SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

DepressedDaddy posted 4/22/2014 22:14 PM

It is still painful at times, but in the last 2-3 days, there has been a weight that has been lifting off of me. Every minute, every hour, every day it seems like there is more distance being placed between me and WW.

WW almost has everything out of the home, lawyer is starting to get papers in order, I'm am close to complete emotional no contact, just business talk and we are staying amicable and working together.

Here's hoping that the process continues to proceed this way. I'm trying to work hard at this transition and I will honestly say so is she.

MadeOfScars posted 4/22/2014 22:21 PM

We see it too DD. Your voice in your posts have shown remarkable progression and strength. Part of that strength is understanding it is still going to be hard and there will be dips in the "roller coaster," but you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders. You're an inspiration.

When the lows come, continue to put them out here. Same with the highs for that matter. You're going to be fine. *fistbump*

norabird posted 4/22/2014 23:55 PM

Seconding MoS. I have seen how much you've been supporting members around lately. To do that takes a certain degree of distance from and acceptance of your own troubles. It is truly wonderful to see. I'm so glad you're doing better! I just wish I could guess more of your word scrambles...

Caretaker1 posted 4/23/2014 07:50 AM

Are there children involved?

DepressedDaddy posted 4/23/2014 14:19 PM

Thanks MOS - Appreciate the support

Norabird - Thanks too! I'll keep the crafty word jumbles coming!

I do feel I am in a better place each day. I think for me it is accomplishing small little goals day by day. Doing as much of the 180 that I can, getting appointments completed, being civil with my WW, gaining power from my DD all help with my resilience and recovery.

There are kids involved and we are working together to put our DD first when making all decisions.

Thanks everyone for the support!

Klove posted 4/23/2014 14:42 PM

Hiiiiiigh Fiiiiiiiive!
Maybe you'll be changing your name soon?

I'm so glad you're feeling better. You are inspiring to me for no emotional contact. I'm finding that hard.

Way to go! :)

DepressedDaddy posted 4/23/2014 14:56 PM

The emotional NC is hard, really hard. There are times that I slip up and will engage in emotional discussions with my WW. I will say that my WW has been good thus far and not tried to draw me into any emotional conversations. She is respecting my space, so I am the one that usually messes up. I look at everyday getting just a little bit better. Last week, I was still trying to text, call, email how I was feeling, getting wrapped up in the daily stress with her, etc. This week I think I have only had a conversation or two about emotions, but they were not very long and not very draining. they were really centered around our D usually.

I found myself this week also not checking my phone every five minutes to see if she had contacted me, or if she read my last text message, etc. I still check occasionally, but it is becoming much rarer. I try and keep my cell in a different room, so I am not tempted. I've distanced myself with trying to know what she is doing all the time. I've stopped asking questions that would usually just inflict pain onto me. I was doing that a ton. Essentially, I was punishing myself by engaging in those conversations. Slowly but surely I am finding that I am getting to a better place. Don't get me wrong, I am still guarded and cautious with all this. I don't want to be unrealistic and think things are going great and then get hit in the face with something unexpected. I am just trying to embrace the idea of focusing on myself, taking care of my DD and knowing that life moves on and so will I.

Just trying to keep this momentum going for now...

DepressedDaddy posted 4/23/2014 20:26 PM

So I had to go to WW new place for our DD and I see some of the OM stuff there. It got to me. I was frustrated with the situation. I figured out afterwards it was another first notched off my list. I have to get to point in my mind that she is no longer my wife. It is hard. Now that the situation from earlier is over, I am doing okay, but it still sucks.

I am still leaps and bounds ahead of where I was a week ago, however I just hit one of those crappy reality checks tonight.

justinpaintoday posted 4/23/2014 20:33 PM

Depressed. You and I are walking similar emotional paths. Presently it's mostly a fluctuation between indifference and a dull ache.

Your right on the "firsts" . I think your big one was when she moved out. I look forward to that here (couple weeks or so). Seems there is a real chance at emotional closure then. Did you find that so or was it gut wrenching. I am not sure what it will feel like watching her drive away.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/23/2014 20:51 PM

With each of these firsts out of the way, it gets so much easier. The day my WW stopped living in our marital home was tough as shit, but I kept telling myself "I will survive." The thing that I always had a hard time with was the ambiguity of our relationship status up to that point..."is she going to change her mind, is she being serious, is this the same person I married," etc. Once she signed a lease somewhere, I said well that answers my question. Within a day there was a calmness that came over me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still an emotional mess sometimes, but the ambiguity has pretty much been wiped out. That has been a godsend for me. I have found a growing confidence in me. I did all I could to salvage our relationship. She decided to leave. That gave me permission to move on for myself.

Stay strong bro. Everyday is getting easier, even with today's crappy experience.

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 21:09 PM

Once she signed a lease somewhere, I said well that answers my question.

I will never ever ever thank my stbxww for that, but in a way, it was a gift. She did the same (sign a lease) which is when I had to push her off the fence. As much as it hurt, at least I had direction.

She decided to leave. That gave me permission to move on for myself.

Remember when I said you were an inspiration? Well, let me repeat that. When you have bad days, look back on the strength you show in this post. You're going to be fine. Stay strong.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/24/2014 09:59 AM

Thanks MOS.

Today another first happened with this transition. It was a big one and I handled it really well I felt. I tried to remove emotion from the situation and just get what I needed to get done. I am starting to tell myself, not always successfully, that I just need to get through the moment. If the emotion is too much, I put it to the side temporarily, but I'll come back to it after getting done with my task. I used to repress my emotions a lot, which actually made me appear emotionless. That is one of the major things I am trying to change. I'm getting better at it every day.

Because things in our M are really not as ambiguous as they were before, I am finding that to be the biggest relief (as I stated before). It still sucks really bad at times, but I don't really have the lingering thought in my head that she is going to want to come back. When she closed her door, I closed mine.

I am just trying to focus on what is going to be best for our DD. Sometimes I feel like she is not, but I can't control that. If I didn't have a DD in this situation it would make things easier in some ways, but my DD provides me so much relief and escape as well. It is a catch 22. I just draw a lot of my strength from her.

I came across a great quote today from a book I am reading...

"Help me be open to and learn what I need to be learning. Help me trust that it can and will be good."