must be willing to draw a line in the sand, to know what you won't accept. It's hard when you love someone. We all get that. But for over a year he has been leaving you and then coming back, and you have been letting him. How much can he get away with? When will you draw the line? You have to think about that. There MUST be a line for you, or he has no reason to stop and you may be looking at years or decades of this ongoing pain.

Take care of yourself right now and try to take your emotions and desires out of the situation in order to think about what he really needs to show you in order for you to consider giving him another chance, if he is all in and fully remorseful. And please, see a lawyer to figure out your rights. Knowledge is power. I promise, you can reclaim the drivers seat in this relationship if you step up and take it. No one deserves to be treated this way.

GettingHappy posted 4/23/2014 03:39 AM

Thank you for responding Norabird. I've seen your responses on other threads and know you give sound advice.

I know I have to draw a line in the sand. I am having a really hard time thinking straight right now. Like you said, my emotions are getting in the way. I don't even think I have really let this sink in yet. I know it took awhile after Dday 1.

I know part of me wants to stay because he is going to go to IC and figure out what would cause him to make these choices and how he can change to make healthier choices. The question I have is how will I know if he's really changed?

As for the lawyer, do I tell I am seeing one to show I am serious? I know he sees that I am struggling with this decision but I don't know how much he really understands that I have one foot out the door - especially since I have let him back in.

We have a DD9 and a DD6 and see how happy they are that daddy is home and we have family time. I am not ready to be there emotionally for them yet. I know I have to be stronger for them if I want them to deal with a separation. They did not know he left last April since he was barely home to begin with- they would mention how Dad was eating all the cookies & he wasn't even home.
My other problem is my pride. I feel stupid if I stay but don't want to give up on something that could possibly be better than before all of this. It's all very confusing!

Thanks for listening & helping!

cantaccept posted 4/23/2014 04:24 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through anothere dday. It is hell. I have been there and it really is so painful.

I hear hesitancy in your words. Are you afraid that your actions, meaning if you say the wrong thing or protect yourself, that will cause the end of your marriage?

I know that feeling. Please understand and this is hard, it hurts to know this but it is necessary for your survival of all of this.

You can only control you. If you say something, draw that lined in the sand, set your boundaries clearly and he reacts badly, leaves, ignores, gets angry, that is his choice. He is going to do whatever he choses no matter what you do.

If he is going to make the effort, if the marriage and you are important to him, what you do to protect yourself will not make him not love you.

I don't know if I am explaining this correctly, hopefully someone else will.

It just comes down to protect yourself, do not be hesitant to do that. He did not protect you and now needs to earn back your trust.

If he cares enough, if HE is worth your trust, he will show you no matter what. He will understand that you have to protect yourself.

GettingHappy posted 4/23/2014 05:57 AM

Thanks CANaccept. I am not afraid of what I say to him. I am completely honest about my feelings. I know if he wants to run its about him. I know he made these choices because he is broken. I am more afraid to make the wrong decision- especially since I have two little girls to think about. I want to be a good role model for them, too. I am starting to think more about what I need from him and what I won't accept. Even if he does these things and I still may not be able to stay.
I don't know if I am in shock again or if I have a wall up now so I don't feel as much as I should right now.

cantaccept posted 4/23/2014 08:47 AM

My dday #2 was on Dec. 20th 2013. I was in shock for a couple of months. I felt really angry and thought I was okay but then as the shock wore off, it almost became unbearable.

I had to stop IC because he left and I couldn't afford it. That was awful. Are you in IC right now?

I know that during those really weak moments I am vulnerable to him. Knowing it does not help me to not be.

It is a mind twister.

Have you read about emotional abuse? Try googling trauma bonding, the info might help you to see what is right for you.

I can't even imagine dealing with this when there are young children involved. You really must take care of you first in order to be strong enough to take care of them.

I am glad that you are not taking responsibility for his actions, keep stating your needs. It will show you who he is.

norabird posted 4/23/2014 11:44 AM

generally, the advice is not to tip your hand by revealing you are seeing a lawyer, in case he decides to one-up you there. Sad to have to be so calculating with your supposed life partner, but it's probably better to protect yourself.

If you think about your conditions, set a timetable for them, and lay them out to him, and then refuse to try and 'nice' him into being with you and your DDs, he will get that you are serious. It's okay to not want to make a decision now if you feel he is really trying with IC. He can change if he wants to--if he really works for it. You will start to know he has changed if you see real remorse and total transparency. Of course R is always a risk. D is a risk too, but one that protects you from the risk of his cheating again.

Take care of you, and don't commit to R until you see if he can really become who he needs to be. If you see a lawyer, you could always discuss a post-nup and present that to your WH as a condition of his staying.

You and your DDs deserve someone who is 100% invested in your family. If WH can do that, and you can be a happy and peaceful family again (after putting in the hard work), great! If not, they have undoubtedly been picking up on all the last year's turmoil, and ending the uncertainty will be best for them in the long run as it will give them a new, stable normal.

GettingHappy posted 4/23/2014 16:45 PM

Canaccept- I am not in IC. Been going to MC and WH is about to start IC. My insurance doesn't cover IC for me, too. I want to go to MC at least for a few more sessions so we can discuss what I need and expect from him. Our MC is very good at supporting me and explaining things to WH. I am planning to go to IC in the future. I have never heard of trauma bonding and will read up on it.

Norabird- In a moment of anger I told him I may see a lawyer just in case things don't work out. But I will not mention it again. I am often too honest and have to learn to keep quiet. I told him this morning that he will have to meet my needs according to my timeline or this will not work. I feel numb most of the time and anger or sadness a little of the time. Anger helps me to state what I need and empowers me.

Trying to figure out what I need to make this work. I am in reconciling mode for now until the real feelings hit and then I will decide what I want and what is best for me and the girls.

I still can't believe he has become the "man" that he has become.

Thank you for your input- it is so nice to have support from others who have been there. I am so sorry we are all going through this!

GettingHappy posted 4/24/2014 12:51 PM

Well it just started to hit me last night. This is worse than after the 1st Dday!! I still want to work it out but just don't know how I can ever get past this. Feeling very defeated, hurt & sad today.