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This is what a loser I am

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lilacs40 posted 4/22/2014 21:08 PM

WH and I have gone back and forth about divorcing since DDay. We have even gone so far as to tell the kids. Several days after we told them WH asked if it would be possible for me to give him a couple more weeks to get into IC (up until that point we had only been in MC) and I agreed but stated that I think it's best to not tell the kids as to not confuse them and that I would file for D anyway. I wanted to file anyway knowing that it could be stopped if I chose and if things still don't work out we would be that much farther along. He never said that he wasn't in agreement with that.

Later that week I find a post card from a female (lesbian) friend from the on-line game he plays. This infuriated me as he had it for at least 10 days and did not tell me. I know that it's only a post card and I know she's gay but he still hid it from me. When I asked him about it he said he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad. No shit Sherlock.

At MC yesterday talk centered on the fact that I made a "rash decision" in filing. I'm not sure I agree that it was rash but it was not the original 6 month timeline we had agreed to.

As of yesterday morning I had still not heard from he process server about delivering the papers to WH and was glad as I wanted to give it one more week. We were sitting and watching the hockey game yesterday evening and the door bell rings. Here's the process server with the paperwork. I really wish he had let me know he was coming as I would have preferred to not be home.

WH was livid. Apparently he forgot the conversation where I said I would still be filing. He said that my going forward only pushes him further away and shows that I no longer want to be married to him. That the last two and a half months have all gone my way. I said hell no! If it had been my way I would have complete access to everything and would not have had to remind you to buy the stupid book.

So to the loser part: he texts me that he hasn't been ignoring me but "getting those papers has done my head in". Loser me wants to show him how much I want to stay married. What an idiot I am. If he really wanted to be married at this point he would say hey I don't want this D and what can I do to have you withdraw the petition. No I get its done me in.

I came here to tell you all instead of texting him and trying to make it up to him. (Which I really know he should be trying to make it up to me)

Thanks for reading didn't realize it would be so long.

nekorb posted 4/22/2014 21:12 PM



Seriously. If I you have to remind him to work on your marriage (buy the book), then he isn't making it a priority. You cannot do it for him and have it be successful.

You've done him in he says? I call BS. He's just trying to manipulate you.

Stay strong. Don't fall for this crap.

I'm pissed off at my own WH today, so it's helping me be pissed off at yours on your behalf.

LifeIsBroken posted 4/22/2014 21:15 PM

"If he really wanted to be married at this point he would say hey I don't want this D and what can I do to have you withdraw the petition."

It appears you have your answer. Get yourself some angry, follow through and know you can live without him.

Sadmumma posted 4/22/2014 21:26 PM


Sounds like he's upset he's lost power... I agree with other responses he should be doing everything to make you withdraw it. Keep to the 180.

Strength to you

h0peless posted 4/22/2014 21:27 PM

What the fuck? This asshole cheats on you, tries to eat cake and sweep it under the rug, continues to lie and hide things from you and now he thinks he gets to be mad at you??? Fuck. That. Divorce is too good for his selfish ass. I can't think of anybody (except maybe a number of our exes on this site) who don't deserve a lot better than you're getting from Captain Rectum Necklace right now.

Stay the course.

newlysingle posted 4/22/2014 21:36 PM

I agree. Love Hopeless's answer. FTG.

ruinedandbroken posted 4/22/2014 22:12 PM


He wants YOU to show HIM how much you want to stay married to his stupid ass? Fuck that!

He doesn't have a fucking clue. What a douche.

nekorb posted 4/22/2014 22:17 PM

hOpeless nailed it!

norabird posted 4/22/2014 23:58 PM

You are right--real remorse means supporting your healing in every form, even if that means filing. It means saying: I respect your decisions and needs, but I'm going to do everything you ask and everything I can think of. Not throwing a fucking mantrum over your making the decisions! Someone who wasn't you made the decision to cheat I think, does he conveniently forget that?!

SBB posted 4/23/2014 01:43 AM

Honey, you're not a loser and neither am I.

I said and did lots of things during False R that used to hold a lot of shame for me.

I fell for the much the same rubbish - repeatedly. I had a list of MY failings presented to me. Did I turn away and never look back? No. The night we split up for good he was screaming at me about all of the ways I wasn't invested and about how I was punishing him. This, 5m after DD. He was still lying - he was still fucking around.

Translation: you fucking bitch - why won't you let me rugsweep and cake eat!! This is all your fault!!

I wasn't even driven by love - it was fear. My fear of the future and also of having been so very wrong about this man I married and had children with. So great was that fear that I refused to acknowledge that I was living a nightmare.

They all pull this shit when they realise they're starting to lose control of us. It goes into overdrive once they realise they've completely lost control of us. To his day "we" did this in his fucked up mind.

Start strong. R is almost impossible even with both parties fully invested - absolutely impossible if with the way he is acting. Save yourself the agony of False R. There is nothing you can do to make him have True Remorse. It has to come from within him - he has to want it for himself, not for you.

Right now you're being manipulated by the same thinking that helped him tell himself it was OK to betray you. Exactly the same.

Notice the 'poor me' card he's pulling? Fuck you dude. You did this to yourself and you're STILL doing it.

He isn't even doing the very basics. Proceed with the D. Remember there is no venom in true remorse, whether in R or S/D.

stronger08 posted 4/23/2014 03:41 AM

I don't think your a loser. In fact what you did makes you a survivor. What I do think is that your a victim of his M A N I P U L A T I O N Stop allowing that right now !!!!!

His reaction and subsequent behavior only solidifies your decision to file. He is acting like a 5 yo having a tantrum because you took away his favorite toy. And that toy is the power he had over you. He wants it back and will bitch, moan and cry in order to get it. Look at what happened here. You inflicted a consequence to his actions and the first thing he does is get defensive and starts the blame shifting bullshit. These are not the behaviors of a remorseful WS.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 3:41 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

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